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Couples and Marriage Counseling Work-Life Balance By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

The “Time Trap”

Time time time, they say it’s everything. It can be the trap, and it can be the key to getting you out of the trap.

You come home from a long day at work, and immediately you are showered with questions, “When’s dinner?” “When are we going to plan that holiday?” “Can you help me with my homework?”

All you can think is, “If I only had 15 minutes to slow down and settle in. . .” And there it is, the time trap. It’s that time that most of us need to transition into home life, but we avoid it because that’s just how it’s supposed to go. Right?

No. That’s not right at all. To avoid the time trap all you need is mindfulness and effective communication skills. Once you realize that there is no rule that says you’re not allowed to settle in before having demands thrust upon you, you can avoid this time trap by setting some boundaries.

Give your spouse and family the gift of your downtime

Now how is it that you being able to have a little free time after work a gift for them? Think about it: When you’re already burned out from work, just how effective can you be helping your kids with homework? How often does that seemingly simple task turn into an outright fight about the condition of their desk? When you take care of yourself and recharge, there is more of you to go around. Unless the house is burning down, most of those needs can probably wait for you to power-up.

Great. So how do I set that boundary nicely?

I cannot tell you how many times I get asked this: “If I’m already stressed out from work and rush hour traffic, how do I nicely ask for that buffer time?” You leave out the stressed out part. You can imagine the perplexed looks that present themselves at this point in a session.

If you’ll just wait for better timing, it’ll go better. Look for a more relaxed time, and explain the need for a recharge period of 10, 15, 20, etc. minutes. Let them know how it will benefit them. Then create a little backup plan for when they forget: A reminder buzz-word or phrase: “Need my time, guys. I’ll be with you shortly.” “15-minutes starts now.” Whatever is easy to remember.

It’s ok to remind them

You’ll probably have to use this phrase for several days as everybody gets used to this new way of doing things. Stay calm. Breathe. Meditate daily. And try to understand that one day when your son or daughter comes home after a long week at college and they say, “Mom, Dad? Can y’all give me a few minutes?” You’ll know that you modeled a wonderful gift that your kids will pass on to their kids one day.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Emotional Confirmation Bias

When we think of “confirmation bias” we typically think of politics. As voters, confirmation bias is when we hold a particular belief, then selectively look for evidence to support it; this is typically an unconscious process (i.e. we are not aware we are doing it). The problem with this is we miss evidence to the contrary, and therefore, we do not have the complete data.

What is emotional confirmation bias?

When it comes to our emotional well-being, confirmation bias is when we hold a belief about ourselves, then selectively look for evidence to support that belief; and like political confirmation bias, this is an unconscious process. For those that struggle with low self-esteem and/or depression, this  Emotional Confirmation Bias (ECB) shows up when examples of low self-worth seem to be the only data available. All of the great qualities seem to vanish; and often, even when the great qualities are pointed out, reasons to refute the compliments seem to automatically pop up.

You can see how this could become problematic. Typically, people don’t even know that they are doing this, so the cycle continues. Mindfulness practice is a great way to catch ECB since you become aware of your thought patterns.

An everyday example of confirmation bias

A less intense, but well-researched example of this is when we walk under a streetlight and it turns on (or off) and we suddenly remember all the times that this has happened, then draw the conclusion that we must have some amazing electrical ability to turn streetlights on (or off) with our mere presence. We conveniently forget all the times that nothing happened. A more common example is the magical thinking that has us thinking that if we wash our car, it will rain.

What to do about it

If you follow this blog, you’ve probably noticed a trend towards mindfulness being an integral part of most solutions. ECB is no exception. It is far easier to change the thoughts and behaviors that create suffering when we are aware of them. So, first acknowledge that it’s not a crime to have confirmation bias. Then acknowledge that it is creating suffering that you’d prefer to be rid of. From there, we deal with the ANTS.

Automatic Negative Thoughts

Watch PBS long enough and you’ll come across a series of lectures by Dr. Daniel Amen. He is a clinical neuroscientist and psychiatrist. And a very talented one at that. One of the best concepts I have learned from him is that of ANTs. Automatic Negative Thoughts. A bell probably just went off in your head. And you can probably see the connection forming between them and ECB. Automatic Negative Thoughts are a symptom of ECB.

ANTs are those horrible feeling thoughts that just seem to pop up out of nowhere. They leave us feeling dark. Hopeless

I am particularly fond of the ANTs acronym because of the visual it creates. When you’re in your backyard or at the park, and you see a few ants crawling around looking for food, you know that there is a mound somewhere close, and in that mound are thousands more of those little buggers. And where there’s a mound, there’s a queen. . . and when the queen dies, the mound dies; but not immediately. This is remarkably similar to how ECB and ANTs work. When you see one, there are likely other ones lurking around the mound between your ears (your brain). And all of them are probably tied to a more manageable number of queens. So how do we create an ant-eater for the individual ANTs and something to knock out that queen? We leverage structure and our rational/logical mind!

Debating your own mind

Dr. Amen says that your brain will lie to you. A lot. For most of us this creates mild annoyances and misunderstandings, but for others, it can be rather traumatic because those mounds can build up to be bigger and bigger, and eventually feel unmanageable. That’s why we use the other side of the mind: Rational logic to debate the dark emotions.

Dr. Amen outlines 4 questions to debate the irrational mind:

  1. Is the ANT true?
  2. Am I 100% certain that it’s true?
  3. How do I feel when I blindly believe the ANT?
  4. How might I feel different if I didn’t believe the ant?

