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Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Talking to Kids and Teens About Sex

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Strategies for connecting with kids about safer sex and boundaries
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Discussing the topic of sex with your children is an important aspect of their overall education and development. As a parent, it’s crucial to approach these conversations with sensitivity, honesty, and age-appropriate information. By tailoring your approach to your child’s developmental stage, you can create a safe space for open dialogue about sex. In this blog post, we’ll provide you with guidance on how to talk about sex with children of different age groups.

  1. Early Childhood (Ages 3-7):

    During the early years, focus on teaching children about body autonomy, privacy, and appropriate touching. Use proper anatomical terms when discussing body parts to establish a foundation of comfort and understanding. Answer their questions about where babies come from in a simple and straightforward manner, emphasizing that these conversations are natural and something they can always talk to you about.

  2. Late Childhood and Pre-Adolescence (Ages 8-12):

    As your child matures, expand the conversation to include more detailed information about puberty, reproductive systems, and the changes their bodies will undergo. Address their curiosity about relationships and emotions, emphasizing the importance of healthy boundaries and mutual respect. Introduce topics like consent, online safety, and the potential consequences of early sexual activity.

  3. Early Teen Years (Ages 13-15):

    During this stage, your child’s understanding of relationships and attraction deepens. Discuss topics like consent, peer pressure, and the emotional aspects of relationships. Provide accurate information about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), stressing the importance of responsible choices. Encourage open communication and let them know that you are there to answer any questions they may have.

  4. Late Teen Years (Ages 16-18):

    As your child approaches adulthood, engage in conversations about more complex aspects of sex, such as the emotional connection in intimate relationships. Talk about healthy communication, self-respect, and setting boundaries. Address the importance of making informed decisions and the potential consequences of risky behaviors.

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Tips from the Professionals:

  • Be sure that you have a private place to have these discussions, especially as kids get old enough to be embarrassed.
  • Be mindful of using fear as a motivator for good decisions. This usually backfires since it puts kids of all ages into a “fight-or-flight” mindset, which is not designed for working memory. For teens, it also gives them something else to rebel against.
  • Watch for how they are responding. One way to gauge this is by thinking of a traffic light:
    • Green Light: They are attentive and even ask questions.
    • Yellow/Orange Light: They are starting to seem a little uncomfortable. Squirming, avoiding eye contact, etc.
    • Red Light: They are clearly disengaged from the conversation. They may even ask, “Are we done?” or, “Can I go now?” You might also see them attempting to change the subject.
  • Be mindful of the conversation length. Younger kids will have far shorter attention spans. Try to shoot for short five-minute talks. Teenagers may give you 15-30 minutes . . . if you’re lucky. Remember, you can come back to these talks, but don’t overdo it.
  • Look for “teaching opportunities.” Perhaps sex comes up in a movie or TV show. You can try to slip in a quick lesson. Again, don’t overdo it.

  • And most important:

    • If they come to you with questions, stop what you are doing and answer them. Sometimes you cannot just stop (if you are cooking a meal or if you are working on a deadline, etc.) . . . In these cases, take a second and schedule a specific time that you would be happy to talk with them; ideally the same day. Bear in mind that by then they may have lost interest, or have gotten their question answered. Regardless, check in with them at the appointed time and see if they’ll tell you what they were wondering about anyway.

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Talking to your children about sex presents different challenges at different ages and therefore requires a delicate balance of honesty, sensitivity, and age-appropriate information. Create an atmosphere of trust and open communication, where your child feels comfortable coming to you with their questions and concerns. Remember that your role as a parent is not just to provide information, but also to guide and support your child as they navigate the complexities of relationships and their own bodies. By fostering a safe space for conversations about sex, you can empower your child to make informed decisions and form healthy relationships as they grow.

*Updated on August 28, 2023

Learn more about Parenting and how to communicate effectively with your kids.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs

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Strategies for connecting with kids about life-and-death issues
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Discussing drugs with your children can be a challenging yet crucial conversation. As a parent, it’s important to approach these discussions in a way that is age-appropriate and informative. By adapting your approach to suit your child’s developmental stage, you can create a foundation of understanding and trust that will help guide them through the complexities of the world. In this blog post, we’ll provide you with tips on how to talk about drugs with children of different age groups.

