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Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Blame

Blame

blame /blām/
verb: blame; 3rd person present: blames; past tense: blamed; past participle: blamed; gerund or present participle: blaming
  1. assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.
    “The board of inquiry blamed the engineer for the accident”

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What it looks like in relationships

Blaming someone for something is assigning responsibility for a fault or a wrong. In relationships, blame often takes the form of score-keeping or overt assigning of fault, where one partner blames the other for something that went wrong. This blame game is associated with defensiveness and criticism, and it can further poison the relationship. Regardless of how it presents, blame is an attempt to vent pain. However, blame won’t help as much as you might think in the heat of the moment.

What to do about it: Accept Responsibility & and Look for Hidden Desires

The antidote for blame is to accept responsibility, even if only for some parts of the situation. Accepting responsibility reduces the strain on the conversation and in your own mind, allowing you to capture those chances for connection with your partner. Quite often, when blame is part of the conflict, taking a closer look at the situation reveals that the person doing the blaming is secretly longing for something they may not even be able to put into words yet. When you show them that you are willing to help shoulder the burden of the tension, they are far more likely to find the words to express those deeper needs and wants.

In the Communication Killers series of posts, blame is one of the six most toxic communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. They caution that these dynamics will poison any relationship, not just romantic ones. Moving away from blame is crucial for healthy communication and relationships.

Why it is important to move away from blame

Here’s a short (and funny!) video by Dr. Brené Brown about Blame and how toxic it is in our lives.

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To learn more about communication patterns and improving relationships, read other articles in the Couples and Marriage Counseling category.

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Enhancing Relationships: The power of being listenable

Being listenable helps you be heard

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and mastering the art of speaking in a way that is easy for others to hear is particularly crucial in potentially difficult conversations that involve conflict. By developing the skills to convey your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully, you can navigate challenging discussions with grace and enhance the overall quality of your relationships. In this article, we will explore strategies for improving your speaking abilities in difficult conversations, facilitating understanding, and fostering resolution. Of course, listening well helps the other person hear you since they are less likely to be thinking about how to convince you to hear their side; in other words, if they know you understand them, they have more bandwidth to really hear you.

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  1. Cultivate Self-Awareness:

Before engaging in a difficult conversation, take a moment to reflect on your own emotions, triggers, and biases. Self-awareness allows you to approach the conversation with a clear mind and manage your emotions effectively. Understanding your communication style and how it may impact others empowers you to adapt your approach and ensure that your message is received more effectively.

  1. Choose the Right Timing and Environment:

Timing and environment play a significant role in how a conversation unfolds. Pick a time when both parties can dedicate their full attention to the discussion. Find a neutral and comfortable setting where privacy is ensured, minimizing distractions that could impede effective communication. Creating a safe and conducive space sets the stage for open dialogue and enhances the chances of a productive outcome.

  1. Use “I” Statements and Express Empathy:

When expressing your thoughts and concerns, frame your statements using “I” instead of “you” to avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational. This approach takes ownership of your emotions and experiences, making it easier for the other person to hear and understand your perspective. Additionally, demonstrate empathy by acknowledging their feelings and showing genuine understanding of their point of view. This helps create a supportive atmosphere and encourages reciprocity in the conversation.

  1. Practice Active Listening:

Effective communication involves not only speaking but also actively listening. As you express your thoughts, periodically check in with the other person to ensure they understand your message. Encourage them to share their thoughts and actively listen to their responses without interruption. By demonstrating that you value their input, you create an atmosphere of respect and mutual understanding, fostering a more constructive dialogue.

  1. Use Clear and Concise Language:

Clarity is key when engaging in difficult conversations. Be mindful of the words you choose and aim for simplicity and brevity. Avoid ambiguous or vague language that may lead to misunderstandings. Instead, express your thoughts in a direct and concise manner, providing specific examples when necessary. Clear communication helps reduce confusion and ensures that your message is received accurately.

  1. Focus on Solutions, not Blame:

Shifting the focus from blame to solutions is essential in resolving conflicts. Instead of dwelling on past events or assigning fault, concentrate on finding mutually beneficial resolutions. Explore possible alternatives together, actively involving the other person in problem-solving. By emphasizing a collaborative approach, you create an atmosphere of teamwork and increase the likelihood of reaching a satisfactory outcome.

