Category: Anxiety

How to Effectively Manage Anxiety: Simple Techniques to Calm the Storm

One of the most common questions that people have is how to effectively manage anxiety. The nervous thoughts are bad enough, but the physical symptoms only make things worse as people start to worry that others can see them shaking or trembling, that their face is noticeably red, or that sweat is forming the dreaded armpit stain on clothing.

There are dozens of types of anxiety, but all of them are related to the sympathetic nervous system’s alert mechanism of Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Fortunately, there are very specific skills that you can learn to calm the storm, or at least make it more manageable while you get those skills dialed in better.

Techniques for Calming Anxiety

Let’s discuss the basics of anxiety management. Here are a few terms to become familiar with:

• Mindfulness: quite simply, noticing what is, but without judging it as
• Breathing: proper belly breathing turns down the fight-or-flight mechanism
• Meditation: a mindfulness practice involving noticing simply what is, while anchored in the breath
• Cognitive-behavioral practices: the use of new thoughts (cognitions) to guide new behaviors that lead to new results that feedback to the conscious and unconscious minds to change our lives

Mindfulness: Notice What You Are Feeling

Please read this post on mindfulness for greater detail. To summarize though, mindfulness is about noticing what is going on inside of you, and around you, without judging it as good or bad. You may experience thoughts of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but with mindfulness, you simply see those as thoughts and shift your focus to what the discomfort is trying to tell you (like removing your hand from the hot stove to prevent further burning).

Also, remember that mindfulness is also about noticing wonderful things without judgment. Of course, enjoying your experience is okay! And if you’re going to judge something as ‘good or bad,’ recognizing and celebrating goodness is a great way to do it!

Breathing: Initiate the “Relaxation Response”

Reading this post on meditation will help with this section and the next one.

When you breathe from your belly, where the belly expands on the inhale, you are breathing as you do in your most relaxed state of sleep. This kind of smooth, rhythmic breathing stimulates a neurological process called the relaxation response that slows brainwaves and triggers the release of endorphins that calm the body. It takes practice to become proficient with it and to notice the benefits; however, biofeedback can show that the body is responding even if you do not consciously notice it. Keep going.

To learn this technique, lie down, place a pillow under your knees, and put your hands on your belly. Close your eyes if you like. Now breathe so that your belly inflates and lifts your hands. When you exhale, allow your belly to sink back into your body (you don’t have to ‘suck it in’).

3 Simple Tools to Manage Stress

Stress is an unavoidable part of life, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm us. Here are three simple tools you can use to manage stress:

• Breathing: Slow, deep breathing is an effective way to calm the body and reduce stress. Try taking a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose, and exhaling through your mouth. While there are specific breathing patterns, for now just go with slow-ish, smooth, and rhythmic. Elevating your feet helps calm anxiety as well, so feel free to do this as well while you breathe.
• Meditation: Bringing together mindfulness and breathing, meditation is about being completely aware of the mind while in a flow state that is induced with smooth, gentle diaphragmatic (belly) breathing. Simply sit comfortably or lie down, breathe, and notice the antics of the mind. If you find yourself judging your thoughts or feelings, just notice the judging then return to your gentle breathing. Meditation is not about perfection, but rather about allowing imperfection to happen and learning to shift your focus back to the gentle breath. Read the article on meditation for more details.
• Cognitive-Behavioral Practice: Mindfulness meditation creates a fertile ground for changing thoughts and behaviors that shape your life. As you become mindful of your thoughts and feelings, you can identify the ones that create problems and suffering. With this done, you can intervene by training your brain to use new thoughts (cognitions) to direct new behaviors. Changing thoughts change behaviors, which changes results that shape your life.

For more information on Anxiety, please visit the MedLine Plus website article about anxiety.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Overcoming Fear of Relationships with Counseling

In a previous post, I addressed the topic of Fear of Relationships (Romantic Anxiety). In this post, I will discuss how counseling can help you overcome this fear. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that can be particularly helpful in addressing fear of relationships. It is similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in that it addresses the interrelationship between thoughts and behaviors. DBT consists of four skill sets, each with various tools to cultivate those skills:

1. Mindfulness: Cultivating awareness of the present moment without judgment
2. Emotional Regulation: Learning to experience emotions in the present moment without becoming overwhelmed and behaving in destructive ways
3. Distress Tolerance: Building resilience to distressing events to make healthy decisions about how you interact with your world
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Learning how to set and enforce boundaries, express thoughts and feelings, and cultivate safe, healthy relationships

