Category: Couples and Marriage Counseling

[av_heading heading=’A Practical Guide for Managing Conflict’ tag=’h2′ style=’blockquote modern-quote modern-left’ subheading_active=’subheading_below’ show_icon=” icon=’ue800′ font=’entypo-fontello’ size=” av-desktop-font-size-title=” av-medium-font-size-title=” av-small-font-size-title=” av-mini-font-size-title=” subheading_size=” av-desktop-font-size=” av-medium-font-size=” av-small-font-size=” av-mini-font-size=” icon_size=” av-desktop-font-size-1=” av-medium-font-size-1=” av-small-font-size-1=” av-mini-font-size-1=” color=” custom_font=” subheading_color=” seperator_color=” icon_color=” margin=” margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ headline_padding=” headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-headline_padding=” av-desktop-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-headline_padding=” av-medium-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-small-headline_padding=” av-small-headline_padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-headline_padding=” av-mini-headline_padding_sync=’true’ padding=’10’ av-desktop-padding=” av-medium-padding=” av-small-padding=” av-mini-padding=” icon_padding=’10’ av-desktop-icon_padding=” av-medium-icon_padding=” av-small-icon_padding=” av-mini-icon_padding=” link=” link_target=” title_attr=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-1zrteuq’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]How to use effective conflict skills to deepen connection and understanding
[/av_heading][av_button label=’Schedule An Appointment’ icon_select=’no’ icon=’ue800′ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=” margin_sync=’true’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-nqhqav’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]
In any relationship, conflicts are bound to happen. However, it’s not the absence of conflict but how we manage it that truly matters. As a Level II trained Gottman couples therapist, I’m here to share some insights and techniques rooted in the Gottman Method to help you navigate conflicts in your relationship more effectively.

Tune in to Emotions

According to the Gottman Method, understanding and expressing emotions are crucial for managing conflict effectively.

• Expressing feelings

Take time to identify and express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel frustrated when…” rather than placing blame on your partner with a “you” statement like, “You always tell me what to do.” This helps create a safe environment for open communication.

• Understanding feelings

Active listening is a cornerstone of the Gottman Method. When your partner speaks, focus on truly understanding their perspective without interrupting or formulating your response. Reflect on what you heard to ensure understanding. Ask questions if you aren’t sure about what your partner is expressing. This promotes empathy and validation, essential for managing conflicts constructively.

Learn to De-escalate

During heated moments, it’s crucial to de-escalate tensions to facilitate productive communication. Take a break if needed to cool off and regain composure. Use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or visualization to manage stress. Returning to the conversation when both partners are calmer fosters a more constructive dialogue. If your partner is attempting to bring tensions down, accept this influence. It will help each of you feel more respected and understood.

Develop Effective Conflict Management Skills

The Gottman Method offers practical tools for managing conflict with effective dialogue. Techniques such as compromise, negotiation, and finding common ground are emphasized. Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on past grievances. Remember, conflicts can be opportunities for growth and understanding when approached with patience and cooperation.

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Conclusion

By incorporating these Gottman Method principles into your relationship, you can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. Seeking the guidance of a Gottman therapist like Jonathan can provide personalized support and further enhance your relationship’s resilience.

For more information on the Gottman Method or to schedule a counseling session, feel free to reach out to us. We’re here to support you on your journey to a happier, healthier relationship.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Improving Communication in Relationships

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. However, what if you could avoid unnecessary tension and conflict by feeling heard and understood at the beginning of a disagreement? If you feel like your opinions and feelings are respected and valued, you’re more likely to reach an understanding efficiently. For example, when discussing finances with your partner, feeling like an equal participant in the decision-making process can lead to a more productive and less upsetting conversation. Unfortunately, asking for help with communication can be challenging.

Fair and Unbiased Couples Counseling

This is where I come in. As a counselor, I can help you communicate with your partner effectively and help them understand the true purpose of couples counseling. I can also help you express your willingness to work on issues that may be causing conflict in your relationship. It’s important to communicate that I am an unbiased supporter who is there to help both sides equally. Once people see this in action, they’re often more willing to engage in couples counseling.