  1. Maintain Composure and Emotional Regulation:

In potentially difficult conversations, emotions may run high. It is crucial to maintain composure and regulate your emotions effectively. Stay calm and collected, and avoid becoming defensive or confrontational. Take deep breaths, pause if necessary, and return to the conversation when you feel more composed. By modeling emotional regulation, you set a positive example and create a conducive environment for productive dialogue. Remember to actively listen to the other person’s concerns and validate their emotions, even if you disagree. Responding with empathy and understanding fosters an atmosphere of respect and promotes a more constructive exchange of ideas.

Conclusion

Improving your speaking skills in difficult conversations is a valuable investment in building stronger relationships. By cultivating self-awareness, using “I” statements, practicing active listening, and maintaining composure, you can navigate potentially challenging discussions with greater ease. Remember, effective communication is a two-way street that requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to find common ground. By implementing these strategies, you can foster understanding, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your relationships in the face of adversity.

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*updated October 6, 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Living “What is” instead of “What if”

How often do you find yourself looking back and asking things like:

  • What if I had stuck with playing the guitar?
  • What if I hadn’t dropped out of baseball?
  • What if I had shown up to that marketing event?

There are a million ways to drive yourself absolutely bonkers with “what-if’s;” and each one is a perfect recipe for regret, stressing yourself out, and missing out on what is happening right now.

Even if what is happening right now is painful or regrettable, staying in the moment of “what is” helps you respond to your situation and relieve the distress. When you are mindful of the here-and-now you can assess what skills and tools you have to respond to any stress you are experiencing. Once you know what you have, you can leverage it! But if you are looking into the past you are splitting your awareness away from what you have that can help in the now.

This is what folks mean when they say, “It’s tough to move forward when you are looking behind you.”  When you try, you bump into things and fall down more, not less. So look at the here and now, and plan for the future!

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Linus Drops his Blanket

In the classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, Charlie Brown frantically asks if anybody knows the true meaning of Christmas. The eternally sweet Linus, with his security blanket in tow, walks to center stage of the school auditorium, drops his security blanket, and confidently recites the Biblical account of the true meaning of Christmas.

I do not believe that Linus’ dropping his security blanket is accidental. I believe that it is symbolic of how we don’t need comfort objects/behaviors, like a security blanket or a nervously fidgeting, when we are talking about what we truly believe, whether it is a spiritual/religious story, an ethical or moral stance, a political opinion or social preference. When we are truly authentic in presenting our beliefs, there is no malice, no shaming, no judging, no passive-aggression, etc. Instead, there is a clear genuineness, an authenticity that is disarming instead of alarming.

Sometimes, that security blanket takes the form of judging people for their different beliefs and opinions. When we are truly confident in our beliefs, we don’t quarrel . . . so nobody quarrels with us. This is a reference to Chapter 22 of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu:

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, ‘Yield and overcome.’
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

(translation by Gia-fu Feng and Jane English)

It’s a special time of year for many people, and a difficult time for many as well; Let’s not quarrel. Let’s not boast. Yield and overcome. That’s Linus. I find it interesting that he even has that security blanket.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

The Calming Breath

Parasympathetic Nervous System: Rest & Digest

Stress and anxiety trigger the ‘fight-or-flight response’ in our bodies, a survival mechanism controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. This response is designed to help us face danger for a few minutes at a time. However, when it remains active for extended periods, we experience symptoms like irritability, restlessness, tiredness, and depression.

Interestingly, our bodies respond to perceived danger in the same way they would to real danger. For example, if we fear failing a test, our bodies respond to it as if we’re facing a dangerous situation, such as a dog chasing us. This means that our bodies need to be convinced that we’re not in danger to stop the response. To do this, we need to activate the ‘rest-and-digest response,’ controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system.

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Activating the Rest-and-Digest nervous system

The question most people ask is, “How do I turn off the fight-or-flight response?” However, a more effective question is, “How do I turn ON the rest-and-digest response?” It’s easier to follow positive instructions like “DO think about a green cat” than negative instructions like “DON’T think about a purple elephant.” Therefore, instead of trying to turn off the sympathetic nervous system, we should focus on turning on the parasympathetic nervous system. The good news is that activating the rest-and-digest response turns off the fight-or-flight response.

Belly-breathing is the ON switch for calmness

Controlling your breath is the easiest way to activate the rest-and-digest response. Studies have shown that diaphragmatic breathing, also called belly breathing, triggers the relaxation response. The technique involves breathing deeply and slowly while focusing on your belly rising and falling.