Mindfulness

Examining potential childhood influences and past relationships sheds light on romantic anxiety. This simple inventory is not meant to judge but rather to understand what is there. Mindfulness also involves awareness of current feelings in the present moment about past influences and current situations. By being mindful of fear, you can leverage it to see other ways to protect yourself without living in fear of intimacy.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation involves examining how emotions impact decisions and behaviors. Once you are mindful of these dynamics, you can learn to regulate emotions in ways that are not so upsetting. Emotions can be a wonderful source of information about your internal world and surroundings. Using emotions to help you is a skill that can be taught. For instance, imagine feeling nervous about a first date but experiencing it as more excitement instead of anxiety. It’s how we use our thoughts that determines whether the feeling is enjoyable or uncomfortable. I know that sounds crazy, but consider this fact: fear and exhilaration are biochemically identical (adrenaline, cortisol, and testosterone), so what makes one enjoyable and the other terrifying? Yep.

Distress Tolerance

Rejection or the end of a relationship can be painful, but learning to bounce back from it is an essential life skill. Building resilience, or the ability to bounce back, is key. Various techniques can be learned to cultivate resilience, making you more confident in your ability to overcome pain, and therefore, helping you overcome fear.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Practicing skills in real-world situations is a crucial step towards feeling more comfortable taking risks in the dating world. This involves using mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance to your advantage in day-to-day interactions. As you become more comfortable, social skills can be added to help you approach romance with a sense of excitement and adventure.

Conclusion

Overall, counseling can provide the necessary tools to overcome a fear of relationships. By learning and applying these skills, you can cultivate healthy relationships and overcome romantic anxiety.s

Updated December 5, 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Understanding Anxiety: A Comprehensive Guide

Anxiety does not have to be as painful and debilitating as people often find it to be; it is manageable by using effective, research-based interventions provided at Gate Healing, PLLC.  In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore the various types and aspects of anxiety, its common symptoms, and how to overcome the challenges it presents.

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Common Anxiety Symptoms and Experiences

• Do you often find yourself feeling anxious or nervous without a clear trigger, perhaps experiencing those infamous “butterflies in your stomach”?
  • I have heard people say that “butterflies” are too cute. . . that the experience can be more intense and feel like “Bats” in their stomach.
• Has anxiety become a roadblock, preventing you from living your life to the fullest?
• Do you avoid social situations because of uncertainty about how to navigate them?
• Have opportunities for personal or professional growth slipped through your fingers due to the fear of the unknown, or even fear of success?
• Do you frequently get lost in a sea of “what if” thoughts?
• Do you often catch yourself caught in a relentless cycle of worry, no matter how trivial the issues might seem?
  • Perhaps you’ve diligently prepared for a test, only to draw a blank when it’s handed to you. Or, despite hours of rehearsal, your hands tremble and your mind goes blank the moment you step onto a stage. Whether you’re facing a crucial presentation at work or summoning the courage to approach someone special, anxiety can be a formidable adversary. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be a barrier to your success. Read on to learn more about different types of anxiety and how to manage them.

These are just a few of the common experiences associated with anxiety. Additionally, you might encounter physical symptoms like a dry mouth, racing heart, shortness of breath, and a constricted throat, especially before or during significant events such as presentations, interviews, or dates.

Exploring Anxiety in Its Many Forms

Anxiety manifests in various ways, each with its unique challenges. As you begin your journey to address anxiety, you may notice that your anxiety levels fluctuate, even as you seek professional guidance. This is entirely normal, and I’m here to help you build the tools to manage your anxiety effectively.

It’s important to understand that seeking help for anxiety or nervousness can be daunting, as it involves opening up to someone new about personal, sometimes embarrassing experiences. However, counseling for anxiety provides a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore techniques tailored to your specific needs.

Anxiety can range from common fears related to failure, rejection, or physical pain to deeper concerns about existential and spiritual beliefs. Here are some common types of anxiety:

Anticipatory Anxiety

Anticipatory Anxiety applies to all of the following types of anxiety. It is when you feel nervous or anxious before a situation occurs. Many people find those “what-ifs” rolling around their minds in a way that creates a feeling of paralysis.

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The Centipede and the Frog

“Analysis Paralysis” is one form of anticipatory anxiety. Analysis Paralysis is when you may feel anxious about making a decision as a result of the possibility of making the wrong decision.