Then we wrap up those questions with what Dr. Amen calls a “Turnaround Statement.” This is a more plausible explanation of whatever we are directing the ANTs at. For example, if you are on a 2nd date, and y’all planned to meet up at 7 pm, but your date isn’t there at 7:15, an ANT would say that you have been stood up. Or that you don’t deserve to be happy. And so forth. The turn-around statement could be, “He/she could be late because of traffic. Or an unexpected call from a family member.” Getting started with this process can be difficult as those ANTs took time build, and they don’t just vanish. But taking out just one ANT starts the process.

So what about that queen ANT?

That’s where Mindfulness-based Cognitive-Behavioral therapy comes in. We will begin to notice the thoughts, ANTs, and ECB, and as you understand them better, and dismantle the irrational parts, the queen falls.

Do not give up. Just getting started squashes a few ANTs and challenges the ECB. You are not alone with this.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Mindfulness and the Wise Mind

In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), there is a wonderful explanation of how the best of our thinking and feeling minds can be accessed. This “Wise Mind” is based on the idea that the thinking brain and feeling brain both have validity and can be used to inform each other during difficult times.

Read about Flow Theory for another take on how the Wise Mind is a balance of two dynamics.

Thinking mind

The thinking mind does just that: It thinks thoughts. It uses logic, experience, etc. to make decisions. Very factual-based. For example, if you know you have six people eating dinner at your house, then you know that you’ll need 6 plates. The thinking mind also brings some much-needed logic to emotionally fueled decisions like how to handle a situation where somebody brings up a topic that isn’t really appropriate. Your feeling mind may feel embarrassment and/or anxiety; your thinking mind can help you improvise by gracefully changing the subject.

Feeling mind

The feeling mind does just that, too: It feels emotions. Eckhart Tolle teaches that emotions are the physical manifestations of thoughts; we feel them physically. When you have a stressful thought (thinking mind), like having too much work to get done in one hour, you feel your shoulders tense up, you may clench your jaw, etc. The common thread is tension in the physical muscle tissue. You feel the stress.

Wise mind

The combined experience of cognitive stress and emotional stress, plus some other factors, gives us a more inclusive experience of stress. If you ignore either side, you will have less information to help you decide your next move.

The Wise mind can be seen as the overlapping area between the Thinking and the Feeling minds. The amount of overlap, and which side has more influence changes with each situation.

Overlapping circles of thinking and feeling minds creating hybrid wise mind.

“You think too much”

Ever been told that you think too much? You might experience this as “analysis paralysis;” this is when you see so many options that you try to think your way through the ins and outs of each and every option, to the point that you just short-circuit and don’t make a decision at all. Here’s a great parable demonstrating analysis paralysis:

A centipede is walking along and comes across a frog. Mr. Frog asks the centipede, “How do you know when to move each of those 100 legs? It seems quite confusing.” Mr. Centipede stops and responds to Mr. Frog, “Ya know, I’ve never really thought about it . . .” and then he thinks about it and says, “I guess I just do it.” Mr. Frog then says, “Ah. Good to know. Carry on.” Mr. Centipede then tries to walk away with his 100 legs, but cannot move. He looks at Mr. Frog and says, “Crap! Now that I’m thinking of what leg to move, I cannot move any of them!!”

GULP! Mr. Frog eats Mr. Centipede.

Sometimes, we need to use a great deal of the thinking mind, but in a tense situation, our ability to make a fast decision will involve intuition, which is a balance of thought and emotion.

Exercise

If you feel like you think too much, try practicing mindfulness of what your emotions are telling you in various situations. Don’t worry about accuracy, just notice your feelings, then allow your thinking mind to assign a word to that feeling (sad, glad, mad, scared, confused, etc). Writing these feelings down is just fine. Many find that very helpful.

“You’re too emotional”

Ever had people wonder why you get so upset at something? It may show up as road rage, or it could be that you take constructive criticism as a personal attack and break down into tears. Either way, the feelings are fine; it’s the intensity of the behavior that follows (uncontrollable sobbing, for example) that people are really noticing.

Let’s say the constructive criticism is from your boss. If you find yourself breaking down into sobbing when your job is not in jeopardy, etc., then your emotions may be leading your behaviors and your thoughts will help you keep things in perspective. In this example, being able to improvise (a fluid thought process) will help you let your boss know that you understand the issue and that you’re on top of it. Your heart may still be pounding, but your calmer response shows your boss as you’re somebody that can remain calm during emotionally intense situations.

In personal relationships, conflict can lead to very intense emotions. Being able to balance those emotions with effective thoughts helps you hear and understand the other person, which will help keep them calm and better able to hear and understand you. The wise mind is an important tool in communication.

Exercise

Notice what emotions come up in different situations (mindfulness). Jot down any patterns that stand out to you. Where do you remain calm, but could freak-out? Where do you freak-out, but probably don’t need to? Use your thinking mind to help you learn from those situations where you keep your cool. Begin to consider how you can use your thinking mind to counterbalance the situations where you may overreact. With road-rage, for example, you can practice realizing that the other driver may be racing to the hospital, etc. While it may not justify their dangerous driving, it helps you keep calm and not join in the danger by adding road rage.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Stress Management By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Resiliency

Imagine a tree stump with a small sapling growing up from it. You’ll notice that this tree was chopped down, only to “bounce back” by re-sprouting new leaves! This tree cannot be kept down. It is the model of Resiliency.

Why can some people smile through failure? Come through heartbreak stronger than ever? How can I do that? CAN I do that?? Yes, you can. It is a teachable skill . . . a habit to be practiced. We’ve all seen this person . . . the one that falls down then gets right back up and tries again — seemingly unaffected by the fall. This person is resilient; their ability to ‘bounce back’ is tried and true.