To practice belly breathing, lie down with a pillow under your knees and place your hands on your belly. Inhale slowly and deeply, allowing your belly to rise, then hold your breath for a moment. Exhale slowly, letting your belly fall. You can also visualize bellows pointing upwards and inhaling through your nose (the “entrance for air” in the image) while expanding your belly like the bellows (the part where your hands expand outward to pull air in). Exhale through your mouth (the “nozzle” in this image) while contracting your belly (In the picture below, this would be like bringing your hands together at the bottom of the bellows to push air out).

image of a bellows

There are many types of relaxing breathing exercises. I explain the 3 most common in the “How to Relax and Unwind” blog post. A simple breathing exercise that does not involve any counting is:

  • Breathe in slowly for a few seconds (your belly rises)
  • Pause for a moment
  • Exhale slowly for a few seconds (your belly falls)
  • Pause for a moment
  • Repeat this for 3-5 minutes.

When we start counting how long the inhales, pauses and exhales are, we are beginning to access deeper levels of relaxation.

The physiological sigh

Based on the work of neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Huberman, the physiological sigh simply adds a quick 2nd inhale immediately after the initial inhale. According to Dr. Huberman, this helps ensure that the tiny air sacs in the lungs become more inflated to help bring in oxygen and get rid of carbon dioxide.

Athletes, yoga practitioners, and martial artists commonly use belly breathing to calm their minds and bodies. By using this technique, you signal to your brain that all is well, which slows down your brainwaves and releases calming chemicals to help you relax. With practice, belly breathing can help alleviate anxiety and improve sleep quality, so don’t give up!

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*Updated July 13, 2023

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Anxiety By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Fear is not Predictive

When we are run down, tired, stressed, burnt out, etc. we tend to think that our worst fears are absolutely coming true. How many of us have gone into a meeting with a boss certain that we were about to get fired? That fear, however, was just motivating us to be prepared for the meeting; prepared to accept responsibility for an incomplete project, or numbers that were not up to standard. Then we get to the meeting only to be offered some encouraging words from our boss. When we went in all stressed out, we were convinced that termination was imminent. Except that it wasn’t.

There are many times in our lives when our fear is trying to prevent catastrophe, not predict it. Mindfulness helps you know the difference.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

 

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Dealing with Toxic People

Dealing with Toxic People: How to Protect Yourself and Support Them

Recently, there has been a lot of attention on how to recognize and minimize contact with toxic people. While it is important to take appropriate steps to protect yourself from such people, it is also helpful to know how to deal with or even support a toxic person when possible, rather than abandoning them completely.

In this article, we will focus on ways to protect and support yourself while dealing with toxic people. However, we will also address when it may be time to end a relationship in the last section.

How to Protect Yourself

First, be honest with yourself. Do you want to continue being friends with this person if they improve? Are you willing to put in the effort to establish and maintain healthy boundaries? If the answer is no, that is okay. You are under no obligation to be a part of this person’s improvement. But, it is important to recognize when somebody wants to change and is actively trying to change. Here are some tips on protecting yourself:

  • Don’t Feed the Bear! – Do NOT feed the toxic behaviors by participating with them! Insulating yourself from toxicity is helpful to the toxic person, though they may not admit it.
  • Know Your Limits – Even if you are a mental health professional, you cannot be a friend’s or loved one’s therapist. Do not take on that role as you risk becoming too entangled in the intricacies that a therapeutic relationship should be addressing (not to mention professional ethics!). The techniques outlined below are not therapy; they are self-care for you and potentially helpful for the toxic person’s growth should they take that on.
  • Set Clear Boundaries – Try to use the same language when you remind them of these boundaries. This consistency helps keep things simple and clear, and less susceptible to the manipulative twisting that comes with toxic methods. Some examples of boundaries would be:
    • “When you start gossiping or being negative in general, I’ll let you know, but then you have to stop or I’ll need to leave.”
    • “If you insist on lying about something, I will not participate. I’ll challenge the lie, but if you don’t own it, I’ll need to leave.”
    • “Talking about a tough situation is fine, but if you begin blaming people, or start feeling sorry for yourself, I’ll need to leave.”
  • Enforce Those Boundaries – If you have set a boundary that you will leave should somebody continue to badmouth someone else, then get up and leave if they continue. Period. You’ll need to stand your ground should they later launch a guilt trip toward you. You can be polite, but firm. Express that you care about them and will, therefore, not feed the toxic vibes that could tarnish your friendship. Sometimes the tone may be more firm than polite, but there’s no reason for you to be mean or something you’re not. Assertiveness is always fine.
  • Limit Your Time with Toxic People – If you find that your friend or family member is in a much healthier frame of mind when you go to the park, then spend more time at the park. If you realize that they are especially difficult when they drink alcohol, then do not drink with them.