There is an excellent parable that describes analysis paralysis:

A centipede is walking along one day and comes across a frog. The frog notices how many legs the centipede must move in a coordinated fashion . . . he stops the centipede and asks him how he knows when to move each leg. The centipede thinks for a moment then replies, “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it.” The frog thanks him for stopping but the centipede doesn’t move. The frog asks the centipede what is wrong and the centipede says, “I cannot figure out which leg to move!”

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Social Anxiety

While social anxiety is particularly common among teenagers, many adults find that it gets in the way of enjoying social times. It is often linked to performance anxiety and involves a persistent fear of judgment or scrutiny by others. This anxiety can manifest in social, romantic, or professional situations, leading individuals to withdraw from social interactions or avoid them altogether. People with social anxiety often struggle with understanding and applying social norms in real-time situations, even if they comprehend them in theory. It’s important to note that being shy or introverted (which are different) doesn’t necessarily equate to social anxiety.

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If you’re dealing with social anxiety, consider gradual exposure to social situations. Perhaps begin with very short interactions with only one or two people, like the cashier at the grocery store. A simple question like, “How are you?” is a great way to begin. As you feel more comfortable with those short interactions, consider moving to interactions at smaller gatherings and work your way up to larger events, all while practicing mindfulness-based relaxation techniques like 4-7-8 breathing or progressive relaxation. Jonathan uses highly effective Minfulness-based Cognitive Therapy to change thought patterns and behaviors related to social anxiety.
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Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety, on the other hand, is often tied to social anxiety. It goes beyond the typical pre-performance jitters. Individuals with performance anxiety may know the material well but find the prospect of performing in front of others overwhelming, sometimes to the point of experiencing nausea or full-blown panic attacks.

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To conquer performance anxiety, preparation is key. Practice and rehearse extensively to build confidence. Deep breathing and progressive relaxation exercises can help calm nerves just before a performance. Visualization techniques, where you mentally rehearse successful outcomes, can also be helpful.

As a performing musician himself, Jonathan struggled with performance anxiety. This was in spite of consistent postive feedback from others, and hearing recordings of his own performances. This gives him insight into what people are experiencing, and some ideas of how to find what works for your particular circumstance.
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Existential Anxiety

Existential anxiety delves into profound questions about the meaning of life and death. Individuals grappling with existential anxiety may ponder what happens after death, question the existence of an afterlife, or contemplate beliefs in reincarnation. These questions often lack clear-cut answers, making it essential to find peace in not knowing everything and relinquishing control. They bring into focus the differnce between the known, the unknown, and the unknown but knowable.

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When facing existential questions, engage in self-reflection and seek philosophical or spiritual guidance. Meditation and mindfulness can aid in finding peace in uncertainty. Discussing these thoughts with a counselor or therapist experienced in existential concerns can be beneficial. Jonathan in particular has extensive experience in integrating the existential philosophies into clinical practice that is easily integrated into people’s everyday lives.
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Financial Anxiety

Financial anxiety is rooted in concerns about meeting basic needs, both for oneself and one’s family. In our society, essential needs like food, clothing, and shelter are closely tied to financial stability. When financial anxiety takes hold, it can keep individuals on edge throughout the day, making it difficult to relax even during nighttime hours.

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To manage financial anxiety, create a budget and stick to it. Seek financial counseling if necessary to gain control over your finances. Developing an emergency fund can provide peace of mind in case of unexpected expenses.
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Health Anxiety

Health anxiety, or hypochondriasis in extreme cases, emerges when concerns about one’s health become overwhelming. This can be due to actual physical conditions or an obsession with the possibility of declining health. For instance, discovering prolonged exposure to cancer-causing materials like asbestos in a workplace can trigger intense health-related anxiety. The physical manifestations of stress and anxiety can exacerbate these concerns, creating a vicious cycle if not addressed.

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Addressing health anxiety may require regular check-ups with a healthcare provider to alleviate concerns about physical health. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be highly effective in managing health-related worries, thereby reducing the needs for repeated visits to your doctor. Educate yourself about your health concerns and engage in self-care practices like regular exercise and a balanced diet.
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Seeking Help for Anxiety

Anxiety can affect every aspect of your life, from your daily routines to your long-term goals and well-being. If you’re struggling with anxiety and it’s interfering with your ability to live life to the fullest, you don’t have to face it alone. At Gate Healing, PLLC, we understand the challenges that anxiety can pose, and we’re here to help you overcome them. Our research-based interventions and compassionate support can make a significant difference in your journey to managing anxiety effectively.