  1. Preschool and Early Elementary Years (Ages 3-7): During these early years, keep the conversation simple and age-appropriate. Use everyday situations to introduce concepts of medicine, substances, and safety. Focus on teaching them about the difference between things that help our bodies (like medicine prescribed by a doctor) and things that can harm our bodies. Emphasize the importance of asking an adult before taking anything.
  2. Late Elementary and Middle School Years (Ages 8-12): As your child gets older, their curiosity about the world increases. Start introducing more detailed discussions about drugs, including both legal and illegal substances. Use news stories, movies, or TV shows as conversation starters. Be prepared to answer their questions honestly and provide information about the potential risks and consequences of drug use. Reinforce that they can come to you with questions without fear of getting into trouble.
  3. Early High School Years (Ages 13-15): During this stage, peer pressure and a desire for independence become more significant. Talk openly about the risks associated with drugs, including addiction, health problems, and legal consequences. Encourage critical thinking and decision-making skills by discussing real-life scenarios and helping them practice saying “no” in challenging situations. They may roll their eyes and say it’s corny, but they are listening.
  4. Late High School Years (Ages 16-18): As your child nears adulthood, they will face more complex choices. Engage in candid conversations about the effects of drugs on brain development, academic performance, and overall life goals. Discuss the importance of making responsible choices and setting boundaries. Keep communication lines open and assure them that they can always turn to you for guidance without fear of getting into trouble.

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[av_content_slider heading=’Drugs and Teenagers: A reality check’ columns=’1′ navigation=’arrows’ control_layout=’av-control-default’ nav_visibility_desktop=” nav_arrow_color=” nav_arrow_bg_color=” nav_dots_color=” nav_dot_active_color=” margin=” margin_sync=’true’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ font_color=” color=” background_color=” bg_color=’#ffffff’ gradient_color_direction=’vertical’ gradient_color_1=’#000000′ gradient_color_2=’#ffffff’ gradient_color_3=” border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=’slide’ transition_speed=” autoplay=’true’ interval=’5′ autoplay_stopper=’aviaTBautoplay_stopper’ heading_tag=” heading_class=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-vgpnbj’ sc_version=’1.0′]
[av_content_slide title=’61%’ heading_tag=” heading_class=” link=” linktarget=” title_attr=” av_uid=’av-llfjhika’ sc_version=’1.0′]
Drug use went up by 61% among 8th graders between 2016 and 2020.
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[av_content_slide title=’62%’ heading_tag=” heading_class=” link=” linktarget=” title_attr=” av_uid=’av-llfjici9′ sc_version=’1.0′]
Sixty-two percent of high school seniors have abused alcohol.
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[av_content_slide title=’50%’ heading_tag=” heading_class=” link=” linktarget=” title_attr=” av_uid=’av-llfjj0e7′ sc_version=’1.0′]
HALF of all teenagers have misused drugs at least once.
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*From the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics

Conclusions

Talking to your children about drugs at different ages requires an adaptable approach. The key is to foster an environment of trust and open communication, where your child feels comfortable discussing their thoughts, concerns, and questions; at all ages, this means telling them that they can come to you with issues related to drugs without fear of getting into trouble. Remember that building a foundation of knowledge and understanding from a young age will empower your child to make informed decisions as they navigate the world around them. Your role as a parent is not only to inform but also to support and guide them through life’s challenges.

*Published on August 17, 2023

Learn more about Parenting and how to communicate effectively with your kids.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How to Breakup Without Being Cruel

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A Guide to Breakup Etiquette for Adults and Teens
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Breaking up with someone is undoubtedly one of the most challenging and emotionally charged experiences we may encounter in our lives. Whether you’re an adult or a teenager, ending a relationship can be overwhelming and filled with a mix of emotions. However, it’s essential to approach the process with empathy and kindness to ensure that both parties involved can navigate the breakup without unnecessary pain. In this blog post, we will explore some valuable tips on how to breakup without being cruel, fostering respect and understanding during this sensitive time (see #5 below).

  1. Choose the Right Setting:

Selecting an appropriate setting for the breakup is crucial to ensure both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves honestly. For adults, consider having a private and quiet space where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. For teens, choose a time when both of you are calm and relaxed, and find a private space where you can talk without distractions or interruptions. Consider going to your partner’s turf (their home, etc) so they do not have to drive home while upset, and so that there is not the risk of them potentially crying in public where they may be uncomfortable.

