Blog

Anticipatory Rejection: What It Is and How to Overcome It

Anticipatory rejection is a pattern of behavior where you reject yourself before others have the chance to accept or reject you. This self-defeating habit can prevent you from forming lasting connections with others. In contrast to extracting rejection, which happens after a situation has occurred, anticipatory rejection occurs before anything has even happened. In this article, we will explore how mindfulness-based counseling can help you break free from this pattern and connect with empowerment and confidence.

How Can Mindfulness-based Counseling Help?

Mindfulness-based counseling is based on seeing your reality at its most simple level, without the burden of judgments of good or bad. When applied to counseling, this practice can help you examine what is leading to self-defeating thoughts that result in anticipating rejection. By becoming clear about what your reality actually is, you can challenge and change the thoughts and beliefs that are causing you to suffer.

For example, imagine feeling nervous about a job interview but confidently starting the interview without assuming that you will perform horribly. With mindfulness-based counseling, you can learn to walk out of that interview feeling excited about the possibilities of a new job that you love, feeling exhilarated about having faced your fears and accepted the challenge. This helps you connect with empowerment and confidence, which are the antidotes to anticipatory rejection.

Why Does Anticipatory Rejection Happen?

The reasons for anticipatory rejection can vary and may not always be clear at first. However, understanding the causes can help you identify and challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that are leading to this pattern of behavior. Here are some common reasons for anticipatory rejection:

• Childhood experiences – As children, we learn how to see ourselves, and we learn what to expect when it comes to how others see us. If we experience repeated rejection, particularly from important adults like our parents, then we learn that we are not worthwhile and that we will be rejected. This belief can persist into adulthood and result in anticipatory rejection. However, it can be changed through counseling and therapy.
• Depression – Depression creates a very dark lens through which we see our lives. Depressive thoughts that are repeated become habituated thoughts, which can become beliefs and knowledge. Believing that people will reject us before we give them a chance to know us can create a situation where we pre-manufacture the rejection that we fear.
• Anxiety – Anticipatory anxiety is related to anticipatory rejection since it is a fear (anxiety) of something that has not happened, including a fear of rejection. Childhood experiences can also shape our expectations of how others will see us, and this can contribute to anticipatory anxiety.
• Self-perpetuating cycle – Once you find yourself in a cycle of expecting rejection and therefore creating it before it happens, the pain of this rejection simply fuels the next anticipation of being rejected. However, with help, this cycle can be broken through counseling and therapy.

Conclusion

Anticipatory rejection can be a self-defeating habit that prevents us from forming lasting connections with others. By using mindfulness-based counseling, we can learn to connect with empowerment and confidence and challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that are leading to anticipatory rejection. If you are struggling with anticipatory rejection or other forms of emotional distress, please do not hesitate to reach out to a qualified counselor or therapist for help.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

The mind is a complex process involving urges, thoughts, and drives that lead to behaviors that are either encouraged or discouraged though either pleasant experience or unpleasant experience. To understand how this vastly oversimplified explanation leads us to be who we are. Let’s look at some of the basic processes involved.

The mind: thoughts, behaviors, and consequences

Every unconscious thought (UT’s) has a set of possible conscious thoughts (CT’s) that may bubble up. It follows that every conscious thought has a set of possible behaviors (Bx’s) that you may engage in, some more likely than others depending on what the thought is. And of course, every behavior you choose to engage in has a set of circumstances/consequences (Cx’s) that may be created, some more likely than others depending on the behavior(s) you’ve chosen to engage. Understanding these basic dynamics helps you find flow.

When we become mindful of the choices we have, we are more likely to pick ones that are in line with what we really want. And what you want may change along with circumstances beyond your control (i.e. you may genuinely want to spend time with a special person, but a family member’s crisis may take precedence).

Naturally, there are things that seem to be able to throw us off of our course (like a family member getting sick). The ability to flow and improvise that allows you to navigate these sometimes challenging decisions of what to do, and when.

Recap: Unconscious thought/mind ==> Conscious thought/mind ==> Behavior ==> Conscious thought/mind . . . and the cycle continues

Those Cx’s are processed back into UT’s first, then to CT’s, and so on. If this cycle is unhealthy or not working, then we can leverage our CT’s to initiate changes in the Cx’s that help us to rewire our brain.

How to leverage this information

Generally speaking, there are ways to change at the CT, Bx, and Cx level while allowing the UT to re-wire the brain via the new experiences. The more you repeat them, the more the re-wiring extends into the depth of your brain (where the unconscious mind is).

Ask yourself if what you are thinking and/or doing is helping you approach contentment, or get farther from it; in many circumstances, you will know if you are pulling the wool over your own eyes (this would be the work of our old friend, the ego) and moving away from contentment but trying to convince yourself or others that you are actually content . . . you’ll know, and eventually, so will others.

Approach vs avoidance

It is easier for many of us to engage in ‘contentment approach’ behaviors when things are going well, but not so easy when things are difficult or painful. When we are in pain, we may be more of the personality type to effectively find thoughts/behaviors that return us to contentment, or of another personality type that becomes jaded, resentful, frightened, etc. in response to pain. When in the darker frame, it seems almost natural to do things that actually make things worse (like scream at the car that cut you off, then chase them and cut THEM off, wagging that middle finger as you pass by them). But what if shooting the one-fingered salute actually seems to feel better? Well, notice how it feels, then compare that to a time that involved joy and a light heart (ie, what really feels better, waving the salute or watching your son take his first steps?).