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For comprehensive counseling on anxiety, please explore Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has been dedicated to the helping profession since 1990. He completed his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994 and earned his Master’s degree in 1997 from the University of Minnesota. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, he is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. In addition, Jonathan completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling and received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing in 1998. For more about Jonathan’s practice, visit Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

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A Practical Guide for Teenagers to Beat Social Anxiety
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Social anxiety is a common challenge that many teenagers face. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and that there are effective strategies to help you manage and overcome these feelings. In this blog post, we’ll provide you with practical advice and tools to navigate social anxiety, build self-confidence, and thrive in various social situations.

1. Understanding Social Anxiety: Recognize that social anxiety is a natural response to unfamiliar or potentially judgmental situations. It’s okay to feel nervous, but understanding the triggers and recognizing the physical and emotional sensations can help you address them.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Practice identifying and challenging negative thoughts that contribute to your anxiety. Replace them with more realistic and positive self-talk. Remember that nobody is perfect, and everyone experiences moments of uncertainty.
3. Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques: Deep breathing exercises and relaxation techniques can help calm your body’s stress response. Practice these techniques regularly to build your ability to manage anxiety in real-time situations.
4. Preparation is Key: Prepare for social situations by having conversation starters or topics in mind. This can help alleviate the fear of running out of things to say and boost your confidence.
5. Start Small: Gradually expose yourself to social situations that make you anxious. Start with low-pressure environments and gradually work your way up to more challenging situations. Celebrate each step you take, no matter how small.
6. Positive Visualization: Visualize yourself successfully navigating social situations with ease and confidence. This technique can help rewire your brain to associate positive outcomes with social interactions.
7. Focus on Listening: Instead of worrying about what to say, focus on being a good listener. Ask open-ended questions and show genuine interest in others. This takes the pressure off you to come up with constant conversation topics.
8. Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that you don’t have to be the life of the party or the center of attention. Focus on connecting with one or two people at a time and forming meaningful connections.
9. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remember that everyone makes social blunders from time to time, and these moments do not define your worth.
10. Seek Professional Support: If social anxiety significantly impacts your daily life, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. They can provide personalized strategies and techniques to manage anxiety effectively.

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Managing social anxiety as a teenager is about taking small steps, building your confidence, and embracing your uniqueness. By understanding the triggers, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing relaxation techniques, you can gradually overcome social anxiety and thrive in various social situations. Remember that progress takes time, so be patient with yourself and celebrate your achievements along the way. With the right tools and a positive mindset, you can conquer social anxiety and unlock a world of opportunities for personal growth and meaningful connections.

*Published August 22, 2023

Learn more about Managing Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

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Strategies for Healing and Well-being
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Discover effective strategies for managing post-COVID anxiety and regaining a sense of peace and well-being. This blog post explores the lasting impact of anxiety following the pandemic and offers practical tips to navigate this challenging period. If you’re seeking support, our compassionate counselors are here to help you on your healing journey.

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Explore the different ways post-COVID anxiety may manifest
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• Social Anxiety: Coping with unease in social situations and crowded environments.
• Health Anxiety: Managing excessive worry about personal and loved ones’ health.
• Uncertainty and Future Concerns: Addressing anxieties about the long-term effects of the pandemic and financial stability.
• Emotional Exhaustion: Dealing with ongoing stress and burnout.

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• Seek Professional Support: Find solace in therapy with a qualified mental health professional who can offer tailored guidance and strategies for healing.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Nurture your well-being through exercise, balanced nutrition, quality sleep, and relaxation techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness.
• Gradual Exposure: Overcome social anxiety by taking small steps to reintegrate into social settings, starting with trusted individuals and gradually expanding your interactions.
• Challenge Anxious Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic, positive perspectives through cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques.
• Establish a Routine: Create a structured daily routine to foster stability and regain a sense of control.
• Stay Informed Mindfully: Stay updated on COVID-19 from reliable sources, but set boundaries to avoid information overload and excessive news consumption.
• Reach Out for Support: Connect with friends, family, and support networks to share experiences and seek emotional support.

