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Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How to Relax and Unwind

Benefits of Learning to Relax

People sometimes say that learning to relax can be easier said than done. And frequently, that’s because we overthink things. It’s rather cyclic. But the cycle of stressful thinking can be broken. Here are some ideas to start with:

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Meditation

Meditation is an exercise in mindfulness, or noticing what the mind is doing without judgment or trying to alter it. This may sound odd since meditation is frequently said to involve “clearing the mind,” or “stopping your thoughts.” What well-intended teachers are referring to is the fact that as you become accustomed to the constant noise that the mind generates, it becomes like wallpaper in the background, so much so that you are no longer distracted by it. Like when your air conditioner or heater turns on but you don’t notice it because you are used to it.

Becoming mindful allows you to relax in the moment because you are becoming more okay with reality as it is. This does not mean that you don’t feel things, it just means that you are clearing the mind of the clutter that judgment creates.

Meditation involves sitting or lying down (with proper posture), and practicing smooth, rhythmic belly-breathing while noticing (not changing) what the mind is doing. When you become engaged with your thoughts in a judging way, or in a way that creates discomfort, you simply name it (“Ah, I’m distracted,” or “Oh, I’m judging myself or my situation), then come back to the experience of your breath. Many master meditators describe the noisy judging mind as the ‘monkey mind’ that jumps all over the place; the way to calm the monkey mind is to give it a job of simply watching the breathing as the thoughts chatter in the background. And when you notice the monkey jumping back to judging thoughts, etc., you simply bring him or her back to the experience of breathing.

Articles on Mindfulness can be found here.

Progressive Relaxation

Meditation and relaxation can look very similar, but the intention of each is a little different:

  • Meditation is designed to help you see the antics of the mind without being so distracted by them. This may help relaxation, but the relaxation itself is secondary
  • Relaxation, on the other hand, is more designed to focus on the muscles and nervous system of the body.

Progressive relaxation is an exercise that involves becoming aware of tension in your body, intentionally flexing each area, and then relaxing it. Here’s a basic approach:

  1. Start by lying down with a pillow under your knees
  2. Scan your body from head to toe or toe to head, noting areas that seem tense
  3. Next, starting at your feet, (either both or the left side then the right side of the body), inhale while tensing the muscles in your feet, then exhale while releasing the muscles. You may choose to do this a couple of times, but once is fine
  4. Then simply move up the body, one muscle or muscle group at a time, and flex the muscle(s) on the inhale, then release on the exhale
  5. Repeat this, attending to each part of your body. Be sure you cover both the front and back of your body. Experiment with how you move around your body. Do what feels best; some work from feet to head, others from left to right.

This can be done sitting as well. One of the most helpful involves learning to relax the shoulders: Inhale and bring both shoulders up towards your ears (a shrug). Feel the shrug. Then on the exhale, dramatically release! Just let those shoulders fall with the exhale.

Breathing Exercises

While Yoga and Tai Chi address these, I want to give you three specific exercises that can be done anywhere. Please check with your doctor, especially if you have any heart or lung/breathing issues! Read about proper breathing here.

  1. 4-7-8 Breathing. Inhale to a count of 4. Hold to a count of 7 (some find it easier to use 4-6-8…this is fine). Exhale to a count of 8. This means that you need to get in enough air on the inhale to be able to hold to 7 and exhale to 8. Most folks find this requires a couple of tries to get the timing right. Your count does not need to be slow. My count is in seconds (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds). Yours may be faster or slower. You’ll likely need to inhale a little deeper than normal and exhale a little slower than normal.
  2. Square Breathing. Square breathing is also based on counting, but this time, it is 4-4-4-4. Inhale to 4, hold to 4, exhale to 4, and repeat this 4 times. (You can keep repeating in blocks of 4).

Both of these are doing a lot of biochemical and brainwave changes. Get in touch if you have questions. Also, consider following my Gate Healing, PLLC Facebook page since I frequently share neuroscience and biology articles that address this kind of thing.

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Yoga, T’ai Chi, etc.

Some people prefer Yoga because it is more stationary and full of wonderful stretching. This is great! Yoga is a great place to learn meditation and breathing. Those who prefer Yoga will eventually find that they enter a flow state through this practice. I tend to suggest that folks start with a simple Hatha Yoga before trying more complicated forms.

Other people, like me, prefer a little more movement. T’ai Chi is a graceful martial art that looks like you are moving through water. It is also a great place to meditate and breathe. It is more of a moving meditation. Those who enjoy it will get into a flow state. Yang style T’ai Chi Chuan is the more fluid and consistently graceful form of T’ai Chi, while T’ai Chi Chin has moments of graceful speed/pop. There are many versions of T’ai Chi, please get in touch with me if you have questions.