  1. Be Honest, Yet Kind:

Honesty is essential in any breakup, but it’s equally crucial to be mindful of your words and tone. Express your feelings and reasons for the decision in a compassionate and gentle manner. It is important to remember that this is not the time to list the things you don’t like about them. This means you should avoid blaming or criticizing the other person and instead focus on sharing your perspective and emotions. Remember that the goal is not to hurt the other person but to provide clarity and understanding.

  1. Listen with Empathy:

When breaking up, it’s essential to listen to the other person’s feelings and concerns with empathy. Allow them to express their emotions without interruption, and validate their feelings, even if you may not fully understand or agree with them. Remember that emotions are valid, and everyone experiences a breakup differently. If they are angry, this is a normal reaction to feeling hurt. You do not have to “fix” the anger; instead, show empathy and understanding, but stick to your message.

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  1. Be Mindful of Timing:

Timing is critical when initiating a breakup. Avoid choosing days with significant events or special occasions, as it can intensify emotional distress. Be considerate of the other person’s schedule, and ensure they have enough time and space to process the news without feeling rushed.

  1. Do not offer false hope:

After a breakup, both adults and teens need time to heal and adjust to the new reality. While the intention of remaining friends might seem comforting, it’s important to consider that it could create confusion or false hope. Give each other the space needed to process emotions and find closure. It’s okay to take a break from communication to focus on individual healing before considering a potential friendship in the future. Respect each other’s need for distance and time to move forward independently. Remember, when each of you starts dating again, a potential friendship will probably have to be re-evaluated out of respect for your new partner(s).

  1. Avoid Public Breakups:

While it might seem easier to break up in a public place, it can be distressing for the other person and may lead to unnecessary embarrassment. Choose a private location to allow both of you to express your emotions openly without feeling judged or observed.

**The exception to this is if there is potential for violence. In this case, find a semi-public space where you feel safe, but that still offers some degree of privacy. A public park is a great example. If you are in an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

[av_promobox button=’yes’ label=’Learn More’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue81e’ font=’entypo-fontello’ label_display=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ size=’large’ box_color=” box_custom_font=’#ffffff’ box_custom_bg=’#444444′ box_custom_border=’#333333′ gradient_color_direction=’vertical’ gradient_color_1=’#000000′ gradient_color_2=’#ffffff’ gradient_color_3=” border_promo=” border_promo_width=” border_promo_width_sync=’true’ border_promo_color=” border_radius_promo=” border_radius_promo_sync=’true’ box_shadow_promo=” box_shadow_promo_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_promo_color=” link=’manually,http://’ link_target=” title_attr=” hover_opacity=” sonar_promo_effect=” sonar_promo_color=” sonar_promo_duration=’1′ sonar_promo_scale=” sonar_promo_opac=’0.5′ id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-1349227′ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]
Learn more about the National Domestic Violence Hotline
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[av_icon_box position=’left’ icon_style=” boxed=” icon=’ue81e’ font=’entypo-fontello’ title=’Breaking up is hard to do’ custom_title_tag=’h3′ link=” linktarget=” linkelement=” font_color=” custom_title=” custom_content=” color=” custom_bg=” custom_font=” custom_border=” av-medium-font-size-title=” av-small-font-size-title=” av-mini-font-size-title=” av-medium-font-size=” av-small-font-size=” av-mini-font-size=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-opqnbj’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]
Breaking up is never easy, but with empathy and kindness, it can be a more compassionate experience for both adults and teens involved. Remember to choose an appropriate setting, be honest yet kind, listen with empathy, be mindful of timing, avoid public breakups, and offer support during this delicate time. By treating each other with respect and understanding, you can navigate the breakup process with grace and compassion, fostering emotional healing and growth for both parties involved.
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*Updated October 7, 2023

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Anxiety By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Post-Covid Anxiety

