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Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness: Understanding and Knowing

Practicing Mindfulness: Balancing Intellectual Understanding and Experiential Knowing

When it comes to practicing mindfulness, it’s important to recognize the value of both intellectual understanding and experiential knowing. Intellectual understanding refers to knowing something ‘in-theory,’ while experiential knowing goes beyond theory and is actually experienced in reality. For example, you might intellectually understand what jumping out of a plane must be like, but you do not experientially know it. Your intellectual understanding may be enough to tell you, “Nope!” while your experiential knowing is grateful for listening to that intellectual understanding.

The intellect can be a wonderful teacher as long as you are open to the experiential knowledge it is trying to teach. If you are defensive and closed to the reality that you are experiencing, you’ll likely feel some form of suffering. Remember, according to many mindfulness teachers, including myself, suffering arises when we do not accept reality as it is. In psychology, this is called “Cognitive Dissonance.”

Reflecting on our experience with our rational mind (the intellect), without judgment, is a key aspect of practicing mindfulness. By using the “full” mind to know our reality, both the intellectual/rational mind and the emotionally-experiential mind, we can cultivate a sense of balance. This hybrid mind, which integrates both thinking and feeling minds, is called the Wise Mind. Accessing both intellect and emotion allows us to make wise decisions and gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Creating the Mindful Mind

The Practice of Mindfulness

The word “mindfulness” is becoming more familiar to the general public, and that’s a good thing. In a world full of violence and heartache, a mindful mind can help relieve suffering. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what “is” without the addition of judgments of good or bad. For example, think of a time when you experienced physical pain but remained calm and found that the pain was not as bad as you would typically experience it. That was a moment of spontaneous mindfulness. We suffer when we are attached to things being “good” instead of “bad.” Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Ram Dass, and others state that we suffer when we do not accept the current moment as it is – in other words, we suffer when we are not mindful. This is an important concept to understand.

It’s essential to become acquainted with mindfulness and the role it can play in your life. It’s also important to have an accurate understanding of what mindfulness means and how you can cultivate it based on your unique personality. For some, creativity is a path to mindfulness, while others find martial arts, meditation, focused curiosity, and asking certain contemplative questions throughout the day helpful in cultivating mindfulness.

Regardless of how you cultivate mindfulness, you’ll find that it starts to show up outside of your practice. At first, you may experience that flow state, sometimes called metacognition, in small flashes. With more practice, it will become more familiar and longer-lasting.

Mindfulness Practices

Like anything in life, we don’t just turn on mastery of mindfulness. Instead, we start with some concrete practices and gradually move towards mastery. Here are some practices to start with as you begin to explore your own self-awareness:

1. Meditation

Meditation is a mindfulness practice in and of itself. It’s important to note that the idea of meditation is not to make the mind stop thinking thoughts, as that would be mindlessness. Instead, the goal is to achieve a focused awareness of what thoughts are passing through your mind. When you start a mindfulness meditation practice, you may notice that all the noise in your mind appears to get louder. This is supposed to happen since you’re becoming more aware of that kind of noise. As you become more mindful of the noise, you get more accustomed to it, which in turn allows you to remain relaxed and aware of what “is” without judgments of good or bad.

A daily meditation practice should happen twice per day, once in the morning and once before bed, lasting about 3-5 minutes (longer is fine). To start, use a simple single-pointed meditation with your focus returning to your breath each time you realize that you have become distracted away from it.

2. Gratitude

When you take the time to notice what you are grateful for, you reward yourself with gratitude itself. This helps you train your optimism and repeat the mindful process.

3. Compassion

When you see somebody behaving poorly, such as being rude to a waiter or waitress, practice understanding that this is the behavior of somebody who is suffering. Gaining this perspective helps you tune into your authentic self where mindfulness comes from. Noticing that you care for others is a practice in cultivating mindfulness of compassion.

4. Kindness

Accessing your own kind nature is key to cultivating mindfulness through kindness. You can start by turning inwards and finding kindness within yourself, and then aim to extend that kindness towards others. Kindness can also be a result of compassion and gratitude.

5. Optimism

Optimism is a powerful practice that can be easily improved through repetition. The more you practice optimism, the better you get at it. Optimism can help cultivate mindfulness by tapping into the reward mechanisms of the mind. When you are optimistic and make changes that help you feel better (as a result of mindfulness), you reinforce mindfulness and the resulting optimism. This creates a great cycle that can help you cultivate mindfulness and positivity in your life.