Going for a walk in nature

I love the sound of the beach. The water, the birds, all of it. Even the smell relaxes me. But I seem to find my time in the mountains even more relaxing. As it turns out, science supports the idea that ‘green space’ is more relaxing than ‘blue space’ (water). If I remember correctly, being around trees and plants (ie in the woods) puts you around material that is both living and decaying; the decaying trees, etc. put off a chemical that calms the human brain! Of course, the sounds of birds, and the shade and colors of the sun through green leaves also have an impact visually.

Remember though, if blue spaces relax you more, then go with that! Just because science backs up one thing, it does not mean that is what is best for you!

Warm bath or shower

While many find showers to be a bit more invigorating, they can be very relaxing as well. The warmth of the water of a bath or shower has a relaxing effect, and when you breathe in the moistened air, it helps your lungs. Further helping the relaxation is the sudden temperature change when you get out of the shower. I find it useful to leave the bathroom door closed so getting out of the shower/tub isn’t so jarring with cold air. Once you’ve dried off and are dressed, you can crawl into bed and cover up and practice your breathing, or just let your mind drift into nice places.

ASMR

ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and it is a relatively new, and really interesting experience for those that get it. Not everybody experiences ASMR though. It is often described as ‘brain tingles.’ For those that have never experienced this, it’s ok for it to sound really weird! But for those who do not know what it is, but have experienced it, you’re about to have a light bulb go off!

ASMR is a physical experience of intense relaxation, and even tingling in the head, chest, etc. that is extremely pleasant. It quickly can put you in a flow state, like meditation.

So what is it already??!!

Ok, if you have ever heard the sound of rustling paper and just tranced out, or watched somebody writing and felt relaxed, or even watched somebody shining shoes, washing windows, or even heard people whispering or even eating and gotten oddly calm, you’ve experienced ASMR. It is okay and not harmful. There are plenty of oddball-seeming ASMR videos (one of a lady eating crunchy pickles!!) out there. Just google that term. Many of the videos are aimed at helping you find what your “ASMR Triggers” are (if you have any). Give it a go! If you just find yourself shrugging your shoulders and saying, “I don’t get it . . . why would a video/recording of a lady eating pickles get 1.5 MILLION views?” then you may not have an ASMR experience, which is fine.

If you do have the triggers, then you can use these sounds, sights, etc. to help you relax. Just be careful to not overuse them as you can become almost dependent on them, and they can seem to lose their effectiveness. Should this happen, just stop using them for a few weeks and then try again.

Is there a science to ASMR?

Since it’s fairly new, the understanding of ASMR is still being studied, but current research is showing that it may be related to a version of synesthesia (where you hear colors, taste sounds, etc.). No, this does not mean you are crazy or flashing back to any hallucinatory drugs you may have used! Synesthesia happens naturally for some people, and it can be leveraged in some very interesting ways! ASMR is not as dramatic but may be related to the same type of brain activity.

Here’s a great research article on ASMR by the NCBI (National Center for Biotechnology Information).

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*Updated December 5, 2023

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Crisis, Trauma, and PTSD By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Types of Traumatic Stress

Understanding Acute, Chronic, Immediate, and Delayed Traumatic Stress

In case you haven’t read my other posts on Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS), let me clarify that going through trauma doesn’t mean that someone has a “disorder” such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Rather, PTS is simply a set of symptoms describing a specific form of stress. This article will cover the differences between Acute, Chronic, Immediate, and Delayed Traumatic Stress and single- and multiple-traumatic events.

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Acute Traumatic Stress

Acute Traumatic Stress, sometimes called Acute Stress Disorder, occurs when symptoms last from a few days up to one to three months. To receive a diagnosis of Acute Stress Disorder, symptoms should not last longer than one month.

Symptoms of Acute Traumatic Stress

Psychological Symptoms

There are five basic categories of psychological symptoms:

  1. Intrusion – Intrusive memories of the traumatic event invade day-to-day consciousness and/or dreams (often referred to as “Flashbacks”)
  2. Negative Mood – Irritability, depression, anxiety, and/or confusion
  3. Dissociation – Your experience of life feels a bit detached, like time slowing down, walking around in a haze or fog, and even feeling like you are experiencing life from “outside of yourself”
  4. Avoidance – A pattern of avoiding thoughts, emotions, and people associated with the trauma. Drug and alcohol use may be one method of avoidance. Engaging in high-risk behaviors may be another avoidance behavior. Avoiding the location of the trauma is also extremely common.
  5. Arousal – Difficulty sleeping, feeling “amped up,” irritable, and having difficulty concentrating
Physical Symptoms of Acute Traumatic Stress

Physical symptoms are based on the activation of the sympathetic nervous system (the “fight-or-flight” response) and include:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Quick breathing
  • Increased blood pressure
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating
  • Increased metabolism

These physical symptoms are part of the fight-or-flight survival mechanism (the sympathetic nervous system) and are designed to give your body the sudden boost of energy needed to either fight or flee. Immediately preceding either fight or flight, some people experience the freeze reflex.