Here’s the thing: the more you do the darker style behaviors, the more likely they are to re-occur because the pattern extends and feeds back into your unconscious expectations/templates of how things are supposed to be–it becomes a habit; AND the more you do the lighter things (allow the person to cut you off, then maintain your integrity and composure, and thus your safety) the more habituated they become at the unconscious level too!! It takes about 3 weeks of mindful repetition for a new unconscious thought to begin to stick.

Ready to change?

If you have read this far, then you are probably really ready to make some changes and are looking for not only how to deal with relatively smaller things like traffic, but also with larger life-changing pursuits. No matter how complex or existential, etc. your goals may be, try to keep this process simple. Remember that by practicing being nice, for example, in smaller ways, you are exercising your brain structures in a way that improves that probability that you will behave nicely in more challenging circumstances; and the more likely you are to be nice, the more likely you are to remain calm; and the more likely you are to remain calm, the more chemically receptive your unconscious and conscious minds are to healthy decision-making, leading to more positive outcomes.

This is nothing new, nothing that hasn’t already been said in other posts in my blog, and by many, many other teachers over many thousands of years . . . the neuroscience may be new, but what those chemicals and neurons do is nothing new.

Get in touch and we can get started on what you are looking for.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

You’ve probably seen meditation in the news over the past few years. It is an empirically validated practice that changes your brain structure, chemistry, and function. And it’s not about an empty mind . . . it is actually a mindfulness practice.

It is possible to find moments of peace. And it is possible to train your brain to remain calm during stressful times. You can practice this calmness and mindfulness just as you would practice basketball, chess, music, etc. in order to improve.

Learning to practice mindfulness will benefit you personally, professionally, and spiritually. You will find that the ability to remain calm and present improves with practice. This happens because you are literally adding neurons (neurogenesis) to the part of the brain responsible for joy, focus, calmness, and serenity (the left medial prefrontal cortex; it’s just to the left of the middle of your forehead).

Your brain is a thought-secreting organ–secreting thoughts is just what it does. What some call “no mind” is a process where we become so accustomed to the noise of the mind that it seems to fade into the background to the point where they are no longer distracting. Think about when you’ve not realized the air conditioner was on until it shut off. You had become accustomed to the sound and therefore seemed to not hear it. But you did hear it, you just stopped attending to it.

It’s actually about just noticing reality and breathing; not stopping thoughts

First of all, I would like to clarify an often misunderstood idea of what meditation is about. Most people believe that meditation is meant to achieve total internal silence. This is not always the case. The real purpose of meditation is simple unattached mindfulness. In other words, as you meditate, there will invariably be distractions. The idea is to notice the distractions for what they are, embrace them for what they are, then release your attachment to having to control them by returning gently to your breath. The internal silence that we all hear about is a wonderful secondary benefit that comes with time, and most often in small flashes that gradually get longer and more frequent as you practice your meditation. Notice that I wrote ‘Practice Meditation.’

Meditation does not need to be complicated. As a matter of fact, the less complicated, the better for our purposes. It is an ancient exercise of focus, or complete lack thereof (depending on your perspective). You will find examples of meditation in any spiritual system in the world. . . from Christian prayer to Buddhist or Hindu chanting or contemplation, to Zen Koans, etc. However, it doesn’t need to be a spiritual endeavor; you can use meditation as a way to slow down, as a way to focus, a way to relax, a way to charge up, etc. The common thread followed by most meditation practices is YOUR BREATH.

Breathing correctly

Have good posture. Sitting either cross-legged (full lotus is not necessary) or lying down is fine (put a pillow under your knees to reduce lower back pressure). Please consult your doctor, yoga teacher, chiropractor, physical therapist, etc about proper posture for your particular body.

Begin by noticing any areas in your body that feel tense; take a breath and imagine each area relaxing, then move on. Next, notice your breath (remember posture and relaxed shoulders), allow your stomach to relax on the inhale (this causes the diaphragm to drop, opening up the lower lobes of your lungs), and feel yourself directing your breath deep down into your belly, then release slowly; gently pull the stomach back in enough to push the diaphragm up. You may count to 3 or 4, or whatever feels comfortable and natural–there are more specifics later). Many find that breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth is particularly helpful; however, this is not a requirement–do whichever is least distracting for now (eventually moving to ‘in through the nose and out through the mouth’).

Here’s the biology of why it works: When you use your diaphragm to breathe, you are breathing into deeper lobes of the lungs, and you are also engaging the diaphragm in such a way that it sends an electronic signal to the brain that “everything is A-OK”–this is called the Relaxation Response. Breathing from your chest, however, and engaging the shoulders, chest, and neck in breathing similarly sets off a chemical Stress Response. You’ll see animals in their most relaxed states (like sleeping) breathing from their stomachs, and when threatened, from their chests (often to ‘puff up’ and look more imposing–it’s really in the biology folks–the brain associates chest breathing with defense and stress, and diaphragmatic breath with relaxation and contentment; it’s just hard-wired in there behind the stuff we’ve learned on top of it).