[av_heading heading=’Managing Post-COVID Anxiety’ tag=’h2′ style=’blockquote modern-quote modern-left’ subheading_active=’subheading_below’ show_icon=” icon=’ue800′ font=’entypo-fontello’ size=” av-desktop-font-size-title=” av-medium-font-size-title=” av-small-font-size-title=” av-mini-font-size-title=” subheading_size=” av-desktop-font-size=” av-medium-font-size=” av-small-font-size=” av-mini-font-size=” icon_size=” av-desktop-font-size-1=” av-medium-font-size-1=” av-small-font-size-1=” av-mini-font-size-1=” color=” custom_font=” subheading_color=” seperator_color=” icon_color=” margin=” margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ headline_padding=” headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-headline_padding=” av-desktop-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-headline_padding=” av-medium-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-small-headline_padding=” av-small-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-headline_padding=” av-mini-headline_padding_sync=’true’ padding=’10’ av-desktop-padding=” av-medium-padding=” av-small-padding=” av-mini-padding=” icon_padding=’10’ av-desktop-icon_padding=” av-medium-icon_padding=” av-small-icon_padding=” av-mini-icon_padding=” link=” link_target=” title_attr=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-1zrteuq’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]
Strategies for Healing and Well-being
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Discover effective strategies for managing post-COVID anxiety and regaining a sense of peace and well-being. This blog post explores the lasting impact of anxiety following the pandemic and offers practical tips to navigate this challenging period. If you’re seeking support, our compassionate counselors are here to help you on your healing journey.

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[av_heading heading=’Understanding Post-Covid Anxiety’ tag=’h3′ style=’blockquote modern-quote’ subheading_active=’subheading_below’ show_icon=” icon=’ue800′ font=’entypo-fontello’ size=” av-desktop-font-size-title=” av-medium-font-size-title=” av-small-font-size-title=” av-mini-font-size-title=” subheading_size=” av-desktop-font-size=” av-medium-font-size=” av-small-font-size=” av-mini-font-size=” icon_size=” av-desktop-font-size-1=” av-medium-font-size-1=” av-small-font-size-1=” av-mini-font-size-1=” color=” custom_font=” subheading_color=” seperator_color=” icon_color=” margin=” margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ headline_padding=” headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-headline_padding=” av-desktop-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-headline_padding=” av-medium-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-small-headline_padding=” av-small-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-headline_padding=” av-mini-headline_padding_sync=’true’ padding=’10’ av-desktop-padding=” av-medium-padding=” av-small-padding=” av-mini-padding=” icon_padding=’10’ av-desktop-icon_padding=” av-medium-icon_padding=” av-small-icon_padding=” av-mini-icon_padding=” link=’page,49′ link_target=” title_attr=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-1keapqq’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]
Explore the different ways post-COVID anxiety may manifest
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  • Social Anxiety: Coping with unease in social situations and crowded environments.
  • Health Anxiety: Managing excessive worry about personal and loved ones’ health.
  • Uncertainty and Future Concerns: Addressing anxieties about the long-term effects of the pandemic and financial stability.
  • Emotional Exhaustion: Dealing with ongoing stress and burnout.

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  • Seek Professional Support: Find solace in therapy with a qualified mental health professional who can offer tailored guidance and strategies for healing.
  • Prioritize Self-Care: Nurture your well-being through exercise, balanced nutrition, quality sleep, and relaxation techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness.
  • Gradual Exposure: Overcome social anxiety by taking small steps to reintegrate into social settings, starting with trusted individuals and gradually expanding your interactions.
  • Challenge Anxious Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic, positive perspectives through cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques.
  • Establish a Routine: Create a structured daily routine to foster stability and regain a sense of control.
  • Stay Informed Mindfully: Stay updated on COVID-19 from reliable sources, but set boundaries to avoid information overload and excessive news consumption.
  • Reach Out for Support: Connect with friends, family, and support networks to share experiences and seek emotional support.

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Post-COVID anxiety is a natural response to the uncertainties of the pandemic, but you can regain your well-being. Implement these coping strategies and reach out to our experienced counselors for professional support. Together, we’ll help you find healing and embrace a brighter future.

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*updated October 6 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Managing Defensiveness in Relationships

How to Effectively Manage Defensiveness in Relationships

Defensiveness is a common issue that can arise in relationships, and it can have a significant impact on the quality of communication and connection between partners. In this article, we will explore some additional tips and strategies for dealing with defensiveness and improving your relationship.

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The Impact of Defensiveness on Relationships

As mentioned in the Communication Killer: Defensiveness article, defensiveness can create a cycle of negative interactions between partners that can escalate conflicts and erode trust over time. This can lead to feelings of frustration, hurt, and resentment, and may even lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

To prevent this negative cycle from taking hold, it is important to be aware of the impact that defensiveness can have on your relationship. By recognizing the signs of defensiveness and being proactive in addressing them, you can prevent small conflicts from turning into larger issues.