Psychological and physical symptoms begin and may worsen after a traumatic event like violence, natural disaster, or even witnessing a traumatic event. It is the perception of severity that causes traumatic stress. Remember, traumatic stress can be triggered even if the event is not actually life-threatening because perception defines reality.

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Chronic Traumatic Stress

Chronic Traumatic Stress occurs when PTS symptoms last more than three months. Generally speaking, when people refer to “PTSD,” or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, they are usually referring to chronic traumatic stress.

Symptoms of chronic traumatic stress

These are the same symptoms as the acute symptoms above, but persist longer and may increase to include panic attacks, more vivid flashbacks, and more avoidant behaviors like total or partial isolation.

Multiple and single traumatic events

Another important factor in understanding the different forms of traumatic stress is to differentiate between single and multiple traumatic events. Single traumatic events include natural disasters, accidents, and physical or sexual assaults. Multiple traumatic events are usually chronic, long-term, or recurring such as abuse or living in a war zone, and are more likely to lead to chronic or complex PTS(d).

Single traumatic events

When an individual experiences a single traumatic event, their acute stress symptoms will typically begin immediately or within a few hours of the event. If the symptoms persist beyond three months, the person may be experiencing chronic stress symptoms, or they may have developed PTSD.

Multiple traumatic events

When individuals experience multiple traumatic events, their symptoms may be more severe and longer lasting than those experiencing only one traumatic event. Multiple traumatic events can create a more complex form of post-traumatic stress known as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). This condition may result from prolonged and repeated exposure to interpersonal trauma. People with traumatic childhood homes frequently report multiple traumatic events that lead to C-PTSD.

Please remember that we are all different and what triggers PTS, PTSD, or C-PTSD will be different. Some people are just wired to handle intense situations more easily. Having a pre-existing anxiety disorder may intensify the experience; however, some people who report early trauma say that they are calmer than most in intense situations…that it is almost like they were vaccinated against trauma. Very often, however, they also report being more easily upset by day-to-day stressors that don’t impact others.

Delayed traumatic stress

Most often, PTS symptoms will begin within a few hours of the traumatic event. However, sometimes the symptoms are delayed for weeks, months, or even years. This is Delayed Traumatic Stress.

Delayed post-traumatic stress, also known as delayed-onset post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), is a form of PTSD that occurs when symptoms do not manifest until months or even years after the traumatic event. This delay in symptoms can make it difficult for individuals to associate their current struggles with the original traumatic experience. Delayed PTSD can be caused by a variety of traumatic events such as sexual assault, combat, or natural disasters. Treatment for delayed PTSD typically involves therapy, medication, or a combination of both, and it is important for individuals to seek help from a mental health professional if they suspect they may be experiencing symptoms of delayed PTSD.

Treating Traumatic Stress

The effective treatment of traumatic stress can be achieved through the use of various evidence-based modalities. Mindfulness-based Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT or m-CBT) has been shown to be effective for all types of traumatic stress. One specific type of CBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), teaches helpful strategies in four major areas: mindfulness training, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.

DBT & DBT: Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Trauma recovery groups based on DBT and/or CBT have been found to be effective for many individuals. Critical Incident Stress Debriefing and Management, which is based on these concepts, is particularly effective when initiated within 48-72 hours of the traumatic event. However, seeking treatment after this time frame can still be beneficial.

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Other highly effective modalities for treating traumatic stress include EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which involves syncing the two hemispheres of the brain to balance the processing of trauma, and Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a specific application of CBT that addresses the unique needs of trauma survivors.

Intensive therapy and Group therapy

The treatment of chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is similar to that of acute and individual-incident traumatic stress but may require longer or more intensive therapy. Survivors of intense child abuse, for example, may require different dynamics than those who survived a natural disaster such as a flood. Moving from individual therapy to group therapy is a common way to transition out of therapy.

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Conclusion

Trauma affects individuals in different ways and can be classified into different forms of traumatic stress such as acute, chronic, immediate, and delayed traumatic stress. Additionally, single and multiple traumatic events create unique forms of trauma and may result in the development of different forms of post-traumatic stress. It’s important to seek professional help if you or someone you know is experiencing any form of traumatic stress.