By practicing kindness and optimism, you can cultivate mindfulness and create positive changes in your life. Give them a try and see how they can benefit you

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness Practice

Mindfulness: The Art of Being Present

When you look at the child in this picture, notice the 10,000-mile stare. This gaze is called the “10,000-mile stare,” and it happens when someone is totally absorbed in the moment. His eyes are open, but he is completely present with the smell of the flower. That’s mindfulness: absorption in the present moment. No judgment, just presence.

Mindfulness is simply noticing what is, without judging it or making assumptions as to why it is this way or that. It’s allowing your mind to do what it is designed to do at the most basic level: Notice reality, just as it is. Mindfulness master-teacher John Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.”

Now, it’s worth pointing out that Kabat-Zinn is a highly educated and respected professional with a Ph.D. in molecular biology from MIT.

Mindfulness practice helps everything from stress, anxiety, and depression to motivation, frustration, and insomnia. A mindfulness-based approach gives you the ability to recognize your anxiety triggers and develop an intuitive method to relieve anxiety when it shows up.

Meditation is a powerful way to practice mindfulness because it focuses not on an outcome like “no thoughts, no mind,” but instead on simple awareness of what the mind is doing. This is also called Meta-Cognition, or Meta-Awareness. The idea of attaining “no mind” works well for some, but leaves others bewildered as to why they can’t ‘make’ their mind stop working. To be clear, we don’t say “mindlessness,” instead, we say “mindfulness” because we are increasing our awareness of the mind’s antics for a period so that we get accustomed to it.

Mindfulness Practice: So Simple, It’s Hard

Many people talk about practices like mindfulness and meditation (the two are not unrelated; in my approach, meditation is an exercise in mindfulness) as being quite frustrating in the beginning, like they just can’t get them “right.” This is the stumbling block for most of us. We think that mindfulness means that we are not distracted by anything and that we are 100% in the present, 100% of the time, with zero distractions. But that’s not true. Mindfulness is much easier than that. The practice of mindfulness can seem difficult because we are not used to things being as they are. We add judgment and assumptions — the distractions. However, these distractions can be used as leverage. If we use meditation practice to help us release attachments from being perfect, then we become mindful of what it feels like to be distracted. In other words, as soon as we realize that we are distracted by judgments, assumptions, etc., we simply breathe in and think, “Ah. This is what distraction feels like. Ok.” Then we move on, exhaling, grateful for the realization that there is no reason to judge judgment (but if we do, breathe in and notice what it feels like to judge judgment, then exhale).

Once you have formed the new habit of letting go of attachment to perfection, doing it “right,” etc., mindfulness does kick in as a second-nature skill. So, how do we cultivate it? Well, meditation is a good start.

Mindfulness Practices

There are countless ways to cultivate mindfulness, so it’s essential to find a practice that feels natural to you. Here are a few examples:

Mindful Eating

Mindful eating involves slowing down, eliminating distractions, and fully experiencing the act of eating. For instance, let’s consider a simple yet healthy snack such as raisins. Take one raisin and place it in your palm. Observe the texture, shape, and color. Is it shiny? Does it have a stem hole on the tip? Then, gently roll the raisin between your thumb and index finger, feeling the texture, grooves, and softness. Next, bring the raisin to your nose, inhale its aroma, and notice any associated feelings it may elicit. Afterward, place the raisin in your mouth, but don’t immediately chew it. Instead, explore its texture with your tongue, roll it between your cheek and gum, and savor the flavor. Finally, when you’re ready, bite down slowly and experience the explosion of flavor. Take your time to swallow, and feel how the raisin goes down your esophagus and into your stomach. This technique works well with any food and can help you eat slower, enjoy food more, and consume less because you’re not rushing or overeating.

Mindfulness with Nature

Take a walk or sit on your patio, and immerse yourself in nature. Use all your senses to notice what you see, hear, smell, and feel. Pay attention to your body’s sensations and how you’re feeling. Try holding each position until you feel a shift in the wind, a bird chirping, or when the sun peeks through. Allow mindfulness to guide your practice. Alternatively, sit and observe nature around you, feeling the waves, the breeze, and everything else.