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Post-COVID anxiety is a natural response to the uncertainties of the pandemic, but you can regain your well-being. Implement these coping strategies and reach out to our experienced counselors for professional support. Together, we’ll help you find healing and embrace a brighter future.

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*updated October 6 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

When we are run down, tired, stressed, burnt out, etc. we tend to think that our worst fears are absolutely coming true. How many of us have gone into a meeting with a boss certain that we were about to get fired? That fear, however, was just motivating us to be prepared for the meeting; prepared to accept responsibility for an incomplete project, or numbers that were not up to standard. Then we get to the meeting only to be offered some encouraging words from our boss. When we went in all stressed out, we were convinced that termination was imminent. Except that it wasn’t.

There are many times in our lives when our fear is trying to prevent catastrophe, not predict it. Mindfulness helps you know the difference.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Teenage Anxiety: Listen, Validate, Teach

Like depression, teenage anxiety is a pretty common experience for adolescents. Whether it’s the jitters when it’s time to get in front of the class to present a report or the butterflies that show up when talking to someone they like, it’s a pretty universal experience. But for some teenagers, anxiety can be debilitating and actually lead to very real depression.

Anxiety is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously. It may be normal anxiety, but if it’s not, taking the time to listen to your teen will help a great deal. In either case, you’ll need to teach them self-soothing skills.

The rule of thumb when dealing with teenagers is to avoid lecturing them. Instead, listen to them and be curious about their experiences, even if you think they are being dramatic. Reflect back to them what you are hearing them express. Let them know that it’s ok to feel nervous even if it doesn’t feel so ok (that’s the validating piece).

Here are some suggestions to offer them:

• Meditate, Breathe – Smooth, relaxed belly breathing. Inhale and let the belly fall out, inhale and pull the belly back in. This can help them calm down.
• Use aromatherapy – Smells like lavender and vanilla are well-known to facilitate relaxation. It may or may not completely alleviate the anxiety, but it will help take the edge off.
• Do something active –  Engaging in physical exercise not only gets healthy chemicals flowing that can offset anxiety, but it also distracts them from the cause of the anxiety.
• Do something creative –  Being creative engages other parts of the brain and helps relieve anxiety through the distraction principle. Encourage your teen to create art, music, or anything that helps them feel better.
• Journal –  Writing down their thoughts can help them externalize and lessen their burden.
• Elevate legs –  Lying down and elevating their legs can help them calm down by keeping the blood at the core organs.

Remember to praise your teen’s efforts to manage their anxiety, and share with them what has worked for you. Even if they roll their eyes and say, “That’ll never work for me,” that’s normal teenage obstinance; you’ve planted the seed. By listening, validating, and teaching, you can help your teen manage their anxiety and lead a healthier, happier life.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Understanding Different Forms of Romantic Anxiety

When it comes to dating and romantic intimacy, there are various anxieties that people experience. Although these fears are related to each other, each form of romantic anxiety has distinct differences. Some of these fears include:

1. Fear of Connection (Related to Social Anxiety)
   1. Associated fears: commitment, affection/intimacy, loss of independence, being loved/accepted, being overwhelmed
2. Fear of Performance
   1. Associated fears: having to work too hard, failure, sexual performance, making a mistake in who you pick
3. Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody
   1. Associated fears: being rejected or rejecting somebody
4. Fear of the Unknown

Fear of Connection

The fear of connection is often related to social anxiety, and it involves various associated fears:

Fear of Commitment

For some people, the idea of making a commitment is overwhelming. They feel that committing to a relationship means taking on too much responsibility and giving up their independence. This particular fear is often rooted in other fears, as discussed in this article. Commitment can sometimes seem like committing to a lifetime of fear and uncertainty.

Fear of Affection/Intimacy

A fear of affection or intimacy goes beyond just being uncomfortable with public displays of affection or physical touch. It is an associated fear of connecting with others at a deeper level, and then having to cement that connection with a physical expression. People may also be unsure of how to show intimacy properly or be worried about being “too intense” or “clingy.”

Fear of Loss of Independence

The fear of losing one’s independence is a common fear in men. It often stems from a misunderstanding of expectations in a relationship. A good match for a person should strike a comfortable balance that allows for independent expression. Most people enjoy having some time away from their partners to cultivate their own hobbies and friendships, which can help them grow and develop as individuals.