Tips for Communicating Effectively with a Defensive Partner

If you find yourself dealing with a defensive partner, there are a number of communication strategies you can use to defuse defensiveness and promote a more productive conversation.

  • Active listening is one such technique. By actively listening to your partner’s concerns and feelings without judgment or defensiveness, you can show them that you value their perspective and are willing to work together to find a solution.
  • Reframing is another useful technique for communicating with a defensive partner. By rephrasing their words in a non-judgmental way, you can help them feel heard and understood, while also promoting more positive and constructive dialogue.
  • Validation is also an important tool for dealing with defensiveness. By acknowledging your partner’s feelings and concerns, you can help them feel more secure and less defensive, creating a more positive atmosphere for communication and problem-solving.

Addressing Underlying Emotions

It is also important to recognize and address the underlying emotions that can drive defensiveness, such as fear, insecurity, or shame. By taking the time to understand and validate these emotions, you can help your partner feel more secure and less threatened, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and promoting a more positive relationship.

External Factors and Defensiveness

Finally, it is important to consider the role that external factors, such as stress or past experiences, can play in triggering defensiveness. By identifying and addressing these factors proactively, partners can reduce the likelihood of defensiveness in the first place and create a more harmonious relationship.

Conclusion

Defensiveness can be a challenging issue to deal with in relationships, but by being proactive and using effective communication strategies, it is possible to create a more positive and supportive relationship. By taking the time to understand and address the underlying emotions and external factors that can trigger defensiveness, partners can build stronger connections and work together to overcome any challenges that arise.

[av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-k8ifzu’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Criticism

Criticism – The 1st Horseman

  1. the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes

Criticism is when you judge a person’s character instead of just their behavior. In the context of relationships, it’s like character assassination. While the least damaging of the Four Horsemen, Criticism is still destructive to a relationship because it attempts to paint the other person as completely bad. You often hear exclusive language like “You always” or “You never” when criticism is happening. This paints your partner as not just doing something bad, but as consistently being bad.

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What Criticism Looks Like in Relationships

Criticism is judging a person’s character, which can be hurtful and lead to defensiveness or contempt. It’s normal and healthy to complain about someone’s behavior, but it becomes critical (ie criticism) when you attack the person’s character. Criticism often involves “exclusive” language that includes words like, “always” and “never.” It may also take the form of an accusation, “You’re driving slow just to make me mad.”

What to Do About It: The Soft or Gentle Startup

The first three minutes of a conflict discussion predict the outcome with 98% accuracy. When a person starts with criticism (a “harsh startup”), the other person is likely to respond with their own horseman, usually defensiveness or contempt. This situation has a 98% probability of the conflict not being managed successfully and becoming worse. However, if the couple is able to recognize the criticism, action can be taken to get back on track. By apologizing, or even simply showing awareness of the criticism, couples can let go of the mistake and continue the conversation.

With a gentle startup, a tone of connection and understanding is established right off the bat. This helps your partner stay in an open, non-defensive place because they are less likely to perceive an attack. Softened startups often involve statements of the other person’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings, then asking how you can help. Expressing a sense of togetherness reaffirms that you are a team and that they are not alone. The soft or gentle startup creates a 98% likelihood of a successful outcome.

Building stronger relationships

While criticism is toxic to a relationship, working to keep it at bay helps prevent the other three horsemen from showing up. Remember, when a couple is arguing, they are trying unsuccessfully to have a conversation. Try to be curious about the criticism by finding what the complaint behind it is. By building constructive conversation skills people in relationships learn to let go of grudges, hear one another, and repair hurt feelings when they happen

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  • Criticism is judging a person’s character. It is character assassination and is toxic.
  • Complaints are focused on behavior, not the person. Complaints in this context are healthy when they are communicated effectively. In other words, complaining in this context is not the same thing as whining or nagging.

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Each of the horsemen, including criticism, tends to arise when a person does not feel heard and understood. Communicating your feelings and needs in an open and honest way, even if uncomfortable, helps couples feel closer and more at ease with vulnerability. It is this vulnerability that gives couples the opportunity to feel closer and to build trust.