A little more help with breathing correctly

Watch somebody when they are sleeping (don’t be creepy). You’ll notice that they are breathing from their stomach area, not their chest area. This is the natural way to breathe. Babies and animals do it naturally.

Our bodies are in a very restorative state when we are sleeping . . . it is not a coincidence that our breathing is at its most natural when we are sleeping and restoring ourselves emotionally and physically. If you can learn proper breathing while you are awake (diaphragmatic or ‘belly’ breathing), you’ll find that there are all sorts of benefits ranging from being more relaxed to improved health.

There are many places you can go to learn this breathing practice: yoga classes, Tai Chi & Chi Gong classes, most martial arts schools, meditation centers, personal trainers, singing lessons, etc. I suggest meditation because it combines calming presence with breath (which actually drives the calm state).

So, breathe during the day the way you do when sleeping–smooth, rhythmic, and deep in your belly (I’m not saying ‘deep’ like when you take a deep breath and take in lots of air–rather I’m talking about breathing from your abdominal area). Diaphragmatic breathing causes your diaphragm to drop, which opens up the lower lobes of your lungs and allows for more oxygen intake. . . the smooth rhythmic motion of the diaphragm causes a signal to be sent to your brain that triggers the relaxation response, taking your brain waves from stressful theta waves to soothing alpha waves.

Some find it helpful to picture bellows pointing upwards where your belly expands where the hands pull the bellows apart, then contracts to ‘exhale’ the air through the nozzle (in this case, you inhale through your nose [Entrance for air in this image], and exhale through your mouth [The nozzle in this image]).

Single-pointed meditation (breath)

First, sit in a comfortable and stable position (sitting in a chair with good posture is fine, or if being on the floor is more comfortable, sit cross-legged, with proper posture). Next, pick a single focus (correct breathing[see above] is the best place to start) and continue to bring your focus fully on that single point (breath in this case). As you notice your mind beginning to wander off into grocery lists, your job, your nose itching, etc., simply notice that it is wandering, and then gently bring your focus back to your breath (and yes, you may scratch your nose – allowing the itch to continue can also be an interesting meditation). The key is to not beat yourself up if you get distracted–just return to your breath. That simple. Try this for just 1 minute and notice that it is easier said than done to stay completely focused without any distractions. This is normal. Remember, the point is not to stress yourself out by trying to get the ‘perfect’ meditation . . . rather, it is simply to retrain yourself to calmly refocus when you notice that you are distracted. The distractions’ effect will naturally decrease with continued practice.

Active meditation

This is basically an exercise in mindfulness of whatever task you are engaged in. One method is to verbalize (internally if in public, unless you don’t mind people staring) each piece of action you are doing. Other methods simply involve allowing things to occur without interference–the meditation being non-attachment to distractions (such as sweating, hearing cars pass by, etc). You can also bring active meditation into your life by truly focusing on your work, making a purposeful effort to do your best, or actively choosing to have a good day, even if it did not start well.

In other words, when gardening, notice gardening; when working, notice working, etc. Breathing correctly is always helpful (when breathing, notice breathing). A few examples of Active meditation:

Walking meditation

As you walk, say each piece of walking as you do it–as you lift your foot, say “lifting, lifting,” then as you set your foot forward, say, “setting, setting,” and so forth. As you get more practice, you will be able to maintain mindfulness of both feet and even the swing of your arms–in increasing detail. Timing your breath with your pace brings out the full potential of a Walking meditation.

Sweating meditation

(Please check with your doctor before exerting yourself or sweating more than you usually do). This is as simple as taking a warm bath and allowing yourself to sweat without wiping it off. Sounds simple, huh? It is until you notice that those droplets of sweat itch and tickle as they trickle down your face, neck, back, etc. Allow the sweating and trickling to happen while you breathe correctly (see above). Become mindful of the feeling of your sweat pores opening up (usually noticed on your head first), then notice each drop that catches your attention. Resist the urge to wipe it off–allow the tickle to happen. With practice, you will be able to follow a droplet as it picks up more sweat as it travels towards the water, perhaps even noticing as it merges with the water. Being mindful of multiple droplets is fine as long as it is done with intention. This meditation will help you learn to sit with discomfort rather than getting attached to the annoyance.

Make sure to rehydrate. Again, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR FIRST!

Exercising meditation

Just like it sounds. When you are jogging, notice your jogging (and breath, of course). You may also choose to focus on the scenery–see all of the colors, and notice the smells and sounds. If you are lifting weights (be careful and talk to your doctor first), focus on proper form and breath. You may also focus on each muscle group being worked on (you must still focus on proper form and health).

***Remember, you can always practice proper breathing, and it will always have a beneficial effect, even if only subtly.
You can also always practice proper posture.***

A little more about the idea of getting distracted so easily in the beginning: Many, many people tell themselves that they just cannot seem to meditate . . . that when they begin, they just have so much ‘noise’ that comes to the front of their minds. OK! THAT IS GOOD!! In order to get all of that ‘noise’ out, it has to pass through the doorway of our AWARENESS–in the beginning, this ‘passing through’ is experienced as a distraction. What is actually happening is that by breathing slowly and correctly (see above), you are relaxing into the present moment, which makes it easier for all of your daily ‘background noise’ to come to the forefront. This will pass. It is a process for your brain to rewire itself to calm focus (literally–your brain has ‘neuroplasticity,’ which simply means it can physically rewire itself–throughout your life). With continued practice, moving from 1 minute to 3 minutes, to 5 minutes, and so on, you will find that the ‘noise’ gets quieter and that you are much less bothered by the occasional (or frequent) distractions.