Mindful Body Awareness

Mindful body awareness is often part of Progressive Relaxation. Begin by lying down with a pillow under your knees to relieve lower back pressure. Starting with your toes, scan your body for tension, relaxation, or any other sensations, and move up to your feet, ankles, calves, shins, and knees. Breathe in and flex your muscles if you feel tension, then exhale as you release them.

You can also use your pulse for body awareness. Begin by feeling your heartbeat in your chest or place your hand over your heart if you’re having difficulty finding it. Next, find your carotid pulse using your middle and ring fingers, located to the side of the windpipe, and try locating it with your mind only. Be patient, as the pulse gets harder to locate the farther away from your heart you get. There are several pulse points on the body, including the head, arms, thumbs, and index fingers. The hardest one to locate is usually in the big toe. If you feel frustrated, inhale gently, acknowledge your feelings, and return to your practice.

If you come across any unique mindfulness practices, please email them to me at jonathan@gatehealing.com, and I’ll add them to this list.

Mindfulness through Study

Reading authors like John Kabat-Zinn, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Tich Naht Hahn, Alan Watts, and Ram Dass can help cultivate mindfulness. Check out my book list for more ideas.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness Series

I’ve discussed the importance of mindfulness in almost every post on my blog, so I figure that doing a brief series on mindfulness would be helpful.

Visit the Mindfulness Archives to see all articles about Mindfulness.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Metacognition: Awareness of Awareness

How Mindfulness Practice Cultivates Metacognition

Metacognition is a valuable outcome of mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what is in your awareness without judging it as good or bad. For example, consider the mild pain associated with a splinter in your finger. Mindfulness of the mild pain would simply acknowledge the pain signal and suggest removing the splinter to relieve the pain. In contrast, suffering would involve negative self-talk and worry about potential infections.

Mindfulness is an example of being aware of what you are aware of, which is a form of metacognition. Practicing mindfulness can help you develop metacognition.

Cultivating Metacognition in Daily Life

1. Meditation

Regular meditation stimulates the pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for metacognition. The diaphragmatic breathing technique, which can be found in this meditation article, helps stimulate this part of the brain. A specific focus, such as focusing on the breath, helps to keep the mind focused on mindfulness and tame the “monkey mind.” Giving the mind the task of observing the breath helps it stay grounded and focused on the present moment. If the mind wanders off, bring it back to the breath.

2. Ask Yourself Good Questions

Throughout the day, ask yourself questions that encourage introspection and inner focus, such as:

  • How do I know I’m awake right now (vs being in a dream)?
  • Who am I showing up as right now? My best self? My outgoing self? My shy self? Etc.
  • Is what I am doing right now an example of my authentic self?
  • What is each part of my body feeling right now?
  • What emotions am I feeling right now?
  • Any other questions that move you towards an inner focus on your experience of this present moment?

Notice that these questions all emphasize the present moment. Mindfulness and metacognition happen in the present moment. Your answers may shift from moment to moment, and that is okay. Just observe the shift and consider how it feels. Writing down your thoughts can be a helpful tool for introspection.

3. Journal

Cathartic writing can be a powerful way to express your metacognition regarding your thoughts about your daily experiences, your inner life, and how you write your “life script.” Focus on the present moment when journaling. Stay with whatever catches your attention and move to the next moment’s experience. If you find yourself writing about experiences from earlier in the day or about things that may happen in the future, make sure to capture your thoughts and feelings in the present moment as you contemplate those non-here-and-now moments.

Remember that cultivating metacognition is a process of practice and patience. You will gradually notice progress.

Learn more about Minfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Anxiety By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

How to Help Teenage Anxiety

Teenage Anxiety: Listen, Validate, Teach

Like depression, teenage anxiety is a pretty common experience for adolescents. Whether it’s the jitters when it’s time to get in front of the class to present a report or the butterflies that show up when talking to someone they like, it’s a pretty universal experience. But for some teenagers, anxiety can be debilitating and actually lead to very real depression.

Anxiety is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously. It may be normal anxiety, but if it’s not, taking the time to listen to your teen will help a great deal. In either case, you’ll need to teach them self-soothing skills.

The rule of thumb when dealing with teenagers is to avoid lecturing them. Instead, listen to them and be curious about their experiences, even if you think they are being dramatic. Reflect back to them what you are hearing them express. Let them know that it’s ok to feel nervous even if it doesn’t feel so ok (that’s the validating piece).