*Updated December 4, 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Trauma and PTSD in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How to Stop Being a Martyr

Stop Setting Yourself on Fire to Keep Everybody Else Warm

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly putting out fires in your personal or professional life? Do you find yourself sacrificing your well-being and happiness to make others happy? It’s time to stop setting yourself on fire to keep everybody else warm.

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Empathy and Compassion are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing:

  • Empathy means taking on the feelings of the person in front of you. So, if they are having a panic attack and come to you for help, empathy would cause you to have a panic attack with them. This is not very helpful for either of you.
  • Compassion means there is a genuine understanding of the suffering of the other person and even warmth from you, but there is also a healthy distance that allows you to be safe and helpful without being drawn into their suffering. In short, compassion allows you to support others without sacrificing your well-being.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of being a people-pleaser, but constantly prioritizing others over yourself can lead to burnout, stress, and even resentment. It’s important to set boundaries and take care of your own needs to live a fulfilling and healthy life.

Here are some tips to help you stop setting yourself on fire:

1. Learn to say no

Saying no can be hard, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to do everything for everyone all the time. Learn to prioritize your own needs and don’t be afraid to say no when you need to.

2. Prioritize self-care

Make self-care a priority in your life. This can be anything from taking a bubble bath to going for a walk to practicing mindfulness meditation. Whatever it is that makes you feel happy and relaxed, make time for it regularly.

3. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is key to taking care of yourself. Whether it’s saying no to certain requests or limiting your availability, make sure you’re clear about your boundaries and stick to them.

4. Practice gratitude

Gratitude can help shift your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have. Take time to reflect on the things in your life that you’re grateful for, and you’ll likely find that you feel more fulfilled and content.

5. Surround yourself with supportive people

Having a strong support system can make all the difference when it comes to taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who lift your spirits, support your goals, and encourage you to prioritize your well-being.

Remember, self-love isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. By setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can stop setting yourself on fire and start living a happier, healthier life. Get in touch when you’re ready to get started.

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Updated December 5, 2023

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Sleep Procrastination and How to Break the Habit

Sleep Procrastination: Understanding the Causes and Solutions

Discover why we engage in sleep procrastination and learn effective strategies to overcome it. Here are ten common causes of sleep procrastination:

  1. Stress from daily procrastination
  2. Addiction to social media, email, and news
  3. Fear of thoughts and feelings
  4. Bedtime procrastination habit
  5. Desire to take advantage of nighttime creativity and productivity
  6. Poor sleep hygiene; no bedtime routine
  7. Overstimulation close to bedtime
  8. The desire for “me time”
  9. A compulsion to complete tasks
  10. Avoidance of facing tomorrow

Addressing the root cause of sleep procrastination is key to improving sleep hygiene and well-being. First of all, let’s remember that true sleep/bedtime procrastination is not a matter of simply avoiding insomnia or difficulty sleeping, although it may be a consideration in some cases. Here’s how we can help:

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Cause #1: Daily Procrastination Stress

Solution: Plan, prioritize, and reward task completion.

When we procrastinate on tasks such as paying bills or working on projects, we often add them to the end of our day, leading to sleep procrastination. This results in less sleep, grogginess, reduced efficiency, and more task procrastination, causing more sleep procrastination.

Cause #2: Social Media, Email, and News Addiction

Solution: Set specific times and balance with positive news.

The excitement we feel when we receive a response or notification from social media or email, or when watching the news about politicians, can stimulate the brain and lead to dopamine bursts in the pleasure center that keep us awake and encourage addictive behavior.

Cause #3: Fear of Thoughts and Feelings

Solution: Establish mindfulness practices and seek counseling.

Unresolved stressful, sad, or angry thoughts and feelings can surface at bedtime, leading to sleep procrastination. Avoiding them can cause them to worsen.

Cause #4: Bedtime Procrastination Habit

Solution: Replace with healthier sleep routines.

A habitual behavior that involves putting off bedtime can cause sleep procrastination.

Cause #5: Nighttime Creativity and Productivity

Solution: Schedule creative time and practice balance.

Individuals who are most creative or productive at night may feel pressure to take advantage of that time and delay bedtime, leading to sleep procrastination.

Cause #6: Poor Sleep Hygiene; No Bedtime Routine

Solution: Establish a consistent bedtime routine. **I address how to establish good sleep hygiene below this list.**

Establishing a consistent bedtime routine is crucial for proper sleep hygiene. It signals to our bodies that it’s time to unwind and prepares our minds for relaxation.