In all forms of meditation that I will discuss here, an even tempo of breathing is essential. It may become shallow with practice, but in the beginning, I stress a slow, comfortable inhale and exhale. Best to master the power of the breath before moving to other areas.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Brain science (neuroscience) involves the physical structure of the brain, its biochemistry, and experiences that help shape it. A brain repeatedly subjected to trauma (physical or emotional/chemical) is more likely to suffer some difficulty. Some, but not all, of the major players of brain function are:

Brain chemistry

Neurotransmitters

Neurotransmitters are chemicals in the brain that transmit information from one neuron to another across a gap called a “synapse.” Common neurotransmitters are serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and glutamate. Well over 100 have been identified, and all of them play various roles in our daily lives. Many anti-depressant medications act on neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.

Serotonin

Directly associated with feelings of happiness and well-being, serotonin is probably the most well-known neurotransmitter. It is found in the gastrointestinal tract, blood platelets, and the central nervous system. SSRI medications are Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors, which means it helps more serotonin stay in the systems where it is found.

Dopamine

Produced in the brain and kidneys, dopamine is involved in reward-motivated behavior. Some illicit drugs are craved because of their pleasurable effect resulting from the production of dopamine (pleasure’s purpose is to reward us, which encourages the behavior that stimulated its production). This is often thought to be the reason illicit drugs are called “dope.” Because of the artificial stimulation of dopamine, we trick our brains into thinking that we should have more of that behavior (use of the drug).

Norepinephrine

Often called noradrenaline, norepinephrine mobilizes the body for action. In the brain, it is involved in arousal and alertness, promotes vigilance, helps in the formation and retrieval of memories, and focuses attention. It is also directly related to increased alertness in the form of anxiety and restlessness (consider these impacts in relation to mobilizing the body for action).

Glutamate

Oddly, glutamate is one of the least known neurotransmitters but is by far the most abundant neurotransmitter, interacting with around 90% of the synapses in the brain. It is used in all excitatory information-transmitting pathways in vertebrates. It has a powerful role in the plasticity of the brain, or the brain’s ability to rewire itself, and is therefore strongly associated with learning and cognition.

Neuropeptides

These are little strings of proteins that the neurons in your brain use to communicate with each other. They are influenced by genetics and your experience of life. For example, repeated emotionally painful experiences cause the production of neuropeptides associated with emotional pain; therefore, interpreting life with pain-prone neuropeptides could be challenging, whereas seeing life with resilient neuropeptides could help.

As you collect more experiences, these neuropeptides continue to form and flood the brain with their ‘flavor’ (ie painful, negative, cheerful, optimistic, etc) and this can shape your experience of life. When we spend years amassing healthy neuropeptides, our brain is set to recreate the conditions that led to the production of those same neuropeptides . . . more healthy behaviors and thoughts. The challenge can be the reverse: when we amass ‘unhealthy’ neuropeptides, our brain seems to repeat behaviors that lead to the negative experience, and the resulting neuropeptide; this is one contributing factor to things like the abused becoming an abuser, a victim perpetuating victimhood, and the successful recreating success. It seems that the brain seeks to match the external world with the internal expectation set by neuropeptides.

Neuropeptides also have profound impacts on the biological functioning of the body and mind including:

• Food intake
• Pain relief
• Sexual behaviors
• Metabolism
• Socialization
• Learning & memory

Neuromodulators

A neuromodulator is released by neurons in the central or peripheral nervous system to regulate other neurons. They have a wide variety of functions, but in general, can be seen to increase or decrease the action of neurotransmitters. They also modulate the action of neurotransmitters by altering the amount synthesized.

Neurohormones

Like the other brain chemicals, neurohormones impact how our brain and body work together. Neurohormones, however, are released into the bloodstream. The “orgasm” chemical oxycontin is an example of a neurohypophysial hormone. As a medication, it is used to help stimulate childbirth.

Brain Structures

We know that different areas of the brain control different parts of your body, and different parts of your personality, etc. Many of these structures can take over functioning if another part of the brain is damaged. Current research is revealing the neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to rewire, and even generate new neurons [neurogenesis]) of the brain is an incredible adaptation that allows us to evolve.

There are 2 hemispheres of the brain: left and right. Just as the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body, and the right hemisphere controls the left side (bilateral communication), each hemisphere is also responsible for different thought processes and modes of functioning.

Right Hemisphere

Controls the motor function of the left side of the body. Creativity; visual-spatial skills. People with depression and a right-dominant brain tend to be a bit more pessimistic about their treatment, so a counselor or therapist should know how to deal with this.

Left Hemisphere

Controls motor function in the right side of the body. The logical interpretation of information; math; abstract reasoning. People with depression that are left-brain-dominant tend to be more optimistic and motivated to deal with depression and overcome it; clearly, therapists and counselors should know how to take advantage of this momentum.