Be Supportive, But Not of the Toxicity

When toxic people are going through a difficult time, it’s okay to offer support and compassion. However, if they are consistently negative and refuse to take steps to improve their situation, it’s time to step back. You can still care about them without allowing their toxic behavior to drag you down.

  • Practice Compassion

    It’s important to remember that toxic people often behave the way they do as a coping mechanism. While their behavior may be hurtful, it’s often a reflection of their own inner pain. Compassion does not mean tolerating toxic behavior. It means acknowledging their pain while still maintaining your own boundaries and self-respect.

Recognizing When It’s Time to Move On

If you feel drained, exhausted, or unhappy more often than not after spending time with someone, it may be time to consider letting them go. Trust your gut and listen to your intuition; it will usually guide you in the right direction. However, there are other signs to look out for that indicate it’s time to move on.

Signs It’s Time to Let Go

  1. Trust Your Gut

    Your intuition is not prone to error, so if you feel like it’s time to move on, trust yourself.

  2. They Cannot See the Problem

    If you have tried to communicate with them about the issue, but they are not acknowledging or taking it seriously, it may be time to let go.

  3. They Aren’t Trying to Change

    If they see the problem but aren’t taking steps to change their behavior, consider moving on.

  4. You Are Becoming Toxic

    If you notice that you are behaving negatively or becoming toxic yourself as a result of spending time with this person, it’s time to let them go.

  5. You Are Losing Sleep

    If you find yourself losing sleep worrying about the next time you see them, it’s time to let go.

  6. You keep getting let down

    If they repeatedly let you down or don’t follow through on plans, it may be time to move on.

  7. They regularly ruin your day

    If they consistently bring negativity into your life and leave you feeling drained or upset, consider moving on.

  8. They regularly ruin your day

    If they consistently bring negativity into your life and leave you feeling drained or upset, consider moving on.

  9. You feel guilty for not being around them

    If they try to manipulate you using guilt, and you feel obligated to be around them, it’s time to move on.

  10. They become abusive

    If they become physically or emotionally/verbally abusive, it’s time to cut ties immediately. It is OK to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline even if your situation is not with a romantic partner; violence in our personal lives is never okay and they will be able to steer you toward safety. Do not hesitate to call 9-1-1 if you are in danger or are not sure.

Conclusions

Remember, it’s important to prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being. While it may be difficult to let go of someone, it’s necessary for your own happiness and growth. Trust yourself and know that you deserve healthy and positive relationships in your life. Please get in touch if you are not sure what to do about a toxic person in your life. I am here to help.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Understanding Toxic People

Dealing with Toxic People

Dealing with toxic people can be a difficult task, but it’s important to remember that with the right knowledge and practice, you can protect yourself and avoid being pulled into their negative vortex. This article will provide you with some helpful tips on dealing with toxic people while maintaining a healthy and happy life.

It’s important to understand that there is no guarantee that these people will change, as toxic behaviors are often deeply rooted in their personalities. These behaviors may have developed as survival skills, especially in toxic families. As a result, toxic people may exhibit very rigid behavior sets that are hard to change. Many toxic individuals may also struggle with depression and anxiety, which can lead to toxic thoughts and behaviors that are not properly managed with therapy, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, nutrition, and sometimes medication.

Understanding Toxic Behaviors

It’s important to remember that toxic people are often kind individuals at their core. In fact, you may even catch glimpses of their likable features from time to time. However, toxic people may succumb to their darker side and exhibit negative behaviors that push away the people who care about them. This behavior is not indicative of a happy and confident person, but rather a person who is suffering and often does not want to infect others with their negativity. Their intense loneliness may drive them to be around people, but they interact in ways that push others away, thereby verifying their self-concept of being unlikeable.

Toxic behaviors often arise from genetic conditions like depression and anxiety or from circumstances that lead to Post Traumatic Stress and resulting depression/anxiety. While these factors are not under the direct control of the toxic individual, it is still their responsibility to manage their behaviors. You can be part of the solution, but it is crucial not to task yourself with fixing them.

The likable features of a toxic person are typically the very features that represent openness and therefore vulnerability. It is this vulnerability that the toxic individual protects with a tough, toxic exterior.

Recognizing Toxic People

It is essential to understand how to recognize toxic people. Here are some features of toxic people:

Consistently negative: Toxic people extract negativity from almost any situation. They extract rejection or failure rather than seeing reality in a healthy way. They may also anticipate rejection before anything has even happened.