Some people are just born with it. Others have to train themselves to overcome adversity. And like everything else, there are countless shades of gray in between.

Thankfully, if you have a difficult time bouncing back, resilience can be taught! In other words, you can learn it by practicing it.

The habit of resiliency

When you need to build resilience, approach it as a healthy habit to replace the unhealthy habit of ‘giving up.’

First, you must mindfully face the truth of where you are at; ideally using a mindfulness practice where you learn to strip away the judgment of yourself not being as resilient as you’d like.

Next, begin to notice opportunities to practice resilience. Begin with easy examples like not letting the stapler being empty throw you off too much. Then build up to more and more challenging situations. Take your time . . . it takes longer for some folks–this is ok, we are all just different on our learning curves.

Once you have practiced the basics of bouncing back, begin to notice where your blind spots are. These are places that you may not notice until after you are past the situation looking back. This is great because it lets you observe without having to act just yet. Just consider what being resilient would have looked like:

  1. What would your thoughts be if you were being more resilient (Cognition)?
  2. How would you have behaved differently (Behaviors)?
  3. What would the outcome be (Consequence)?
  4. What would the payoff have been (Reward)?

In parentheses, I put the Cognitive-Behavioral terms to help you see what we are doing here.

The more you repeat this, the better you will get, the better you get, the easier it will be to use the skills.

Start with one week of practice, then jot down what you notice. Then do another week. Then another. You will see improvements along the way, and around one month, you will likely notice that things are becoming more automatic!

Learn more about Stress Management Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Mindfulness Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

In the Flow Groove Zone

Flow Theory is an integral part of Positive Psychology. It refers to a zone where you lose track of time, experience yourself on “auto-pilot,” etc. We’ve all been there, and we can recreate it!

When you’re “in the zone,” or “feeling the groove,” or just “flowing,” you are in a state of balance between traits like skill and challenge. When these traits are balanced, you feel like you’re on autopilot, though fully present with what you are doing. You may even feel a sense of timelessness where you start doing something and are enjoying it so much that when you look up, hours have passed; yet it only seems like minutes. We can harness this. Learn more about this flow zone.

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi is a renown psychologist at the University of Chicago and is responsible for a way of approaching psychology involving “Flow Theory” which uses tenants of Positive Psychology as its foundation.

If you’ve ever been “In the Zone” while playing a sport, for example, or “In the Groove” while playing an instrument, or “In the Flow” while dancing or practicing Tai Chi, then you have experienced the almost timeless experience of Flow Theory. As its name suggests, it refers to a balance of qualities that leads us to feel at our very best, in a natural state of enjoyment, with seemingly minimal effort, even if great focus and ‘effort’ is required.

Flow and balanced traits

Thinking Mind and Feeling Mind

Graph of Wise-Mind balanceWhat we see here is the relationship of 2 variables, in this case, the Thinking mind and Feeling mind. Too much thinking with not enough emotion leads to anxiety/stress, whereas too much emotion with not enough thinking leads to emotional burnout. But in a happy medium, we experience the flow-state of Wise Mind.

 

 

 

The 2 variables can be replaced with a variety of traits that when balanced lead to different flow-like experiences.

It’s really about enjoyment

Regardless of the balanced traits, most people report that they are absolutely enjoying themselves when in the flow/zone/groove state. When you apply Flow Theory to whatever part of your life that brought you to this website, you can see the value in the simple approach of finding what areas/traits are needing some balance.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Parenting

  • Feel like you cannot get through to your kids? Like they just don’t listen?
  • Are you fantasizing about sending your kids away?
  • Are you tired of the power struggles? Are your efforts at discipline creating more stress and anger in your home?
  • Would you like to have that nice balance between being a parent first, and a friend second?
  • Is your relationship or marriage suffering because of parenting issues?

There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent. Parenting is not about perfection. It is about love, balance, consistency & follow-through. While your kids WILL test your nerves, it is important that you reward good behavior, AND enforce immediate, natural consequences for the bad behavior.

Basic parenting considerations

First of all, let me say that while “positive parenting” is a great approach, there must be a balance. Without consequences that are consistent and fair, you will have an unbalanced system that may not work as well.

Next, if your kids feel included in the creation of some of the rules, rewards, and consequences, and ideas, then they will be more invested in the process, and more likely to cooperate with the expectations.
Regarding communication, try to be:

* Non-threatening (you want them to feel safe to ask you questions, tell you their mistakes and ask for help)

* Non-shaming (again, if they feel that you will simply judge them for their mistakes and decisions that you disagree with, then WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU?)

* Non-judgmental (related to non-shaming. Your kids will not communicate with you as much if they feel judged, especially as they approach their teenage years – when the stakes of communication are overtly much higher)
Regarding discipline:

* CATCH ‘EM BEING GOOD!! Why do I put this advice in discipline? Because most have been trained (most often with the very best of intentions) by parents, and society in general, to mostly catch children being bad (followed by punishing discipline) in an effort to extinguish the negative behavior . . . we forget that parenting is about teaching and guiding, NOT just about discipline. The most powerful form of guidance is rewarding the positive, along with natural and consistent consequences for negative behaviors.