Without a routine, bedtime procrastination becomes common, and our minds struggle to settle. Checking social media, watching stimulating content, or consuming caffeine before bed can hinder sleep. To ensure a restful night, prioritize a consistent routine and cultivate healthy habits.

Cause #7: Overstimulation Close to Bedtime

Solution: Avoid overstimulation and create a relaxing bedtime routine.

Overstimulation before bed disrupts sleep quality. Activities like checking social media, watching exciting shows, and consuming caffeine stimulate the brain, signaling wakefulness and delaying sleep onset.

To avoid overstimulation, limit screen time and caffeine in the evening. Engage in calming activities like yoga or Tai Chi to prepare the body for rest. Establish a relaxing bedtime routine that signals the brain to wind down. By reducing overstimulation, falling asleep and enjoying restful sleep become easier.

Cause #8: Desire for “Me Time”

Solution: Reserve time for hobbies and find relaxation activities.

Balancing relaxation and winding down is crucial for quality sleep. Engage in enjoyable activities earlier in the day to avoid stimulating the mind before bed. Opt for calming activities like reading or taking a warm bath to unwind and prepare for sleep. Prioritize “me time” without compromising sleep quality.

Cause #9: Compulsion to Complete Tasks

Solution: Prioritize tasks and establish boundaries.

Balancing work and rest is crucial. Recognize the importance of taking breaks and avoiding late-night work. Prioritize sleep to enhance productivity and overall well-being. Establish boundaries and know when to stop working and start winding down. Break free from the cycle of sleep procrastination by valuing your sleep.

Cause #10: Avoidance of Facing Tomorrow

Solution: Practice relaxation techniques and address underlying anxiety.

Avoiding tomorrow’s tasks due to stress and anxiety often leads to sleep procrastination. We delay facing responsibilities, feeling overwhelmed by the thought. For instance, anxiety about criticism from a superior may cause us to avoid tasks, prolonging stress. Instead, address the root cause, develop coping mechanisms, and manage stress to overcome sleep procrastination and ensure restful sleep.

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Improving Sleep Hygiene: 10 Tips for Better Rest

If you struggle with sleep procrastination, implementing healthy sleep habits is essential. Follow these ten tips for a better night’s rest:

  1. Establish a consistent bedtime window of one hour (ie “I need to be in bed between 9 and 1o”).
    * Begin your bedtime routine as soon as you begin to feel sleepy within that window.
  2. Stick to a consistent bedtime routine.
  3. Create a conducive sleeping environment.
  4. Don’t stay in bed for more than 20 minutes if you can’t fall asleep.
  5. Turn off electronic devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
  6. Avoid heavy meals, caffeine, and alcohol before bed.
  7. Incorporate a brief meditation practice.
  8. Use your bed for sleeping and intimacy only.
  9. Exercise during the day and maintain a healthy weight.
  10. If you have sleep apnea, use your C-pap machine as recommended.

By implementing these healthy sleep habits, you’ll improve your chances of a good night’s rest and wake up feeling refreshed and energized. Remember, a consistent routine and comfortable sleeping environment are key to achieving restful sleep.

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*Updated July 13, 2023

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Why do I hate my parents?!

Why Do Teens Often Feel Resentful Toward Their Parents?

As a teenager, it’s normal to feel irritated, annoyed, angry, or even resentful towards your parents. They can be overprotective, and suspicious and may not understand that you’re not a little kid anymore. However, if you feel like your emotions are a bit too intense, let’s discuss why that might be.

Teenagers are in a paradoxical situation

You’re too old to be treated like a child but too young to be given the freedom and responsibilities of an adult. This paradox happens because the emotional center of your brain (the limbic system) has developed enough to produce intense emotions that are adult-like. However, the most advanced part of your brain, the frontal lobe, responsible for impulse control and executive functioning, is not fully developed until you’re in your mid-20s. So, you have adult-level emotions without enough brain development to manage them appropriately.

Parents challenge your maturity and independence when you’re trying to develop them

As teenagers, you’re supposed to be developing your own identity, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. When parents limit your independence, you might feel cornered, like a trapped animal. When you add in the fact that you’re experiencing adult-level anger, but lack some of the skills to keep it in perspective, it’s easy to understand why you might lash out.

Parents often don’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager today

They may be out of touch with new technologies and social media, causing them to be overly protective and suspicious. They may worry about your safety and well-being, but their actions might feel overbearing and controlling to you.

Parents’ idea of punishment may seem overly harsh

It’s important to remember that consequences should be time-limited, fitting the broken rule, and making an impact. However, if the consequences seem unfair or unreasonable, you should calmly approach your parents and discuss your feelings rather than allowing resentment to fester.