It is not uncommon to hear people refer to couples as in a partnership or as being a team. This solidarity is the result of effective dialogue that minimizes the occurrence of the horsemen. Should criticism arise, acknowledge it and make a repair attempt to mend hurt feelings.

Next time you feel frustrated and tempted to criticize your partner, try initiating a gentle start-up. You might be pleasantly surprised by the positive responses and improved understanding you elicit by expressing your needs in a constructive manner. Together, you can apply this knowledge to make conflict discussions more productive, nurturing, and likely to achieve mutually satisfactory resolutions.

There are many other approaches to the softened startup, and the Gottman Method Couples Counseling helps you find methods that work in your unique relationship.

[av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-wc9lbz’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Defensiveness

Defensiveness – The 2nd Horseman

de·fen·sive·ness /dəˈfensivnəs/
noun: defensiveness
  1. the quality of being anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.
    “their supporters have reacted with defensiveness and hostility to the disclosure”
  2. behavior intended to defend or protect oneself [from a perceived attack].
    “defensiveness of the hive was related to the size of the colony”
    [av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-10qggrk’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

Defensiveness in Relationships: What it Means

Defensiveness in a relationship occurs when one or both partners feel threatened, attacked, or criticized. This can lead to behavior that is intended to protect oneself, rather than to communicate effectively with the other person. Defensiveness can manifest in many ways, including:

Dealing Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

In order to overcome defensiveness, it’s important to take responsibility for your own role in the situation. Practicing mindfulness can help you identify what triggers you and adapt your behaviors accordingly. This will allow you to connect with your partner and communicate effectively, even in difficult situations.

When you feel defensive, it’s important to communicate your feelings to your partner in a non-blaming way. This gives them the opportunity to understand your perspective and take corrective action. It also encourages accountability from them, as they are more likely to own their role in the situation.

By taking responsibility for your own actions and communicating effectively, you can overcome defensiveness and improve your relationship.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Contempt

Contempt – The 3rd Horseman

con·tempt /kənˈtem(p)t/
  1. the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn.
    “he showed his contempt for his job by doing it very badly.

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Contempt in Relationships

Contempt is a feeling of worthlessness and scorn towards a person or a thing. In relationships, it takes on a slightly different meaning, but it is no less destructive. It is the communication of utter disrespect, a rejection of another person’s worth, and it is even worse than hatred. When contempt is present, the person arguing will frequently degrade their partner, call them names, and show facial expressions of disgust. This behavior is toxic and can destroy relationships if not addressed.

How to Address Contempt in Relationships

In Gottman Couples Therapy, we offer two antidotes to combat contempt: communication and appreciation.

Communicate Your Needs and Feelings

Being mindful of your own potential for contempt is essential. When you bring self-awareness to the table, you are better able to head it off at the pass. Instead of lashing out, use I-statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, say “I feel ____ when it seems like I’m not being heard” and “What I need is ______” instead of “I need you to stop ______.” By doing this, you communicate your feelings and needs effectively without degrading your partner.

Cultivate Fondness and Appreciation

It’s essential to cultivate the opposite of contempt by showing appreciation and fondness towards your partner. Regularly look for reasons to show that you love and enjoy spending time with each other. Share at least one passionate kiss each day, not just a quick peck, but a real kiss that gets the fire going. Do those little things like dragging your hand across your partner’s back as you walk behind them. Tell them how impressed you are with their accomplishments, their focus, and their desire to learn. By doing these things, you create a positive environment that makes contempt less likely to take root.

Conclusion

Contempt is a communication killer. It communicates utter disrespect, and it is worse than hatred. To combat contempt, you must communicate effectively and cultivate fondness and appreciation toward your partner. With these antidotes, you can create a healthy relationship built on respect, love, and understanding.

[av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-l2ee8y’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Stonewalling

Stonewalling – The 4th Horseman

stone·wall /ˈstōnˌwôl/
  1. delay or block (a request, process, or person) by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies, especially in politics.
    “the highest level of bureaucracy stonewalled us”

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Stonewalling in Relationships

Stonewalling is a harmful behavior that can damage communication and relationships. It is characterized by a refusal or inability to participate in conflict discussions and can manifest as closed body language, a blank stare, or a look of contempt or annoyance. Stonewalling can be the result of the individual being overwhelmed by emotions such as anger, fear, or confusion, which causes a short circuit in the brain’s physiological response. This response is called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) and is a result of the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system being activated.