* When you need to enforce consequences for negative behaviors, make sure that you KEEP YOUR COOL and that the consequence fits the mistake. . . in other words, if your teen is on the phone for 10 minutes longer than curfew, grounding them from the phone for a month is completely inappropriate and jeopardizes your credibility as a reasonable parent that your teen can learn from. As a general rule of thumb, grounding should last no longer than 2 weeks for extreme behavior. The reasoning behind this number is that for children and teens, any longer might as well be an eternity, and for young children, they forget what they are being punished for and may come to associate their grounding with appropriate behaviors they have developed since the grounding was enforced. . . for teenagers, they are likely to begin a power struggle where their logic is, “Well, I’m grounded forever anyway, I might as well get ’em back, or have some fun while I’m grounded.” (Sometimes, 3 weeks is appropriate as it typically takes 21 days of a new behavior being repeated for a new habit to be formed–again, this length of grounding should be reserved for serious behavioral issues. Always feel free to contact me for help in deciding the length of consequences . . . and forms of rewards).

* BE CLEAR about what the inappropriate behavior is, and why it is not appropriate. Explain what the more appropriate behavior is, and always try to wrap up with clarifying that you love them even though you may not like how they are behaving.

* BE CONSISTENT! If you ground your child for a week, then follow through for the week (sorry kids! read on though, it gets better for you down the page). However, if you realize that you have overdone a consequence, then you may use the opportunity to teach your kids how to apologize and make things right by scaling down the consequence to a more reasonable level.

* Have ground rules written down in advance, and add to the list as necessary . . . if a behavior is not listed or alluded to on the list, then you don’t have to impose a consequence . . . YET. Add the behavior to the list, explain why it is inappropriate and what the future consequence will be, then move on. Of course, if the behavior is an obvious violation of laws, safety, etc., then some sort of consequence is fine. Just remember to keep your cool and NEVER ACT OUT OF RAGE.

Point system

To avoid an entitled child when using a point system

In my opinion, it is important for kids to learn how to do basic hygeine etc. without “getting paid” for it, so while praise and recognition is great, and even making these  things a bit fun for them, I don’t think awarding “points” needs to always be applied with things like this.

Instead, I suggest you consider that in order for your kids to be able to begin earning points for the day, they must first complete their basic hygiene (bathing, brushing teeth, putting on clean clothes, etc.); THEN the point system is enabled.

The point system details

*Adapted from Transforming the Difficult Child.

Philosophy: Reward the good by giving points; impose immediate/natural consequences for the inappropriate behavior by deducting points along with other consequences (timeouts, replacing/repairing broken items, an apology, etc.) if needed (just taking away points is often sufficient for many difficult behaviors; however, do not hesitate to use ‘time-out’ etc. in conjunction; just do NOT overdo it).

Motto: “CATCH EM BEING GOOD!!!!”

Create a system that is age appropriate (sticker and star charts for younger kids, graph paper a little later on, and accounting ledger for teens) where positive behavior is awarded points (more points for how big the behavior is), and negative behavior has points deducted (again, more points for bigger behaviors). Your Point Chart can be divided into 3 levels of positive behaviors (and 3 levels of rewards/points), and 3 levels of negative behaviors (again, with 3 levels of consequences/point deductions); try to use broad terms where possible (for example, accountability, respect, honesty, etc.) so those obvious infractions or positive displays of these principles can be addressed through the broader concept (respect, for example).

Be creative with this . . . feel free to check it out with a counselor if you are not sure about the details. Be willing to debug the system as you go along though. . . this process is an excellent opportunity to model learning and putting learning into action in a calm, healthy manner.

Many people find a basic point system where points are directly cashed out for rewards to be most effective in their particular family situation. Others find more complex systems motivate more behavior change in their lives as long as the system is not so complex as to defeat the purpose.

**INCLUDE your kids in the making of the lists that get rewards & consequences, and how much those actions get awarded/taken away; be willing to bargain a little. The more invested your children are in the process, the more likely they will abide by it.

**If a behavior is not on the list, do not deduct points; simply explain the behavior, why it is not OK, and how many points will be taken away next time. Of course, major negative behaviors that endanger people/property (setting fire to a cornfield) should not be overlooked and just added with no consequence . . . clearly, use your judgment.

**REMEMBER that you must keep this system in place for 6-8 weeks before it begins to ‘stick.’ The point system only tends to work when parents keep it in place over time.
Regarding making tough parenting decisions:

* ASK YOURSELF, “if my son/daughter were faced with this very decision about their child, what would I hope for them to do?” Then, start from there. This is a great filter since it is fairly uncommon for people to wish actual harm upon their children; AND since you would wish for your kids to act in a certain way, then you will be modeling that for them. The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do” can be a very confusing lesson that backfires. It teaches double standards and is extremely confusing for children and teens alike. As a parent, it is your responsibility to behave in a manner consistent with what you expect from your kids… remember, they learned to talk by watching you. . . they learned to tie their shoes by watching you, they learn their manners by watching you, they learn problem-solving, conflict resolution, etc. all by watching you…They will learn how to interact with others by how you treat them.

* Consult with other parents, counselors, clergy, mentors, friends, family, etc.

* Remind your children that you love them no matter what.

* If you are unsure of what to say, tell your children that you love them.

* Be willing to be wrong; and be willing to correct the mistake in a manner that models appropriate ‘mistake-management’ for your children.

* Use your instincts and previous experiences of what has worked before, and build on those.
General Considerations:

Parenting styles change with each family. There are a few trends, though, that prove to be very useful when raising kids of any age.

One of the most important parts of parenting is how to talk to your child. Finding ways to teach your child about feelings, values, rules, rewards, and consequences is a challenge faced by all parents.