Delighting in revenge: Toxic people think that other people will delight in stories of “teaching people lessons.” This trait is taken to extremes and seems to dominate much of their conversation.

Stirs up drama: Whether through gossip or blatant dishonesty, toxic personalities go to great lengths to drag people into the same vortex of misery they find themselves in. The trouble is that they often don’t realize that they are doing it.

It’s important to keep in mind that we are talking about patterns, not isolated examples of these behaviors. We are usually talking about people who show a pattern of several of these traits, not just one or two. If you are unsure, talk to your trusted friends and family or get in touch with me, and I will be honest with you. If it seems like you may carry excessive toxicity, we will discuss how to overcome it.

Identifying Toxic People: 6 Traits to Look Out For

If you want to learn how to deal with toxic people, the first step is to recognize the traits that make them toxic. Here are six traits to look out for:

1. Excessive self-centeredness

Toxic people make everything about themselves. They often interrupt conversations to talk about their experiences and achievements, and they cannot allow the conversation to focus on others for very long.

2. Selfishness

Toxic individuals may be very focused on justice and equality, but this crosses over into selfishness. They may go to great lengths to point out how others did not put in their fair share, rather than offering to help.

3. Need to be right

Toxic people often work extra hard to prove that they are always right, even when they are not. This can come across as narcissistic, and it is a trait that often isolates them from others.

4. Frequent dishonesty

Dishonesty helps toxic individuals mask their true feelings and manipulate the truth to create circumstances that support their need to be right. It is a sign of deep suffering rather than a healthy and happy personality.

5. Victim mentality

Toxic people often see themselves as the victims of many injustices, and they may tell their stories over and over again, sometimes in a heroic light. While it is important to understand their past, it is equally important not to allow yourself to get dragged down by their story or guilt trips.

6. Grudges

Toxic people may carry generalized grudges against authority figures or innocent victims, and they may seek to punish those they perceive as hurting them, consciously or unconsciously. It is important not to play into their grudges or mistreatment of others.

Conclusion

Recognizing these traits can help you to identify toxic people in your life. Remember, toxic personalities are an elaborate set of self-protect mechanisms, and compassion is the highest form of loving-kindness when dealing with them. In the next article, we will discuss how to insulate yourself from toxic people without abandoning them completely.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness and honesty

To completely experience the here-and-now, truthful mindfulness is required

Mindfulness and honesty are intricately intertwined as you must be completely honest with yourself about what is going on at any given moment. Genuine honesty first relates to one’s inner truth about instincts and emotions—even when conflicting or involving ambivalence. Once this inner genuineness is addressed, it relates to congruence in action and speech toward others.

This sort of mindful honesty is easily recognized. For example, one can clearly tell the difference between the musician who has only perfected the technique, but not connected with the emotions within the music…until that is, that musician gets into their ‘groove.’  At that point, the audience feels or intuits a change in the meaning of both the music and the musician. Within that genuine groove, skill magnifies the enjoyment of music in a way that the less skilled musician who is in a genuine groove is no less enjoyable.

Furthermore, when we practice mindful honesty ourselves, somebody else’s lack thereof may still be a more tolerable experience.

In a nutshell, when angry, experience and respond appropriately to your genuine, legitimate anger; be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. Remember that those feelings are trying to redirect your intention to joy or contentment; balance. Same with sadness, frustration, happiness, etc.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness, Discipline, Application

Begin personal change with mindfulness, discipline, and action

Mindfulness

Personal change is a process that requires a conscious effort to shift one’s behavior and thoughts in a new direction. This process can be initiated by mindfulness, which involves being present and aware of one’s thoughts and feelings in the moment. By practicing mindfulness, you can become more attuned to your own behavior and thought patterns, which can help you identify areas for improvement and personal growth.

Discipline

However, mindfulness alone is not enough to bring about lasting change. To truly transform your behavior and thought patterns, you need to use a disciplined approach to follow through with the application of behaviors and thoughts that bring you closer to the results you want. This requires a commitment to action and the willingness to take deliberate steps toward your goals.

Action

Discipline involves setting specific goals and holding yourself accountable for achieving them. This may involve creating a plan of action, breaking down larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps, and monitoring your progress along the way. It may also require making sacrifices and prioritizing your time and resources in order to stay on track.

Action is the final key to personal change. Without taking action, all the mindfulness and discipline in the world will not lead to tangible results. By putting your plan into action and making a consistent effort to change your behavior and thought patterns, you can create the momentum necessary to achieve your goals and make a lasting personal change.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.