Corpus Collusom

The 2 hemispheres are able to coordinate using the corpus callosum, a tissue that alternates between the hemispheres, carrying complex details about brain function from one hemisphere to the other.

Basal Ganglia

The basal ganglia is involved in motor control, learning and emotion. Conditions related to the basal ganglia are Parkinson’s disease, Huntington’s disease, ADHD, Obsessional-Compulsive disorder, among others.

Amygdala

The Amygdala plays a significant role in the processing and memory of emotional reactions, including the startle reflex. A section of the amygdala is considered to be a part of the basal ganglia (see above). Emotional Memory is partially influenced by this survival structure of the brain. Conditions related to the amygdala include Borderline Personality, Bipolar depression, Social Phobia, and possibly Schizophrenia.

Generally speaking, if somebody is raised in a dangerous or otherwise stressful environment, the amygdala may become perpetually overstimulated, and learn to remain in this heightened state, leading to the relative anxiety one would see in the above conditions. It is as if somebody with a hyperactive amygdala is always on their guard–ready for something to go wrong; tie this in with the effects of neuropeptides, and you can see how quickly we can feel ‘stuck’ in frustrating situations.

Hippocampus

The hippocampus is involved in long-term memory, spatial navigation, episodic memory, and several other very important daily living functions.

It is understood to be one of the first parts of the brain to malfunction in Alzheimer’s disease. Damage to this region of the brain is also connected with difficulties in long-term memory formation, and even episodic short-term memory formation.

Hypothalamus

The hypothalamus, like so many other parts of the brain, is involved in a variety of functions, ranging from connecting the nervous system to the endocrine system (the system that uses hormones to regulate mood, metabolism, etc) by way of the pituitary gland.The hypothalamus controls body temperature, fatigue, circadian cycles (sleep patterns), and is also involved in survival urges like hunger and thirst.

Anterior Cingulate Gyrus (ACG)

Sometimes called the “gear shifter of the brain.” It is part of the executive function network in the brain.

The ACG helps control cooperation, mental flexibility, and attention. It also helps the brain transition between arousal and mental activities (thus, the “gear shifter”).

Trauma to the brain

When part of the brain is injured through concussion (as in football or boxing) or through chemicals (like drinking and drugs), the change that occurs depends on the part of the brain that is impacted. Massive personality changes have been well-documented for many years.

Nutrition and hydration

What you feed yourself is what you are feeding your brain. The better the food, the better the brain power. Since electricity is transmitted by water in the brain, the more hydrated you are, the better your brain will be able to send these electric impulses around efficiently.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

First, we should differentiate between plain old defensiveness and anticipatory defensiveness. They share a certain vibe of irritability and protectiveness, but they are certainly different, and seem to come from different places: One defending what is, the other defending what we think will be, but isn’t yet here (except in our minds where we’ve already decided what’s going to happen).

Plain old defensiveness

When we become irritated or annoyed at something someone has said to us, and often about us or what we are doing, we are engaging in defensiveness. We are defending an idea of who we are, what we are, and what we are doing and why we are doing it. We become defensive when we are attached to our view of ourselves as being a certain way; attached to a view of what we are doing as good or bad, kind or cruel, etc. When our beliefs about ourselves, our behaviors, and our intentions are threatened, we defend them. That’s the essence of basic defensiveness.

An example of this would be if you worked hard on a project at work, following your boss’ instructions to the letter, only to be criticized by your boss. Rather than graciously accepting the feedback and going back to get things dialed in better, you snap back at them, “I only did exactly what you said! Perhaps you should have been more clear. That is your job, isn’t it? To be clear with your expectations?!”

In many companies, this would at least get you passed over for a promotion or raise, and in some situations, especially if this defensiveness is a pattern, would get you fired.

Anticipatory defensiveness

As the name implies, anticipatory defensiveness is when we anticipate a judgment of self, behavior or intention that threatens the perspective we are attached to. My mother called it “Borrowing Trouble.” It’s a remarkably accurate term. When we engage in defending against something that has not even happened, we are “borrowing trouble” from the future and planting it squarely in the now as if it is 100% real. It’s an assumption, an illusion, even a lie. Remember ANTs? Automatic Negative Thoughts. Borrowing trouble leading to anticipatory defensiveness is a complex version of an ANT. More like a phantom ANT. And we pour poison all over our beautiful lawn even if we’ve seen no ants. And that poison gets right into us . . . our minds become toxic from this poison. Sure, if there are any ants in the lawn, they may die, but using this method, we die a little at a time on the inside, too. Engaging ANTs in a healthy debate is a far healthier, and more effective, method for dealing with ANTs like borrowing trouble and anticipatory defensiveness.

Let’s think of an example of engaging in anticipatory defensiveness. Imagine that you have worked very hard on a project at work, and you are rather proud of the result. You feel that you’ve done a great job and feel that you are justified in expecting some praise from your boss. So far, so good. Unless you’re lying to yourself since you actually half-assed the project out of laziness yet still expect accolades. But self-deception is another post.