Most often, communication with a child of any age should be:

* Open
* Honest
* Direct
* Consistent
* Proactive
* Strength-based
* Curious

You should try to avoid being:

* Hostile
* Shaming
* Deceptive
* Judging
* Assuming
* Manipulative

According to Dr. John Gottman, a family’s Emotional Heritage has a tremendous impact on the development of a child’s ability to manage difficult emotions later in life (The Relationship Cure, 2001). Emotionally Coaching families that provide acceptance and reassurance along with teaching healthy coping skills tend to have the most success. Families that are Emotionally Disapproving, or Emotionally Dismissive tend to create significant problems for children learning basic socialization skills and conflict management.
Basic practices that help lead to the healthy development of both the parent and the child:

* Catch your kids being good. Try to reward positive actions with a point system (see above) or privileges. Keep in mind that kids like to be happy and to please their parents.

* Assume success, and reward behaviors as they approach success.

* Use immediate, fitting consequences that match the intensity of the behavior (being too harsh can hurt your credibility as a parent).

* Respect your child’s age level. A 16-year old will likely deserve more responsibility than a 10-year-old. Try to avoid treating a 16-year-old like a 10-year-old because of your being angry with him/her. Also try to avoid giving a 6-year-old the responsibilities of a 16-year-old (babysitting for several hours, for example).

* Listen to, and learn from your child. Be open to the idea that you may not completely understand their experiences, thoughts, and feelings in the same way that they do. Ask them to help you understand their experience. Remember to validate the feelings/experiences first.

* When listening, try to hear your child’s message, and then say it back to them. Try to hold off on judging their message or trying to convince them that they are wrong. Just begin by letting them know that you hear what they are trying to share with you, even if you disagree. Once a child (especially a pre-teen or teen) feels that they have been heard and respected, they are more likely to hear what you have to say.

* Model the behavior you would like to see in your child. In other words, if you do not want to see your child yelling and screaming when conflict comes up, then be careful not to yell and scream when conflict comes up for you. Remember, your kids learned how to tie their shoes by watching you, they learned their manners by watching you, they learned how to talk by watching you. They WILL learn how to deal with conflict and how to face tough emotions by watching you.

* In any situation, imagine your kids in the same situation, and then imagine how you hope that they would handle themselves. Then handle yourself like that. This way, you are showing them how they should act.

* Focus on working through mistakes . . . not on the mistake itself. Just like this is your first time parenting your child, it is your child’s first time, too. You may make mistakes, and so will your child. By teaching your child that you do not only focus on the bad (instead, focusing on reward and natural consequences) they will be more likely to work with you willingly in making a smooth home life.

* Work with your child’s school. At the same time, try to respect your child’s privacy and boundaries. PTA meetings are an excellent place to check in with teachers and counselors about your child. If there is trouble at home, talk to teachers and see if your child’s behavior is better at school. If it is, ask the teachers how they work with your child; be willing to learn from your child’s teachers. If your family is experiencing a difficult time (divorce, death, etc.), let school administrators and teachers know so that they can keep an eye on your child and offer support when needed.

* Take an interest in your child’s development. Go to their games, celebrate their success, and comfort them when they don’t succeed (be careful not to overdo it since sometimes children, especially teenagers, need to have the time to work through their feelings using the skills you have taught them).

* Ask questions/be curious, but try not to pry. Ask your child to help you understand (ex. “Could you help me understand what it is like being a teenager today.”).

* Respect privacy and try to avoid ‘snooping.’ Remember that your kids learn by watching your actions; if you snoop around . . . they will snoop around, too. Clearly, if you are concerned for your child’s well-being, there may be appropriate times to do a search, but try to ask your child first about what you are concerned about, then talk to a counselor if you feel the need to search their personal belongings. If your instincts tell you to snoop, then snoop! They are still children under your care, and while respect for privacy is important, your child’s physical and emotional well-being is more important.

Learn more about Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Skills

  • Do you feel like people just cannot seem to get what you are saying?
  • Do people often tell you that YOU don’t get what they are saying?
  • 80% of our messages are non-verbal (eye contact, body language, facial expression).
  • Of the 20% that is verbal, we can learn to be mindful of which words work best for our message.

Communication skills are about how to listen and how to be heard, not just how to talk. Communication is a cooperative process; in other words, while one person is speaking, the other must cooperate by listening. While this seems rather intuitive, we have all experienced how difficult it can be. Read on to learn how to slow down and simplify the process.

Seek to understand first

I believe it is Steven Covey that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” This really captures the essence of listening.

We can all relate to times when somebody was talking to us and we were so lost in thought planning our response that we neglected to really listen to what was being said to us. This communicates disinterest and a lack of respect for the speaker. Seek to understand.

Tips on showing you are listening & understanding

Make eye contact–don’t stare them down, but show your
attention by looking into the speaker’s eyes occasionally.

Have open body language–try not to sprawl out on
the floor, but keep a generally ‘open’ stance that shows you are receptive
to the message being sent to you. Nod occasionally to let them know
you are listening. Use your facial expression to show interest, compassion,
or confusion, but make sure you are not being dramatic or sarcastic/judgmental.

Reflect back–say back to the speaker what you heard
them say (the ‘content’ versus the ’emotions’ (see validation below for
emotions). For example, “If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying
that the paint is the wrong color”. This is not saying parrot or mimic
them; rather it is to encourage paraphrasing and checking out your understanding
of what was said. . . this can prevent a great deal of confusion as if
you heard it wrong (or if they sent the message unclear fashion),
the speaker can then restate their point.

It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude
about their emotional experience even if you disagree with what they
are saying or feeling. Quite often, both of you are correct: if you hold
a quarter up with tails facing them, and heads facing you, then each
of your reports of what you see is ‘correct’ but different. When dealing
with conflict, it is easy for the ego to try and exploit this difference
as a place to attack. Do not fall into this trap.