Fear of Being Loved and Accepted

For some, being loved and accepted for who they are is so unfamiliar that the idea of dating is terrifying. This fear may be connected to childhood abuse, where “love” was expressed in inappropriate ways (e.g., sexual abuse, violent discipline). Avoiding a loving relationship seems to be a matter of survival for these individuals.

Fear of Being Overwhelmed

Some people experience the emotional rollercoaster of romance as completely overwhelming rather than exciting and fun. The emotions they experience can flood them, and what most people would call “excitement” feels more like anxiety to them.

Fear of Performance

Fear of Sexual Performance

One of the most common types of performance anxiety in romantic relationships is the fear of not performing well in the bedroom. Thanks to the internet, hardcore pornography is only a few clicks away, and it presents an unrealistic image of what sex looks like. However, even without porn, men and women worry about how well they perform sexually. In most cases, it is a passing concern that becomes less bothersome as a couple becomes familiar with each other’s likes and dislikes.

For some men, the idea of sexual performance is complicated by the need to maintain an erection and not being able to fake an orgasm. If there is an issue once or twice, then the very anxiety that caused performance issues in the first place begins to build, making it very circular. However, there is help available if you need it. You can contact us at jonathan@gatehealing.com.

Fear of Having to Work Too Hard

This fear is not about being lazy, but rather, it is related to the fear of actually succeeding in a relationship and being “obligated” to give up the single lifestyle, to do all the small and big things that make a relationship work. However, the fear is not based on reality; you do not have to be “on duty” 24/7. In fact, you should have your interests and a life of your own to enjoy. Fear of dating and romance is often fueled by the idea of having to be on duty all the time.

Fear of Making a Mistake in Who You Pick

We have all heard the saying that people tend to seek out partners who remind them of one of their parents. When this realization sinks in, people sometimes become fearful of actually picking somebody like their mother or father, particularly if there was a painful relationship with them growing up. However, parents are not the only source of this fear; having a series of relationships that end badly can also trigger this fear. You might think, “What if I choose somebody like that again? I don’t know if I could handle it.”
The fear of hurting somebody’s feelings by breaking up with them is also a very real contributor to avoiding dating due to picking the wrong person. We will deal with this in the next section, “Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody Else.”

Fear of Being Hurt or Hurting Somebody Else

Fear of Rejection

Nobody wants to be rejected, of course. But for some, the experience is so painful that they believe being alone is less painful than rejection. One of the most common reasons for this is that for some, rejection means that there is something wrong with them. They may think that they can’t date “correctly” or that repeated rejections are “proof” that they are unlikeable, unattractive, or unworthy of dating. However, help is available for this fear. Using a mindfulness-based approach, you can notice that rejection is more about the preferences of the other person than a commentary on you. It is a gradual process, quicker for some, and slower for others, but if you start today, you will be closer to the happy place where you can begin to enjoy dating. Contact us at jonathan@gatehealing.com for help.

Fear of Rejecting Somebody

While being rejected is difficult for many, the idea of hurting somebody else’s feelings is even worse. This is a common fear among people who have experienced heartbreak acutely and tend to be very empathetic, sometimes overly so. For kind-hearted individuals who have been devastated by heartbreak, the prospect of putting another person through that experience is terrifying. This fear is not only rooted in empathy but also in anticipatory guilt where they feel guilty about hurting somebody’s feelings before even starting to date. This fear is closely related to anticipatory anxiety.

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the unknown includes questions like:

• Will this work or not?
• Will he/she continue to be like they are now?
• What if we fall out of love?
• What if they don’t like me down the road?

Fear of the unknown is full of “What ifs” in life and prevents us from living in the present moment. When we dwell on past pain or ruminate on potential future heartbreak, we miss out on the only moment where life actually exists: Right NOW!

If you are tired of living in fear of dating, please get in touch. This fear can be dealt with, and you deserve to overcome it!

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Ever get nervous about becoming uncomfortably anxious before you’re even in an anxiety-provoking situation? It’s like looking over your shoulder, wondering when your boss is going to catch you surfing the internet at work because you know that you’ll get in trouble for it.

Anticipatory anxiety is not exactly classic fear though; it is more of a meta-fear, or ‘fear of fear.’ And while you may have seen terms like “Anticipatory Anxiety Disorder,” it is not so much of a disorder as it is a symptom of various types of anxiety like social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and performance anxiety. And it can be managed. And there are actually some healthy manifestations of it. Let’s talk about the difference between healthy and unhealthy anticipatory anxiety.

How can it be healthy?