So you come into work a few days after giving your boss your shiny new project, and you see him or her walking down the hall with your project folder in hand, and with a scowl on their face. “Uh-oh,” you think to yourself, “Looks like (s)he found something wrong with my project . . . again.” This thought, this assumption linking their scowl to your project, is the beginning of the anticipation that leads to the toxic defensiveness. You’re beginning to pour the poison all over your entire lawn.

“They gave me lots of freedoms,” you tell yourself, “latitude to be creative, to make things interesting! That’s what I did!! I made it INTERESTING, boss! If you didn’t like interesting, then why did you give me the latitude and the instruction to be interesting?? I just did what you wanted me to do! And now you have the audacity to criticize my project?? Screw you, you old fart!”

Now, remember, your boss hasn’t even spoken to you yet! But you are already having an argument with somebody who is not even present! They are just walking towards you with that puckered face that looks like disapproval. And because you’ve doused yourself in poison, now YOU are all pucker-faced. You can probably see how this may not go so well for you . . .

So as your boss approaches, they ask you to join them in their office to talk about your project. “Gross, they’re chomping on some candy. I hate it when people talk with candy stuffed in their face.” This little detail will come back later.

Now you are sitting across from your pucker-faced boss, with your own pucker-face, ready to strike out at their criticism of your interesting project. . . the one THEY told you to make interesting. “Assclown,” you think to yourself.

Your boss asks how you are doing, and commenting that you seem a bit stressed out, not like your usual self. Now comes the anticipatory defensiveness: You explain to them that you put a lot of work into that project and are not happy that they seem to disapprove of it. Your tone and facial expression, and body language reveal your agitation at your boss. Surprised, your boss spits out their candy and asks you why you think they disapprove of it? “It’s a great product! You knocked it out of the park! I just presented it to the board and they actually want to fund it! Congratulations!” “ But why did you think I didn’t like it?” Their face no longer puckered up.

“Well, uh . . .” you’re stammering a bit because you’ve realized that you were fighting a battle that you created in your own head. But that scowl—that pucker-faced scowl. What was that all about then? Now, this is a good question to ask yourself—and there is a myriad of possible reasons. Perhaps they just got off the phone with their teenager’s school and found out their little rebel skipped school today. Maybe the board fussed at them about THEIR project that missed the mark. Who knows. Your boss knows, so they are probably a good place to get the truth.

“You looked upset when you asked me to come talk about the project . . . I – I just assumed you didn’t like it. I’m very sorry.” At this point, your boss leans back laughing a bit, and accepts your apology, “Don’t worry about it—happens to the best of us. You put a lot of work into something, and think the worst is going to happen.” But why were you so upset?? Your boss holds up that trash can where the candy went and simply says, “Sour patch candy. I love em, but my face hates em.” You both have a good laugh, and you’ve learned an important lesson about borrowing trouble leading to anticipatory defensiveness.

So what to do about it?

First, let’s understand that everybody gets defensive from time to time, and everybody experiences anticipatory defensiveness from time to time as well. This is no cause for alarm. If it’s not a pattern, most people will easily let it go, often not even saying anything as they likely can tell you are just having a bad day or had a stressful situation come up.

If, however, defensiveness and/or anticipatory defensiveness more of a regular thing for you, then you will need to get on top of it so you can live a more pleasant life, and so those around you can begin to see that you aren’t always looking for a fight.

Mindfulness practice is always the best place to start, in my opinion. When you self-reflect and consciously/mindfully realize what is happening, you can then make a decision to change; however, if this is sitting in your blind-spot (ie it is unconscious, so you don’t know it’s happening), then you won’t know that there is anything to change . . . well, other than your boss etc. because “they are the one with the problem after all.” When you see it, you can change it.

After you see what is happening, you will likely still feel agitated and defensive, but now you are mindfully aware of it and begin intervening with yourself. Now take 3+ smooth, rhythmic belly-breaths, a little deeper than normal breathing, but not full lung expansion (unless that just feels good). You may be able to stop off at the bathroom before heading to your boss’ office. Washing your face and hands helps more than you may think. Now engage the 4-questions that help unravel the ANTs:

1. Is it true? “Yes,” you defiantly say to yourself.
2. Am I 100% certain it’s true? “Well, no, not 100%” And here the ANT begins to unravel.
3. How do I feel when I blindly believe this ANT? “DEFENSIVE! Angry. etc.”
4. How might I feel differently if I believed something other than the ANT? “Well, if my boss actually likes it, I’d feel better, relieved, proud, happy.”

And now that ‘turnaround statement,’ a statement that explains a more likely reason for that puckered face on our boss (or whomever we are talking about). Typically, this statement is much simpler than the elaborate story you had going with that ANT. “I guess he could’ve been fussed at by the board—he did just leave that meeting.” You’ll notice that this is not the sour patch candy . . . but it is a MORE plausible reason for the pucker face—few people would think, “Candy. They’ve got sour candy in their mouth.” But if you do think of that one, more power to you!

By this point, you are beginning to calm down a little, but are still feeling on-edge. This is ok because you’re in better control now and can think to calmly ask your boss what they thought of the project, giving them a chance to actually tell you the truth. You may even ask if they are ok—that they look a little upset. This depends on your boss’ style and relationship with you; sometimes this kind of inquiry is frowned upon. Your safest bet is to just see what they actually think. If you’re going to put the energy into being bothered, you may at least want to be sure that that energy drain is directed at something real. . . and even if it is, you may want to work on smoothing out the rough edges.