Validate emotions–This is similar to Reflection,
however, it refers to the emotional experience of who you are talking
to. It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude
about their emotional experience. Even if you disagree with their
emotional response (i.e. they are angry that you like chocolate ice
cream . . . it makes no sense to most of us, but it is their feelings
and they have a right to feel that way; besides, you cannot usually
just ‘turn off’ emotions that don’t make sense to others).
You validate emotions by calmly letting them know that you see that
they seem to be feeling hurt, angry, happy, etc. Sometimes it is helpful
to ask if you are on the ‘right track.’

Take a one-down stance–this can help to nullify a perceived
power differential. These words can put you in a one-down stance, “Help
me understand. . . . ” By inviting the person to ‘teach’ you what
they are feeling or experiencing, you are showing them that you truly wish
to hear what they are saying–use Reflecting (see above) make sure you
have heard them correctly.

Ask ‘open’ questions–these are questions that are most
easily answered with a sentence rather than a single word like ‘yes’
or ‘no.’ These open questions invite more discussion, rather than
quick responses.

Watch your tone and word choice — 80% of communication is non-verbal. So use a calm tone
and words that are not ‘loaded.’ I would extend this to mean do not
be passive-aggressive in general. We all know the little communication
games that can be played where we ‘say’ the ‘nice’ words but with
an air of sarcasm or malice. Nobody misses this kind of game. And
it really never helps.

Listen well and be heard

Many people seem to believe that only children and teens struggle with how to interact with peers. In fact, the older you get, the more complicated this may feel. A child does not have to worry about dating or professional peers. A teen’s romantic interactions or job interactions may not be as intense as those of a high-level professional in a long-standing marriage. Thus, it benefits any aged individual who struggles with peer interactions at any level to deal with it directly and honestly.

Mastering communication skills fundamentals

Genuineness is the ultimate building block of peer relations. Both genuineness with yourself so that you can be honest with others, and genuineness to others, which actually is manifested by honesty itself. People are great lie detectors . . .we all have the ability inside of us that Robert DeNiro has in “Meet the Parents.” Most of us just do not have it as finely tuned as his character; however, our bodies know it–and we can all ‘feel’ a certain vibe when someone is not genuine, or congruent, with their feelings and actions. Alan Watts sums it up nicely in this quote from The Culture of Counterculture (pg 11):

“I was once associated in a business way with somebody who was
a complicated person. He always pretended that he was a great idealist
and that whatever he was doing was for the benefit of mankind, for the
furtherance of mutual understanding, and to promote unselfishness and
love between human beings. Actually, his dealings were very shady ethically.
And I couldn’t get along with him, because he wouldn’t come clean. If
he had said, “Look, I’m in a jam, and in order to get around it,
I need you to manipulate things with me thus and so. I know it isn’t
ethical, but this what I need you to do.” I would have said, “Well,
I’m entirely in agreement with you.” If he hadn’t come on in his
usual pious way, which I found sickening and offensive, but had come
on in a human way, we would have understood each other.”

This is a great example of how genuine action (coming on “in a human way”), no matter how difficult, will usually lead to more beneficial relationships and partnerships. Of course, this applies to not only professional interactions but also to social and intimate ones as well. In short, be honest about what you are feeling–both to yourself and to others, in thought and in action.

Being self-aware offers you the opportunity to monitor your interactions; being overly aware can, however, be a hindrance (usually this is an issue for those who struggle with self-esteem). Being aware of if you are being overly self-focused in the conversation vs. having a healthy balance of interest in the other person (or people, if in a group) is extremely helpful. If you find that you are too much on either side, then use your awareness to either pull back a little on your storytelling about yourself or to pull back a bit in the relentless questioning of others. . . whichever applies. Being aware of other people’s body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice will aid you in determining if you would do well to alter your level of interaction. If you find that you should, please do not beat yourself up–what will shine through to the other people involved is your perceptiveness and ability to adapt–not the initial interactions.

Trusting yourself can be difficult as you learn to improve your peer relations skills with others. If it has not gone smoothly in the past, you may have a difficult time trusting in the signals you are trying to be aware of. Seeking honest feedback from a trusted teacher, counselor, spiritual leader, friend, or family member who seems to have a solid grasp of social skills may be helpful. In this case, you may find yourself trusting externally before moving internally–this is only one perspective though. You have to trust yourself enough first to decide which person to approach. You will notice that you may have an initial impression of who it is you trust and can learn from–this immediately shows your ability to discriminate between healthy and unhealthy models. This trust of self can be expanded to help you realize your comfort in many peer situations.

Empathy for one’s self is most evident through the increase in comfort as one learns to negotiate the complexities of interacting with others.
When you have genuine compassion for yourself, you begin to relax a little, this relaxation shines through in your interactions with people. Remember that “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” As you find yourself giving yourself a little room to learn, you may find yourself offering others the same latitude in their actions–you begin modeling for them the balance you yourself have been working so hard to learn. When this happens, you have moved into a higher level of learning the social complexities involved in interactions.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Co-parenting

Ever see a divorced couple that seems to get along great and wonder how they do it? It’s effective Co-Parenting. There are skills that can be learned to cultivate a friendly co-parenting experience that benefits everybody, especially the kids! It can be tough in the beginning, but this is normal. Learn more about how to create a friendly vibe between you and your ex-.