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What to Do About It: Take a Break and Engage in Self-Soothing

If you or your partner is stonewalling during a conflict discussion, it is important to take a break. This break should be at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. When calling for a break, it is crucial to do so in a neutral and non-critical manner. Using a buzzword or physical gesture can be effective in diffusing the tension. During the break, engage in self-soothing activities that slow down your heart rate and help you relax, such as breathing exercises, meditation, gardening, playing music, taking a warm bath or shower, or engaging in hobbies and interests. Avoid focusing on what you or your partner said during the conflict, and instead, focus on calming your emotions and thoughts.

Making a Repair Attempt

After the break, it is important to make a repair attempt by communicating your accountability, understanding, and desire for things to be better. This can be done by saying something like, “Hey, I’m sorry this got heated. Can we talk about it calmly now?” or “I understand how you feel, and I want to work on this together.” Making a repair attempt can help neutralize the harmful effects of stonewalling and create a safe and productive space for communication.

Overcoming Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a communication killer, but with the right tools and techniques, it can be overcome. By taking a break, engaging in self-soothing activities, and making a repair attempt, you can create a safe and productive space for communication and work towards resolving conflicts in your relationship. Remember, communication is key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and overcoming stonewalling is a crucial step toward achieving that.

How to Take a Break During a Conflict

When tensions run high during a conflict, it’s important to take a break to allow both parties to cool off and gather their thoughts. It’s best to request a break in a non-accusatory and non-critical manner, but if the situation is toxic, it’s important to honor the request and address repair efforts later. Many couples find it helpful to use a neutral buzzword or physical gesture, such as “Marshmallow” or tugging on an earlobe, to indicate the need for a break. This can help diffuse the tension and create a more positive atmosphere.

To ensure that both parties are on the same page, it’s important to be specific about the length of the break. A break should be at least 20 minutes but no more than 24 hours. It’s important to communicate how long the break will be before walking away to avoid leaving the other person wondering when the issue will be addressed again. This can prevent one person from following the other around and trying to continue the conversation, which can lead to both parties becoming flooded.

Self-Soothing Techniques

Stonewalling during a conflict can often be a result of a flooded nervous system. To prevent this, it’s important to engage in self-soothing activities that help slow down your heart rate and provide a sense of calm. Activities such as breathing exercises, meditation, gardening, playing music, taking a warm bath or shower, or engaging in hobbies and interests can be helpful. During a break, it’s important to focus on self-care and not on planning your rebuttal or dwelling on what your partner has said. Taking a break can help both parties approach the conflict with a clear and calm mindset.

[av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-jzei4h’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Belligerence

Belligerence

bel·lig·er·ence /bəˈlij(ə)rəns/
noun: belligerence; noun: belligerency
  1. aggressive or warlike behavior.
    “The reaction ranged from wild enthusiasm to outright belligerence”

Belligerence in Relationships

Belligerence is a form of aggressive or combative behavior, often observed during conflicts in relationships. When a person exhibits belligerence, they appear to be looking for a fight and expressing their anger in an aggressive manner. According to the Gottman Institute, belligerent responses often involve unfair teasing or a dare, which can further escalate the conflict:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “What’ll you do if I say no? Hit me? Throw some dishes?! Go ahead! I dare ya!”

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Dealing with Belligerence

The best way to deal with belligerence in a relationship is to make a repair attempt. Repair attempts are actions or words used to de-escalate a conflict and signal the willingness to work towards a solution. By offering a good-faith attempt to repair any damage done during the conflict, you communicate accountability, understanding, and a desire for things to be better. Repair attempts can help to neutralize the toxicity of belligerence and prevent further escalation.

One example of a repair attempt is to take a break from the conflict for 20 minutes and come back to the conversation later. This allows both parties to cool off and approach the discussion with a clearer mind. By making repair attempts, you can communicate that you are invested in the relationship and willing to work towards a resolution. In the example above, either Zoey or Mark could say, “Hey, this got really heated and that’s not really what I was hoping for. Could we take a 20-minute break and start over?”

Conclusion

Belligerence is a toxic communication pattern that can poison any relationship. However, by recognizing this behavior and responding with repair attempts, you can prevent it from further damaging your relationship. Remember to approach conflicts with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to work towards a solution.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.