And what if I already flew off the handle?

We’ve all engaged in anticipatory defensiveness at one time or another, so don’t beat yourself up–that actually feeds the same negative processes that led to it in the first place. If it’s just a once-in-a-while thing, then quite often, you don’t have to do anything as people tend to understand that we all have off days. If you want to apologize, you certainly can, but you don’t have to overdo it or beat yourself up; and certainly, don’t volunteer for a demotion or pay cut!! If your blow-up was big enough for your boss, or friend, family member, etc. to want to sit down and talk with you, remain mindful of AD popping up even in that discussion. . . you may want to consider avoiding caffeine. If you have the chance to speak first, you can be proactive with the apology and explain what you know went wrong, and how you are working on it diligently. When they are speaking, remain calm and understanding; remember, they care about you and your success and are just trying to help. Even a hard-nosed boss who is a bit intense usually wants to help you succeed because that helps them look good to their bosses. Ask good questions (like about what they see as your triggers), you may even request a follow-up meeting to check in on your progress (this one is mainly for work situations, but friends and family will usually be willing to do this as well). By showing them that you take this seriously and that you are mindful of how it looks, and the consequences on morale (or the vibe at home or with friends), you are sending a message that this is not just lip service. The main word of caution is to not be overly sappy, overly apologetic, and certainly not sarcastic.

If, however, anticipatory defensiveness (AD) has been a pattern that you really need to break, and you’ve addressed it before (let’s say with your boss, who may have called you out for it already), you’ll want to remind yourself of the tools in the previous section. When AD has become a habituated pattern, it feels even more automatic (which is why the ANT intervention works so well), and therefore more difficult to break. Consider writing down your triggers, perhaps ask your boss (friends, etc) when they have noticed you engaging in AD. Use your mindfulness practice to become more aware of these triggers as they happen, and even rehearse how to respond. Typically having some kind of internal statement like, “remember, get the facts,” or “Hey! No ANTs!” can help since it’s portable. Rehearsing it during minor situations will help you be able to access it when it really counts. You may even let people you trust know that you could use their help by saying your message, or a buzzword if they see you moving in the direction of AD. Because this may be sitting in your blind-spot, having somebody say “ANT” to you when they see you tensing up may help you catch it before you become agitated. Many people find visual reminders helpful, like a picture of an ant, an ant mound, or even an aardvark (ant-eater). Even the image at the top of this post will work if it reminds you to stay in control.  I suggest moving it around (your computer monitor, for example) since when it’s left in place you may begin to tune it out. Different colors of Post-it notes work well for written reminders (or drawn reminders).

If it doesn’t work the first few times, it’s ok, it takes practice. Remember to have some compassion for yourself. If you want some extra help, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Balancing the anger and sadness of an unfair loss can feel impossible, especially in the beginning. First, breathe and understand that this will pass even though it does not feel like it. Before going any further, if you are unsure, please get in touch so we can spend a few minutes on the phone to help get you back on track.

While it feels like no loss is ever “fair,” I think we can all agree that when a 99-year-old dies of natural causes it doesn’t feel quite as unfair as when a 22-year-old dies in a car accident at a known dangerous intersection where nothing has been done. Those of us that live in South Austin are all too aware of the most recent death at Manchaca and Slaughter Lane.

This kind of heartbreak is tough to manage, especially when we have energy-spiking emotions (anger) AND energy-depleting emotions happening at the same time. And they do not just cancel each other out. They create this exhausting hybrid grief

Simple and Complex grief

Complex grief as a ‘disorder’

I’d like to deal with complex grief (sometimes referred to as complicated grief) first. Typically, this kind of grief is referred to when somebody is experiencing grief that is prolonged in duration, and acute in distress level. This can be a result of a variety of things, but the key factor is that it seems to be well beyond what would be expected given the circumstances. Typically, we say that there is no set length of time that grief should take, which is why I tend to stay away from diagnostics when it comes to grief, however, it can be useful to some people to know that it is something real and that it has a name. But this article is not about diagnosing complex grief disorder.

Complex grief as an experience (vs as a ‘disorder’)

Generally speaking, complex grief as an experience would include traumatic death, unfair death (the car accident above), relationship loss (because the other person is still out there in the world), grief that happens during acutely stressful times, etc. What makes it feel so complicated is that what would usually work to help us get through it does not seem to do the trick. It seems to persist in spite of our healthy efforts. This is extremely unsettling, and we even begin to question if we are “losing it.” Rest assured, we’re not losing our minds, we are not weak, and we are not going to stay stuck in this place.

Continue doing the things that you would usually do to cope; but consider adding counseling, stepping up your exercise routine, social time, and massages. Give yourself permission to be in this place, because the more you deny it and fight it, the longer it will persist. So give it a voice, but limit the time spent in this place. If you can make time to journal, draw, cry, talk about it, etc., then when you have those invasive images and feelings, you can tell yourself that in 30 minutes, you’ll be able to dig into it a bit — this works better than some people expect it to because they know they are not running from it. At your planned time, spend 15 or 20 minutes (or longer, just not to where you begin to get into the pity-pot) allowing yourself to just feel and express the grief. When that time is up, gather yourself, wash your face, even change clothes, then get back to normalcy and live your life. You’ll likely find that the need for those planned times gradually decreases. But if you are not sure if you’re getting through it, please come in so we can work together to help you return to living your life.