Some ground rules to start with:

  1. NEVER use your children as pawns to accomplish your agenda
  2. NEVER put your children in the middle by asking them to tell you about what your ex- is saying and doing
  3. ALWAYS remind the kids that you both love them very much and that they do not have to choose between the 2 of you
  4. ALWAYS remind the kids that the divorce is not their fault; that only adults can create adult problems that lead to divorce
  5. ALWAYS offer the kids reassurance that both you and your ex- are there for them
  6. NEVER NEVER NEVER badmouth your ex- to your kids; this means that you must not take an easy opportunity to take a ‘jab’ at your ex- just because you are angry with them. Remember, your kids have done nothing wrong, and by bad-mouthing your ex- to them, you are punishing them, not your ex-.
  7. Should your kids tell you that your ex- has bad-mouthed you, ALWAYS remain calm and reassuring; let them know that you are sorry that your ex- said something hurtful, reassure them that sometimes adults say things when they are upset, but that it does not mean that they have to choose between the 2 of you. Remember, do NOT start badmouthing your ex- to the kids just because they did that to you (by the way, when you have some privacy and are in a calm place, you can check in with your ex- and calmly ask them if there is anything you can do to help them not feel like they need to say those things to the kids. . . this “one-down” stance can often diffuse tension and help the 2 of you get to a better co-parenting place. If YOU bad-mouthed your ex-, and they call you about it, calmly accept responsibility and see if you can use the opportunity to get some resolution. If not, you may have to agree to disagree about the tension, but re-affirm the commitment to NEVER put the kids in the middle like that.
  8. When you don’t know what to say to the kids, default to reminding them that you and your ex- love them more than anything and that there nothing they could ever do to change that.
  9. If you are in a situation where your ex- simply refuses to play by the rules, then be a soft place for your kids to land. . . don’t pile on to their stress by not following the rules yourself. They need to know that there is at least one parent that they can count on to be reasonable. Seek help from a counselor to determine next steps. Sometimes you’ll need to document what is happening, especially if it is abusive to the kids. We hope judges and lawyers will not be needed very much, but sometimes you’ll need what only they can provide.

Co-parenting reminders

Once you have the ground rules established and agreed upon, here are some ideas to help you cultivate a healthy co-parenting relationship. . . in some cases, this can even be a rather friendly relationship; it’s ok if y’all are not friends, but it is important to behave in a friendly manner when the kids are around.

  1. Your kids are masters at making things their fault, so it doesn’t take much to get them in a place where they think “they wouldn’t be fighting if I wasn’t here . . .”
  2. Bad-mouthing your ex- will backfire. As your kids get older, they WILL remember who tried to turn them against their own parent. This does not go well. “Parental Alienation” is the legal term for badmouthing each other to the kids, and judges do NOT take kindly to it
  3. You and your ex- are going to be in each others’ lives for the long haul anyway, so having as healthy/amicable of a relationship as possible will make it much easier, and much better for the kids. “Divided Loyalty” is the experience that kids have when they feel like they have to take “mom’s side” when at mom’s house, and then take “dad’s side” when at dad’s house. It is very confusing and very hurtful for children, tweens and teens (and honestly, for your kids as adults, too)
  4. Yes, it can be extremely difficult to behave yourself when you are around your ex-, try to remember that you are doing it for the kids’ sake (and for your own peace of mind so that when you reflect on your day, you can know that you handled yourself with dignity and integrity
  5. You do not have to respect somebody to treat them with respect
  6. You can disagree without being disagreeable
  7. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE SEEKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD!! You’d be surprised how effective this is at keeping things simple and peaceful!
  8. Sometimes, agreeing to disagree IS a form of resolution.

Co-parenting: How to do it

Communication is essential. Remember to not make assumptions–talk to your ex- if you are uncertain as to what they intended.

Planning can be very helpful so that surprises are minimal. The consistency this creates for the kids is very reassuring.

Focus on what you have in common: The happiness and well-being of your children.

Understand that in the beginning, this process will feel more difficult, and slip ups will happen. Acknowledge them, apologize when necessary or helpful, then move on. Try not to carry a grudge for slip-ups that your ex- makes. The grudge hurts the kids in the end.

Now that we are clear on what the real focus is *The kids*, let’s move to some specifics.

Regarding Visitation: Flexibility and communication

Because the kids are your number one focus, remember to show some flexibility. If your ex- needs you to take the kids one weekend, and you are able to do it, go ahead and help! You’ll get time with your kids, and your ex- will come to see you as an ally instead of an enemy.  And if you’re the one needing to change weekends, remember to be nice. Sometimes offer to take the kids for your ex-, it builds trust and a cooperative relationship. Remember, the kids benefit.

Be sure that you are specific about when you need help; try hard not to change the times or duration. For the one that’s helping out, please don’t back out unless absolutely necessary; remember that children make things their own fault. . . we do not want them thinking that you don’t want to be with them. Back to punctuality, please bring the kids back at the agreed upon time.

Now if what either of you needs in terms of timing/scheduling, communicate this as soon as possible, and do so with a polite and cooperative tone. Let your ex- know that you understand this change might be an inconvenience and that if it is, you will work with them to help get it straightened out.

Rules and consequences: Consistency and mutual support

Children (and teens!) need consistency. This helps them stay clear about what is expected of them. It also helps the two of you not be as susceptible to manipulation (usually by tweens and teens) using the “divide and conquer” idea where if one of you says no, the kids go to the other parent and ask, hoping for a ‘yes.’

To be specific, write the rules of your homes down. Do your best to get them as consistent as possible; when they are nearly identical, this is ideal. Have your rules posted in a clear place, or for older kids/teens, have them easily accessible.