Here are some suggestions to offer them:

  • Meditate, Breathe – Smooth, relaxed belly breathing. Inhale and let the belly fall out, inhale and pull the belly back in. This can help them calm down.
  • Use aromatherapy – Smells like lavender and vanilla are well-known to facilitate relaxation. It may or may not completely alleviate the anxiety, but it will help take the edge off.
  • Do something active –  Engaging in physical exercise not only gets healthy chemicals flowing that can offset anxiety, but it also distracts them from the cause of the anxiety.
  • Do something creative –  Being creative engages other parts of the brain and helps relieve anxiety through the distraction principle. Encourage your teen to create art, music, or anything that helps them feel better.
  • Journal –  Writing down their thoughts can help them externalize and lessen their burden.
  • Elevate legs –  Lying down and elevating their legs can help them calm down by keeping the blood at the core organs.

Remember to praise your teen’s efforts to manage their anxiety, and share with them what has worked for you. Even if they roll their eyes and say, “That’ll never work for me,” that’s normal teenage obstinance; you’ve planted the seed. By listening, validating, and teaching, you can help your teen manage their anxiety and lead a healthier, happier life.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Depression By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Help! Teenage Depression!

Understanding Your Teenager’s Emotional Struggles

Most parents understand teenage angst: the sometimes obnoxious independence and defiance, even seemingly random outbursts of anger and frustration over minor annoyances (which, well, are minor to the adult, but to a teen, often feel like a major issue).

If we look at “problematic” issues in teenagers as a pile of dirt, the first 6 feet of that pile are totally normal and nothing to worry about. If you aren’t sure, please get in touch with me. However, when that pile gets to 10 feet high, parents often think there are 10 feet of problems that aren’t normal and must be ‘fixed.’ But it’s not the whole 10 feet (and the teenager isn’t broken)! It’s only the dirt above that first normal 6 feet. That softens the blow a little as it’s less to be worried about. But let’s deal with that excess dirt–in this case, the top 4 feet of it (10 feet minus the normal 6 feet = 4 feet of excess).

Normal Depressive Episodes vs. Clinical Depression

I’m not going to go into painstaking detail about how to diagnose depression. But as I have already said, some degree of it is just a part of normal teen mood swings related to hormones, a developing brain, and increasingly complex thoughts, feelings, and social/academic pressures.

Basically, normal teenage sadness passes without major disruption of life. With more severe depression, you may see increasing isolation from both family and friends, appetite fluctuations (in either direction), dropping grades, loss of interest in things that were once enjoyable, and of course, the Big 3 of depression: sadness, irritability, and anxiety. In extreme cases, you may even notice self-injurious behaviors like cutting, and/or suicidal thoughts (or in very extreme cases, planning or attempts). If you are concerned about immediate danger to your child, call 9-1-1 immediately. In Central Texas, you can also call the MHMR Crisis Hotline at 512-472-HELP. You can also email me, or call me.

Again, most teenage depression is normal and will pass in a few days, or a week. If it persists for more than 2 weeks, please get in touch; it may still be normal, but it’s always a good idea to show them that you care about them and will respond to their pain, even if they think you’re overreacting.

How to Support Your Depressed Teenager

Listen Attentively

When your teenager seems ready and receptive to chat, try not to lecture them. Instead, look for a green, yellow, or red light to gauge their interest in the conversation. Green means they’re open to talking, yellow means it’s time to wrap up the conversation, and red means you’ve lost their attention and should wrap it up or give them an opportunity to speak. By listening attentively and patiently, you can create a comfortable environment for your teenager to open up to you.

Show Curiosity and Interest

When you get the green light, begin by asking your teenager to help you understand what they are going through. Instead of asking why they are feeling a certain way, try the One-down approach where you ask them to teach you about their experience. This approach sends a comforting message that you care and are paying attention. It may take some time, but your teenager will likely come back to you when they are ready to open up. By showing interest and concern instead of lecturing, you can plant seeds that encourage your teenager to share their feelings with you.

Validate Their Feelings and Link with Them

If your teenager does open up to you, it is important to validate their feelings and let them know that what they are going through is challenging. You don’t have to provide a guaranteed fix, but simply being there to listen and understand can be very helpful. If you have a personal story from your own teenage years that your teenager can relate to, share it briefly. This can help your teenager feel more understood and less alone. If they ask for advice, offer suggestions without being pushy. It’s important to ask if there is anything you can do to help, even if they don’t have an immediate answer.