How can teens manage feelings of anger towards their parents?

  1. Talk calmly to them: Wait until you feel calm and then ask for a time to talk. Let them know that you understand their perspective and the problems, but you don’t want to feel angry towards them. Be willing to hear them out.
  2. Write a respectful and calm letter or email: Sometimes writing things out can help you organize your thoughts and feelings. It can also be an initial contact if you feel a conversation might devolve into a fight. Ensure you’re not using passive-aggressive language or jabs, and have an adult you trust to review the letter for suggestions.
  3. Ask for family counseling: Sometimes a conversation or letter may not feel like enough to effectively manage the conflict. Family counseling is a helpful option where a school counselor or private practice counselor can facilitate the meetings.
  4. Burn off your anger and stress with self-care: Engage in activities such as exercise, meditation, massage, talking to friends or a counselor, listening to music, or creating art.
  5. Remember, parents love you: Parents are human too, and they will make mistakes. Great parents prioritize keeping their children safe, even if it means their children may be angry with them. Disliking the behavior is not the same as disliking the child. Effective communication can help both sides get beyond difficult times.

**Whatever you choose, it needs to be allowed within the parameters of the consequences you are facing**

Conclusion

It’s common for teenagers to feel resentment toward their parents. It’s important to understand that it’s a normal part of the teenage experience. With good communication and understanding, you and your parents can navigate through these challenging times.

*Updated July 13, 2023

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Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How Successful People Leverage Failure and Rejection

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
— Michael Jordan

Dealing with Failure: Tips for Turning Setbacks into Success

We’ve all experienced the distress that comes with failure and rejection. It can be painful and hard to endure, but there are ways to use it to your advantage. By learning, building resiliency, and being determined, you can change the experience from a defeat into a pesky setback full of lessons.

Understanding the Emotions and Thoughts Behind Failure

Failure and rejection can cause feelings of disappointment, sadness, despair, anger, frustration, and anxiety. Thoughts can lead to self-loathing, self-pity, blame, regret, analysis paralysis, vengeance, the fantasy of better outcomes, and assumptions of letting others down. Being aware of these emotions and thoughts is the first step in managing them.

Managing Distressing Thoughts and Emotions: Tips for Success

Experiencing negative emotions and thoughts can be a challenging experience, but it can also provide valuable insights and opportunities for growth. Here are some tips to help you manage distressing thoughts and emotions effectively.

  1. Feel Your Emotions: All emotions are essential and are trying to help you, even the unpleasant ones. Pain wants relief. Fear wants safety. Confusion wants clarity. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, without judgment. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of what you need and how to get it.
  1. Name Your Emotions: When you name your emotions, you gain clarity and a better understanding of what discomfort is asking of you. Naming your feelings also helps you cut through the clutter of judgment.
  1. Examine Your Emotions: Being curious helps you keep an open mind, which can help you see ideas that you might have otherwise missed. Creativity is often an essential element of effectively examining feelings for lessons.
  1. Learn From Your Emotions: Failure can be a powerful teacher. Learning from mistakes and setbacks can help you grow and become better equipped to handle challenges in the future. Celebrate your successes, and don’t be afraid to learn from failures. Remember, sometimes it takes multiple attempts before we achieve success.
  1. Integrate Your Lessons: Integrating the lessons learned from your emotions into successful behavior change is crucial. Information acquisition is only the first step. Learning is the integration of that information into a new way of being. So, what we are going for is learning, not just taking in information.
  1. Reframe Your Experience: Look for the successful or interesting/fun parts of your experience, even if you are facing a failure or rejection. Celebrating your successes can give you a boost to get through the disappointment. This optimistic mindset also makes it easier to learn from future projects.
  1. Focus on What to Do: Apply the lessons learned from your experiences as a starting point for your next attempt. Instead of focusing on what not to do, look for obvious signs that might give you a signal of something going awry. When dealing with people, you might notice a stiffening up or a look of discomfort on the other person’s face. Taking time to ask colleagues and friends for their take can help you triangulate the information to use.
  1. Cultivate a Champion Mindset: Developing a champion mindset means embracing failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. It means examining mistakes and failures for lessons and remaining determined to keep learning. Adopting this approach can help you develop resilience, persistence, and grit. Remember, determination is the key to success.

Managing distressing thoughts and emotions is a process that requires patience, self-compassion, and persistence. With these tips, you can learn to manage your emotions and thoughts more effectively, embrace failure as a learning opportunity, and cultivate a champion mindset that will help you achieve your goals.