When rules are broken, and there are consequences, then those consequences should be supported by the other parent. . . in other words, if your teenager is grounded for a week from X-box, then if they come to your place halfway through the grounding, then the grounding continues at your place. This can be a tough one because of the ‘divide and conquer’ method, as well as because kids are great at pulling heartstrings! Remember, the more you and your ex- are on the same page, the more reassuring it is for your kids.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Change can be tough

Change is often a wise investment that pays off in decreased suffering.

Let’s say that you have correctly recognized that in order to be more healthy and balanced, you need to make some sort of lifestyle, thought, and/or behavioral change. Let’s also say that you are willing to ask for and receive some help for this. Furthermore, let’s assume that you seek some sort of help from a professional mentor, counselor, coach, or teacher and that this costs money that you don’t feel like you can afford.

What it costs. Is it worth it?

You are now confronted with decisions related to your priorities. Do you keep eating out, spending upwards of $500/month, even though you could spend $200 on groceries and just make your own meals?  Freeing up enough money for two $150 sessions per month is probably worthwhile. If are able to do this, then you are probably ready to take ownership back for your life! One way to notice that you are moving towards readiness for change is that you begin to feel more discomfort when you try to rationalize or justify unhealthy habits; once you notice the discomfort for what it is, you see that it (the discomfort) is just trying to motivate you to change something so that the discomfort goes away.

Now, what if you really are not justifying anything, and you literally cannot afford the help. There are places that provide sliding scale help; places that provide free help; places that will help you to see where you can make financial changes to free up money for self-care. Now you are once again confronted with truly owning your life; you see, it is extremely uncommon that help is literally not available in some form or another.

Real obstacles to change

Folks that struggle with depression, or other energy depleting conditions, may actually not feel the motivation to change; they may have the experience of giving up hope, sometimes to the point of feeling suicidal, sometimes to the point of self-sabotaging in order to feel some sort of illusory control. When somebody has repeatedly seemed to make genuine efforts at behavioral/cognitive change, yet reverts back, other methods of intervention may come into possibility; perhaps a new counselor, perhaps trying meditation, exercise, changes in diet, etc. When nothing seems to be working, or if you are at your wit’s end, consider talking to your doctor about medication. Again, if these cost money and/or effort, there may be a defensiveness to trying them. Eckhart Tolle would say that the egoic pain-body is getting in the way. I tend to agree. You may have more colorful names for this internal gremlin!

How the ego is the victim

Sometimes though, people will actually engage the new options, but without being truly committed to the change(s), often as a way to show their plight . . . “I’ve tried counseling, it didn’t work, I tried meds, they didn’t work, I tried meditation, exercise, healthy diet, changing friends, etc. and none of it worked. “Now look at all of the time, energy and money I wasted, only to find myself back at square one. Nothing ever goes my way.” Try to remember that as difficult as it is to watch this way of thinking, the person going through it never gets away from it until they truly own their life (though they may get the illusion of getting away from it by self-medicating with drugs/alcohol, or other addictive behaviors).

It’s all relative

If you really deeply want to change, then you also have to KNOW that you NEED to change in a very direct and genuine way. And accept responsibility for when you behave in ways that are not in line with the changes you allegedly know that you need to make. Thing is, you don’t HAVE to change. Nobody’s going to stop you from doing what you do in most cases – but there will always be some sort of consequence for your action—that’s the behavioral version of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: E=mc2. Do the things that are in line with what you want to achieve, and you improve the likelihood (the probability) that you will get what you are wanting. But that equation is not just for one fixed point in time . . . it stays accurate from moment to moment. . .for every moment there is. So, by the same token, when you do things that are not in line with what you are wanting or striving for, then you are less likely (i.e. you lower the probability) that you will get what you are looking for . . . said another way, you increase the probability of getting more of the stuff that you allegedly don’t want.

Self-sabotage and drama

So why do people continue to do the things that lower their chances of success? I guess it depends on who you ask, and who you’re talking about. But generally, it gives us something to continue to ‘work’ on, or gives us something to be distracted by, or something to complain about, or add to add to the story of our life . . . in other words, it creates more drama. . . and we seem to like drama. But when you look at excitement about something, there’s really nothing wrong with that, it’s just generally healthier and truly entertaining in the real sense of the word to create excitement in a more positive manner. . . I’m going to call it ‘adventure’ when you are being healthy about it—drama when you’re not; that is, one of them is for when you’re asleep at the wheel (in terms of your consciousness), and the other for when you are ‘awake.’

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Personal development By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Procrastination

When it comes to not getting things done, we can be extremely creative about feeling good about it. Does this sound familiar, “To be at my most productive, I need some down time.” Or, “Sleep is really important, so I’ll just sleep in today . . .”

It’s when you wait until later to get something done that you know would be more useful to finish up in the now. We are more likely to do this when we are not clear about what it is we are really trying to accomplish—that is, when we aren’t sure which need is trying to get met by accomplishing the goal.

Mindful clarity helps follow through

Be genuinely clear about what you are really needing to accomplish, and you will be more likely to engage in behaviors that help move you towards “need fulfillment” (vs just getting the ‘task’ done).

For example, if you know that you need to wash your car, is it about cleaning the car so that the paint doesn’t crack, or is it about maintaining a sense of order and cleanliness in your life, or a little of both? If you think you are just trying to save the paint, when in reality keeping you car clean is part of a healthier “clean” lifestyle, then you may put it off because of the missed intention of living a clean life.

How the ego can sabotage us

We also put things off that threaten our ego’s way of doing things. If we are unconsciously more comfortable with chaos, we are more likely to leave things undone, and thereby create more chaos, which pleases the ego (i.e. it matches the unconscious expectation). This is why bringing consciousness to the unconscious (a mindfulness practice) helps us to re-wire our brain.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.