I know a lot of eyebrows went up on that one, so I want to address it right away. When you’re standing in line for an exciting new roller coaster and you get those butterflies in your stomach, that’s a healthy, and fun version of anticipatory anxiety. Your body knows there’s some kind of risk implied with all of those loops and turns, but your mind knows that you’re safe and will be strapped in . . . your anticipation of defying gravity creates the heightened state of awareness (Remember, anxiety is just a heightened state of awareness).

Also, consider the following common situation when parenting tweens and teens benefit from leveraging anticipatory anxiety:

If you’ve said it once, you’ve said it a thousand times, “Hang up your backpack and jacket on the coat rack before playing your X-box!” but it just doesn’t seem to get through! If you have not followed through on any sort of consequences, then your kiddo has not learned that you’ll do anything to help them remember, so they continue to just toss their stuff on the floor for you to trip over.

Now we do not want our kids to fear us, that is unhealthy and can present some serious socializing problems. We do, however, want them to know that if they don’t hang their stuff up like we’ve told them, there will be uncomfortable/inconvenient consequences every single time (consistency is the key here . . . see the Parenting post). So here is how we leverage anticipatory anxiety: Tell your kiddo that when they do not hang their stuff up, you will immediately unplug the X-box, even if they are in a game (or after a 2-minute warning if you like). Then, you MUST follow through (and if you give them a warning, you MUST follow through exactly after that specific time interval–not after they “finish this round” or “get to a save point”). After a few times of having their X-box unplugged and losing their progress, they will begin to look over their shoulder if they do not hang their stuff up . . . in other words, they will be anticipating your follow through and anxiously be looking for you. Now there is an incentive for them to just make things easy and bypass the anticipatory anxiety by simply hanging up their backpack and jacket. (This also works great if they have friends over as the friends will nag them to just hang up their stuff–in essence, their friends become your best allies!).

The key here is calm, consistent follow-through on your part . . . otherwise, your words become empty threats that carry no incentive to change.

I can almost hear the wheels turning now on how to leverage this dynamic of anticipatory anxiety. Don’t overdo it though, anything in excess becomes toxic.

When it is toxic

I have mentioned in other posts what my mother referred to as “borrowing trouble.” It’s where you start becoming anxious about something that has not even happened. It differs from healthy anticipatory anxiety in that there is no evidence that the feared outcome will even occur. In relationships (social, romantic, and/or professional) this can lead to anticipatory defensiveness, where you become defensive before a conversation has even begun.

When you become anxious about becoming anxious, or fearful of fear, you enter into a toxic mindset that is not conducive to successful outcomes. You may find yourself engaged in an argument with somebody that is not even in the room, or talking yourself out of doing something new without giving yourself a chance to even see what happens.

How to deal with anticipatory anxiety

When you are able to, leverage it (see the parenting example). Otherwise, use your mindfulness practice to help you become aware of what is really going on behind the anticipatory anxiety. Usually, you will find that there is another fear, often rooted in the unconscious mind, that explains why you are trying to protect yourself from an invisible threat. As you become clear on this, remind yourself that anxiety of any type is simply a heightened state of awareness that is trying to help you pay attention so that you can protect yourself from a potential threat. In the case of anticipatory anxiety, however, the alert is backfiring because the actual circumstance has not occurred and therefore poses no threat. You can leverage your mindfulness by planning for how to respond should the anxiety-provoking circumstance actually arise. For example, if you are anxious about going to a party with co-workers, but you are not sure if you’ll fit in, you can consider how to head out a bit early should anxiety kick in. Frequently, just knowing that there are options for you helps you not experience the actual feared situation in the first place. Of course, breathe and practice some relaxation techniques like progressive relaxation.

Mindfulness also means really taking stock of your experience. What is your body telling you? Are you breathing calmly? Are you borrowing trouble? Are your thoughts going 1000 miles per hour, or are you calmly contemplating your situation? Try to keep in mind that borrowing trouble does not somehow endow you with the ability to predict the future, although the trouble being borrowed may have you convinced that you can. You cannot.

What you are going for with this mindfulness practice guided by self-examination is a grasp on reality that gives you just a glimmer of relief, even if only for a moment. With practice, the relief lasts longer, and the episodes of anxiety diminish. You’ll notice that most often, your circumstances are not as dire as they may seem when you magnify them with borrowed trouble.

Learn more about Counseling for Anxiety in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.