Updated December 3, 2023

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Healthy Selfishness

Understanding Healthy Selfishness for Effective Stress Management

Have you ever wondered how selfishness can be healthy? The idea may seem paradoxical, but practicing healthy selfishness can be a kind and effective way to manage stress. So, what is healthy selfishness, and how can it help you care for others while prioritizing your own well-being?

Benevolent Selfishness: Putting Yourself First to Help Loved Ones

When it comes to caring for others, taking care of yourself is essential. If you neglect your own needs, you may not be able to perform your best and provide the care your loved ones need. For instance, imagine you are caring for your grandmother, but you are feeling stressed and exhausted. In this scenario, taking a break and getting a massage before attending to her needs can put you in a more relaxed and refreshed state of mind, enabling you to offer her better care and comfort.

The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Selfishness

It is important to note that there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy selfishness. Avoidant or unhealthy selfishness involves neglecting others’ needs and being excessively self-centered, leading to negative consequences for oneself and others. On the other hand, healthy selfishness is about prioritizing self-care and self-love, which allows you to show up as your best self and care for others effectively.

Practice Healthy Selfishness for Effective Stress Management

In conclusion, practicing healthy selfishness can be an effective way to manage stress and care for your loved ones. Prioritizing self-care and self-love is not selfish in the negative sense but instead a crucial step towards caring for yourself and others effectively. So go ahead, say no when you need to, and take the time to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Your loved ones will benefit from your benevolent selfishness.

*Updated July 18, 2023

Learn more about how counseling can help you find happiness.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Relationship Decisions

Relationship Decisions: Making Sense of Thoughts & Feelings

Many people struggle with relationship decisions, and it’s not always easy to know what to do. Questions like whether to commit, have kids, propose, or deal with different needs for alone time can be challenging. But remember, gaining clarity on where you stand is not the same thing as making a final decision; it’s just clarity. Here are some tips for gaining clarity and making informed decisions about relationships:

  1. Pros and Cons list: Write down the pros and cons of each choice you are facing. Take a few days to do this, as various items will come to you at random times. You may find more advanced versions of this list helpful, such as the weighted pros and cons, which allows you to add a number from 1 to 10 to each item to indicate its importance.
  2. Four Square Pros and Cons: This advanced version of the pros and cons list allows your brain to consider each perspective from opposite perspectives. To create the Four Square, divide a piece of paper into 4 equal sections and label them as follows: “Pros of taking the new job,” “Cons of taking the new job,” “Pros of NOT taking the new job,” and “Cons of NOT taking the new job.” Add weights to each item to indicate its importance.
  3. Journaling: Writing about your feelings and thoughts can be a cathartic experience that helps you gain clarity on your decision. Try to focus on a gratitude journal that retrains your brain to look for opportunities to feel better. Having a separate journal to vent problems about the relationship can be ok, but avoid reviewing it unless you are reflecting on gratitude for what you have overcome.
  4. Talk to people you trust: Be sure to respect the other person’s privacy and discuss only what you feel comfortable sharing. Examples of people you may trust include family, close friends, teachers, counselors, and clergy.
  5. Meditate: A mindfulness practice like meditation can help you rewire your brain to be clearer. Practicing for just 3-5 minutes in the morning and evening can be effective, but 10-15 minutes is even better. When practiced daily, you increase connectivity and neuronal growth in the left medial prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for pleasant feelings and attitudes like gratitude and optimism.
  6. Pay attention to your intuition: Your intuition is an emotion-based experience that comes from the unconscious mind. Trusting your feelings can help you make a decision without being encumbered by things like analysis paralysis.

Remember, gaining clarity on your decision is just the first step. It is important to communicate your feelings and thoughts to your partner and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Updated July 18, 2023

To learn more about relationship dynamics, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Depression By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Grief: It’s not just about death

Understanding the Many Faces of Grief: Beyond Loss and Death

When we talk about grief, our minds often go to the loss of a loved one. However, it’s essential to realize that grief can take various forms. Regardless of the circumstances, grief is a natural and healthy response to loss.

Discover the different types of grief individuals may experience:

  1. Job loss

    Whether it’s transitioning to a new company, receiving a promotion, or facing termination, losing a job can be a significant blow.

  2. Relationship loss

    When a relationship ends, whether by personal choice, the other person’s decision, or mutual agreement, it’s normal to grieve the loss.

  3. Being single

    Adjusting to a committed relationship may evoke a longing for the freedom of being single, and that transition can be challenging.

  4. Childhood

    As responsibilities increase with age, the simplicity and innocence of childhood can be missed and mourned.

  5. Home

    An empty room or a once-lived-in home can trigger feelings of melancholy and nostalgia.