Encourage and Model a Healthy Lifestyle

Encourage your teenager to be physically active by suggesting activities such as taking the dog for a walk or going on a nature hike together. Exercise is one of the best ways to combat depression. Additionally, it’s important to examine what kinds of foods your teenager is eating. Too many carbohydrates can contribute to depression, so encourage healthy eating habits.

Communicate with Teachers

Get in touch with your teenager’s teachers to see if they have noticed any changes in behavior or academic performance. If your teenager is doing well in school and has a good social life, their moodiness may simply be a result of exhaustion or teenage mood swings.

Be Mindful of Your Parenting Style

Your parenting style can significantly impact your teenager’s behavior. Catching your teenager being bad and punishing them is not an effective approach. Instead, try to focus on catching them being good and rewarding that behavior. Additionally, if you are going through marital problems or a divorce, be mindful of how this is impacting your teenager. Your behavior towards your spouse or ex-spouse can also affect your teenager’s behavior.

Identify and Address Stressors

Finally, take a look at your teenager’s life circumstances to identify any potential stressors. Recent breakups, fights with friends, or the loss of a loved one can all contribute to depression. Listen to your teenager when they discuss these issues and resist the urge to minimize their feelings. Help them identify ways to cope with their stressors and be there to support them.

Remember, there are many ways to support a depressed teenager, and this article only covers a few. By being patient, compassionate, and attentive, you can help your teenager navigate through their depression and build a stronger relationship with them.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Anxiety By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Romantic Anxiety: Fear of Relationships

Understanding Different Forms of Romantic Anxiety

When it comes to dating and romantic intimacy, there are various anxieties that people experience. Although these fears are related to each other, each form of romantic anxiety has distinct differences. Some of these fears include:

  1. Fear of Connection (Related to Social Anxiety)
    1. Associated fears: commitment, affection/intimacy, loss of independence, being loved/accepted, being overwhelmed
  2. Fear of Performance
    1. Associated fears: having to work too hard, failure, sexual performance, making a mistake in who you pick
  3. Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody
    1. Associated fears: being rejected or rejecting somebody
  4. Fear of the Unknown

Fear of Connection

The fear of connection is often related to social anxiety, and it involves various associated fears:

Fear of Commitment

For some people, the idea of making a commitment is overwhelming. They feel that committing to a relationship means taking on too much responsibility and giving up their independence. This particular fear is often rooted in other fears, as discussed in this article. Commitment can sometimes seem like committing to a lifetime of fear and uncertainty.

Fear of Affection/Intimacy

A fear of affection or intimacy goes beyond just being uncomfortable with public displays of affection or physical touch. It is an associated fear of connecting with others at a deeper level, and then having to cement that connection with a physical expression. People may also be unsure of how to show intimacy properly or be worried about being “too intense” or “clingy.”

Fear of Loss of Independence

The fear of losing one’s independence is a common fear in men. It often stems from a misunderstanding of expectations in a relationship. A good match for a person should strike a comfortable balance that allows for independent expression. Most people enjoy having some time away from their partners to cultivate their own hobbies and friendships, which can help them grow and develop as individuals.

Fear of Being Loved and Accepted

For some, being loved and accepted for who they are is so unfamiliar that the idea of dating is terrifying. This fear may be connected to childhood abuse, where “love” was expressed in inappropriate ways (e.g., sexual abuse, violent discipline). Avoiding a loving relationship seems to be a matter of survival for these individuals.

Fear of Being Overwhelmed

Some people experience the emotional rollercoaster of romance as completely overwhelming rather than exciting and fun. The emotions they experience can flood them, and what most people would call “excitement” feels more like anxiety to them.

Fear of Performance

Fear of Sexual Performance

One of the most common types of performance anxiety in romantic relationships is the fear of not performing well in the bedroom. Thanks to the internet, hardcore pornography is only a few clicks away, and it presents an unrealistic image of what sex looks like. However, even without porn, men and women worry about how well they perform sexually. In most cases, it is a passing concern that becomes less bothersome as a couple becomes familiar with each other’s likes and dislikes.

For some men, the idea of sexual performance is complicated by the need to maintain an erection and not being able to fake an orgasm. If there is an issue once or twice, then the very anxiety that caused performance issues in the first place begins to build, making it very circular. However, there is help available if you need it. You can contact us at jonathan@gatehealing.com.