Two Types of Relationship Problems

In relationships, there are two types of problems: content and process.

• Content problems involve what you argue about, such as money, intimacy, and parenting (money being the most common, followed by intimacy and parenting).
• Process problems, on the other hand, involve how you go about resolving those content problems. In my experience, the most common process conflict occurs when both partners believe they are correct from their perspective.

Understanding Relationship Dynamics

Any relationship between two people has three dynamics at play:

1. Your dynamics,
2. Your partner’s dynamics,
3. The relationship’s dynamics. The relationship’s dynamics are not simply a co-mingling of your and your partner’s dynamics; it includes both of you but also has some unique manifestations of its own. It’s essential to consider all three dynamics when working to improve your relationship. Having a fuller picture of what you’re dealing with makes it easier to find common ground and workable solutions.

When to Seek Couples Counseling

Marriage and relationships are not always as easy as they appear in the movies or our fantasies. They require work, and it’s not always easy to see the rhyme or reason for the dance. However, if you or your partner consistently feel apathetic about working on the relationship, couples counseling becomes vital. Ideally, you should begin using communication skills, counseling, and mutual respect before apathy sets in. Being mindful of the direction your relationship is heading can help prevent apathy from setting in.

As with many things in life, following through on these ideas can be difficult. However, persistence and consistency are powerful tools to have in your arsenal. If you’re looking for additional resources, books like “The Relationship Cure” and “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” can help improve your relationship.

Updated December 5, 2023

To learn more about how to fix red flags in relationships, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

How Happy Couples Manage Conflict and Communicate Effectively

As a couples therapist, I’m often asked how happy couples make it work. The answer is consistent: when they disagree, they know they can talk about it. In this article, we’ll explore some effective strategies happy couples use to manage conflict and communicate effectively.

The trait most responsible for happy, lifelong relationships is the ability to communicate that you are listening and that you understand what your partner is trying to say, even if you disagree with it.

Manage Conflict

Research by the Drs. Gottman and Levenson at the University of Washington (Gottman and Levenson, 1999) show that nearly 70% of conflict in a happy, healthy relationship is perpetual, meaning it doesn’t get resolved in the traditional sense of the word. However, conflict itself is not correlated with relationship failure. What makes healthy relationships successful is that happy couples can have a discussion about the conflict rather than getting stuck in gridlock. So, learning to manage conflict through a healthy discussion is important. If you’re looking to learn more about this, check out Gottman Method Couples Counseling.

Seek to Understand Before Seeking to Be Understood

When it comes to communication, a good rule of thumb is a Stephen Covey phrase: “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” This means that when you want to be heard and understood, it helps to hear and understand the other person first. This approach helps them focus on your message rather than trying to be heard. Remember, understanding your partner’s perspective does NOT mean that you agree with it or support it; you’ll have more luck having your side heard if you show that you hear their side first.

Know When to Take a Break

Sometimes, in the process of seeking to understand, people get heated because they hear things differently or forget to hear the other person first. Knowing when to take a break is essential. Taking a break needs to be done in an effective way to get the full benefit. Saying something like, “Woah, this is getting tense. Let’s take a 30-minute break and then try again” is helpful. The key point is to not engage in criticism or blame AND to specify a time limit. The time limit prevents one person from hanging in limbo wondering when they will be heard. During the break, each person should practice self-soothing techniques like breathing, meditation, yoga, hobbies, etc. and when possible, be in different rooms/areas. Depending on the intensity of the conflict, the break should be at least 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours.

Repair Hurt Feelings

Because so much conflict isn’t technically resolved, there are times when people’s feelings get hurt. A healthy, happy relationship can withstand this so long as the offending party (which is often both) makes a “repair attempt” where the hurt feelings are acknowledged and some kind of repair is offered (an apology is only one example of a repair effort).

By using these strategies, happy couples can manage conflict and communicate effectively without getting drawn into the negative emotions that can damage their relationship.