  6. “What might have been”

    Reflecting on alternate paths or regretting the loss of someone or something sooner than expected can bring grief.

  7. Health

    Aging may involve mourning the loss of physical abilities that were once taken for granted.

  8. “Shattered Assumptions”

    Experiencing a traumatic event can disrupt assumptions of safety and security, leading to a grieving process.

  9. Traditions

    Changes in holiday traditions following the death of a loved one can be difficult to adapt to.

If you find yourself struggling with grief, seeking support is crucial. We are here to help. Reach out to us at (512) 771-7621 or through our Contact Us page. Remember, grief is a normal part of life, and with time and support, healing is possible.

*Updated July 9, 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Depression and Grief in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Depression By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Holiday blues – Surviving the holidays and mental health

How to Survive the Holiday Blues and Maintain Good Mental Health

The “summertime blues” are a common phenomenon among many individuals, but the holiday blues, while just as prevalent, aren’t as normalized. The holiday blues can be far worse for many people, and there are reasons for this that often compound each other. But it’s possible to counter this by identifying potential issues and devising solutions.

The Perfect Storm: Identifying Potential Issues

While happy holiday images are prevalent during the season, another side often gets ignored, leading to unexpected issues that impact people’s mental health. Normalizing the reality of the holiday season can prepare people to cope better with the curveballs that get thrown their way.

Media and Fantasy set Unrealistic Expectations

The media sets high expectations with advertisements showing happy families and romantic proposals. Candy canes line the streets, beautiful lights are in storefronts, and Christmas carols play early. Many individuals fantasize about their holiday season, which feeds into these external messages.

Sensory Overload can be Overwhelming

The holiday season is full of visual, auditory, and olfactory stimuli, which can be both positive and negative. Lights, decorations, smells, and Christmas carols can be wonderful pick-me-ups, but the overload can also become overwhelming.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.)

Many individuals experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is a decrease in Vitamin D caused by less exposure to sunlight. People in northern areas are impacted more since it gets dark much earlier than in the south. People can also experience Cabin Fever due to being cooped up because of weather conditions.

Changes in Routine and Relationships

Many individuals spend time away from home or with visitors in theirs or are simply alone during the holiday season. This can lead to them being out of their comfort zone and around people they’re not used to. When routines are thrown off by loved ones, it can be tough to show them a great time and contribute to the season of love and kindness.

Money and Financial Stress

The holiday season is one of the most financially stressful times of the year. Individuals spend money on travel, gifts, food, decorations, and other expenses. Financial stress is the number one reason for relationship stress. A budget can help to plan and manage expenses to avoid debt.

Understanding the Impact of the Storm

After identifying a few key ingredients, let’s explore one theory that explains why the blues can hit so hard during the storm.

In essence, all the sensory cues set an impossibly high bar. Everything seems perfect, with happy people, healthy families, and the sweet aroma of baked goods filling the air. Kids are overjoyed with their toys, and adults are relishing each other’s company. It’s all happiness and joy, which sets an unrealistic expectation.

But when you factor in the financial burden, stress of being in someone else’s home, or even the potential for seasonal affective disorder (SAD), this creates a very real and stressful experience that can drag us down. However, there is hope. This hope is realistic and achievable.

How to Counter the Perfect Storm: Solutions

While it may seem like the perfect storm, there are ways to counter the holiday blues and maintain good mental health. These solutions can help individuals have a better holiday season.

Normalize Reality

Normalizing the reality of the holiday season can prepare individuals to cope better with the curveballs that get thrown their way. Acknowledge that not everything is perfect, and it’s okay to set boundaries and expectations.

Set Realistic Expectations

Setting realistic expectations can help individuals avoid feeling overwhelmed by the sensory overload that comes with the holiday season. Take the time to plan and prioritize what’s important and enjoyable.

Get Enough Vitamin D

Getting enough Vitamin D can help individuals overcome S.A.D. and Cabin Fever. Try to get outside during the day, even for a short time, to increase exposure to sunlight.

Manage Relationships

Managing relationships during the holiday season can be tricky, but setting boundaries and expectations can help individuals avoid stress and enjoy time with loved ones.

Manage Finances

Managing finances during the holiday season can be stressful, but budgeting and planning can help individuals avoid debt and enjoy the season without financial stress.

Conclusion

The holiday season can be overwhelming, but by identifying potential issues and devising solutions, individuals can counter the holiday blues and maintain good mental health. Normalize reality, set realistic expectations, get enough Vitamin D, manage relationships, and manage finances. These solutions can help individuals enjoy the season without feeling overwhelmed.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.