Simple grief

Simple grief is basically the grief that makes sense (the 99-year-old grandma that passes away from natural causes). It is not a pleasant experience, but there are warm memories that feel bittersweet in the beginning, then over time, become sweet and make us smile.

Most people have seen Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Most counselors and therapists, however, agree that there is not set order, and not even just 5 stages; I have seen as many as 20 stages (below) that bounce around, but typically start with Shock and denial, and end with Acceptance and a return to normalcy.

Anticipatory grief

Sometimes, we know that somebody is going to die from a terminal illness, or we know that a relationship is on its way out. In these cases, we have an opportunity to begin the grieving process before we lose the loved one. We can take this time to wrap up loose ends, ask questions, say things that we really need to say, and allow the other person the chance to do the same. Anticipatory grief can apply to both simple and complex grief. In the latter, it can soften the blow a bit (knowing that a breakup is coming, and handling maturely is one example). It may still be complex, but the time leading up to it can be leveraged to help us prepare, and even say good-bye lovingly and without unnecessary drama. It does NOT mean that there will be no pain though. Remember, the degree to which you care about somebody defines the degree of pain you may experience at their death.

Learn more about Counseling for Trauma and PTSD in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Compassion is often called the highest form of love. Pick any noble spiritual tradition and you’ll see compassion as a direct expression of love. Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and so forth all teach compassion for all things and beings. It’s a beautiful teaching to practice.

But somewhere along the way, we got our wires crossed with compassion and pity. Pity is when you feel sorry for somebody. Even the grammar of “feeling sorry for” somebody highlights this. When you tell somebody that you are feeling sorry “for them,” the implication is that they cannot feel their own sorrow, so you’ll do it “for them” In so doing, you are depriving them of the confidence that you have in them to bounce back from their struggles. True compassion is where you can relate to what they are feeling, and have faith in their ability to recover; and yes, that can include with your support and guidance. But not with your pity. If you fill them with your pity, that implies their being pitiful.

Are we just splitting hairs here?

It’s a great question, and I suppose to a degree we are because we all know what we “mean to say,” and we tend to think that this should be enough. But remember, the inner dialogue that is constantly running in our minds is a large part of what programs how we see ourselves and how we view the world around us. When, over a lifetime, we get inundated with repeated messages of well-intended pity (feeling sorry for us), we begin to cooperate with this message and see ourselves as being pitied . . . leading to feeling pitiful. We are NOT pitiful beings! But the egoic mind is quick to scoop this message up and lull us into a depressive illusion. And remember, depression is a sick little magnifying glass that magnifies the worst and minimizes the best.

Now imagine how you might feel if that sick little magnifying glass gets a hold of a message like “I feel sorry for you.” Exactly.

Give the suffering the gift of support and confidence

Rather than expressing pity for somebody’s suffering, let them know that you feel bad about their suffering and that you have confidence that they can get through it . . . that their opening up to you about the suffering is already a step towards recovering. We need to put most of our energy into finding things that they are doing in a healthy direction rather than focusing on what sucks in their life. Recall that the mind does not work very well in the “negative” (I mean grammatical ‘negative’, not ‘good vs bad’ negative).

For example, if I say, “DON’T think about a purple elephant,” a purple elephant pops into your mind’s eye; in other words, your brain had a very difficult time, if not impossible time, following the direction to NOT picture that plaid elephant (see? Now it’s plaid!). Try forcing your brain to not invoke an image of what you say NOT to do. However, when I say, “DO think about a green cat,” there’s the green cat in your mind’s eye! The instruction TOWARD something is far more efficient than an instruction of avoidance of something.

So when you plant the seeds of support, confidence, and faith in their abilities, and point out evidence of them reaching out as a positive move, the brain has an easier time moving in that direction. This is where we get the saying that, “it’s tough to run full-speed ahead when you’re facing backward.” You go towards what you’re looking at. So help them see what they are made of!

So how do I get out of self-pity?

As with so many other thought patterns, mindfulness practice is a critical element of getting out of the pity-pot. Once you see the pattern of depriving yourself of having faith in yourself and therefore are increasing the likelihood of making decisions that increase suffering, you can begin to do something about it. At first, it’s enough to simply notice when it is happening . . . you may still suffer, and you may still sit on the pity-pot, but the more you see it happening, the more likely you are to begin to challenge the Emotional Confirmation Bias (pay particular attention to the Automatic Negative Thoughts section of that post).

Be as patient as you can with this. It can be a maddening process because we all want the suffering to go away yesterday. Whatever you are going through will pass. My dad has told me a million times when I’ve turned to him for support that, “It’ll all work out.” For a long time, I did not know what this meant because I was too caught up in my own pity-pot, but the seed that this message planted is the very foundation of my own mindfulness practice and my own freedom from unnecessary suffering. You are not in this alone, we are ALL working through our own pity-pots. When we leverage the discomfort that the pity-pots create, we are able to use that pain to motivate us to dig into our own forward progress.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.