Fear of Having to Work Too Hard

This fear is not about being lazy, but rather, it is related to the fear of actually succeeding in a relationship and being “obligated” to give up the single lifestyle, to do all the small and big things that make a relationship work. However, the fear is not based on reality; you do not have to be “on duty” 24/7. In fact, you should have your interests and a life of your own to enjoy. Fear of dating and romance is often fueled by the idea of having to be on duty all the time.

Fear of Making a Mistake in Who You Pick

We have all heard the saying that people tend to seek out partners who remind them of one of their parents. When this realization sinks in, people sometimes become fearful of actually picking somebody like their mother or father, particularly if there was a painful relationship with them growing up. However, parents are not the only source of this fear; having a series of relationships that end badly can also trigger this fear. You might think, “What if I choose somebody like that again? I don’t know if I could handle it.”
The fear of hurting somebody’s feelings by breaking up with them is also a very real contributor to avoiding dating due to picking the wrong person. We will deal with this in the next section, “Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody Else.”

Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody Else

Fear of Rejection

Nobody wants to be rejected, of course. But for some, the experience is so painful that they believe being alone is less painful than rejection. One of the most common reasons for this is that for some, rejection means that there is something wrong with them. They may think that they can’t date “correctly” or that repeated rejections are “proof” that they are unlikeable, unattractive, or unworthy of dating. However, help is available for this fear. Using a mindfulness-based approach, you can notice that rejection is more about the preferences of the other person than a commentary on you. It is a gradual process, quicker for some, and slower for others, but if you start today, you will be closer to the happy place where you can begin to enjoy dating. Contact us at jonathan@gatehealing.com for help.

Fear of Rejecting Somebody

While being rejected is difficult for many, the idea of hurting somebody else’s feelings is even worse. This is a common fear among people who have experienced heartbreak acutely and tend to be very empathetic, sometimes overly so. For kind-hearted individuals who have been devastated by heartbreak, the prospect of putting another person through that experience is terrifying. This fear is not only rooted in empathy but also in anticipatory guilt where they feel guilty about hurting somebody’s feelings before even starting to date. This fear is closely related to anticipatory anxiety.

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the unknown includes questions like:

  • Will this work or not?
  • Will he/she continue to be like they are now?
  • What if we fall out of love?
  • What if they don’t like me down the road?

Fear of the unknown is full of “What ifs” in life and prevents us from living in the present moment. When we dwell on past pain or ruminate on potential future heartbreak, we miss out on the only moment where life actually exists: Right NOW!

If you are tired of living in fear of dating, please get in touch. This fear can be dealt with, and you deserve to overcome it!

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Pain is a Feeling . . . Suffering is a Thought

The Difference between Pain and Suffering

When you stub your toe, you feel pain physically. Suffering, on the other hand, is the mental turmoil that arises when you judge the pain, the situation, or even yourself. For instance, when you blame a sidewalk for your clumsiness or call it stupid, you are only causing more suffering for yourself. The sidewalk is just being a sidewalk and is not trying to hurt you. When you become aware of the difference, you can practice mindfulness to help you remedy pain and discomfort, rather than making it worse by overthinking and causing yourself more suffering.

In Pain? Show Up Anyway!

During a martial arts class a few years ago, I resisted a fall and ended up breaking my tibia. The pain was excruciating, and I was suffering even more by getting tensed up. My teacher came over and reminded me that I had one injury in my leg and didn’t need to make it two by hurting my head with my negative thoughts. He stabilized my leg and took me to the ER. After getting my super-cool space boot, I decided not to attend the next class because I had broken my tibia. However, my teacher advised me not to skip class just because of an injury.

If you are tired of suffering from pain, contact us at jonathan@gatehealing.com. We can help you learn how to practice mindfulness and deal with your pain.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Extracting Rejection

Understanding Extracted Rejection

Extracted Rejection is a phenomenon where one perceives rejection after an event has taken place, even though the facts suggest otherwise. It is different from Anticipatory Rejection, which occurs before a situation even happens. Mindfulness-based counseling can help individuals learn not to take rejection personally and understand that it’s more about the other person’s preferences than their own worth.

To illustrate this point, let’s use a food analogy. Think of a food that you really dislike. Is there anything inherently wrong with the food, or is it simply a matter of personal taste? If there is something wrong with the food, then nobody would like it. Therefore, your dislike of a particular food is a reflection of your personal preferences, not the food itself.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.