*Gottman, J.M., and Levenson, R.W. “What predicts change in marital interactions over time? A study of alternative models.” Family Process Journal. 38.2 (1999): 143-58. Print

Updated December 5, 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Why Men Are Averse to Couples Counseling

It is a common misconception that men are “less emotional” than women. The truth is that men experience emotions just as much as women do, but they may express them differently or keep them to themselves. Additionally, the unique biochemistry and subtle brain structure differences between men and women can result in different feelings and responses to conflict management and problem-solving. While men and women are more alike than different, these differences can sometimes cause confusion and tension in relationships.

Processing vs. Fixing

One of the differences that stands out is the tendency for women to prefer processing and discussing how to manage conflict and problem-solve, while men tend to prefer simply fixing the issue with less discussion. While this dynamic is not true for all men and women, on average, it tends to be pretty accurate and can lead to conflict.

Counseling Feels Like a Process-Driven Activity

Given that counseling tends to be about discussing conflict management and problem-solving, it may feel more natural for women to align with more process-driven people. Yes, the process is aimed at resolving (fixing) an issue, but to men, it may seem more efficient to just skip to the solution; whereas, for women, the process IS part of the solution. You can see the rub.

“I Don’t Want to Feel Ganged Up On”

Historically, men have seen couples counseling as a place where the counselor and their spouse gang up on them and tell them everything they are doing wrong and how they need to change. This perception is not accurate. A skilled couples counselor will help both partners see their flaws and will not allow the process to be one-sided.

“I Don’t Want to Get Bogged Down by Just Talking About Feelings”

Another common experience for men is feeling that counseling is only about discussing emotions and that if they don’t cry, they aren’t doing it right. This belief is also untrue. A good couples counselor will create space for emotional expression and intellectual discussion of how to fix issues. If they don’t, it’s probably best to find another counselor.

How to Talk to Men About Couples Counseling

As a Gottman Method Couples Counselor, I teach the importance of understanding the other person’s perspective before attempting to persuade them to change theirs. This is particularly essential when discussing couples counseling with men. Here are a few suggestions:

• • Begin by checking out what you think he is saying. In many cases, it is important to have a neutral, matter-of-fact tone, but you know your husband’s style.
  • Simply summarize his perspective to be sure you understand him. For now, just summarize his perspective without offering your opinion. Once he feels heard and understood, he will be more open to hearing your perspective.
  • Describe what you both agree on regarding having a healthy, happy relationship. “I know we both want to enjoy our lives together.”
  • Ask him what he needs from you. This can help you understand his needs and how to meet them better. You can mention couples counseling as a way to learn more about each other’s perspectives and needs.
  • If he is concerned about being ganged up on, offer reassurance that the therapist will not take sides and that his concerns are valid. Let him know that he should be included in choosing a therapist; and that he can talk to them one-on-one to get a better feel for their style.
  • Be patient and give him time to think about it. Trying to force a decision can shut down communication. Keep the dialogue going.

Updated December 5, 2023

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Relationship Decisions: Making Sense of Thoughts & Feelings

Many people struggle with relationship decisions, and it’s not always easy to know what to do. Questions like whether to commit, have kids, propose, or deal with different needs for alone time can be challenging. But remember, gaining clarity on where you stand is not the same thing as making a final decision; it’s just clarity. Here are some tips for gaining clarity and making informed decisions about relationships:

1. Pros and Cons list: Write down the pros and cons of each choice you are facing. Take a few days to do this, as various items will come to you at random times. You may find more advanced versions of this list helpful, such as the weighted pros and cons, which allows you to add a number from 1 to 10 to each item to indicate its importance.
2. Four Square Pros and Cons: This advanced version of the pros and cons list allows your brain to consider each perspective from opposite perspectives. To create the Four Square, divide a piece of paper into 4 equal sections and label them as follows: “Pros of taking the new job,” “Cons of taking the new job,” “Pros of NOT taking the new job,” and “Cons of NOT taking the new job.” Add weights to each item to indicate its importance.
3. Journaling: Writing about your feelings and thoughts can be a cathartic experience that helps you gain clarity on your decision. Try to focus on a gratitude journal that retrains your brain to look for opportunities to feel better. Having a separate journal to vent problems about the relationship can be ok, but avoid reviewing it unless you are reflecting on gratitude for what you have overcome.
4. Talk to people you trust: Be sure to respect the other person’s privacy and discuss only what you feel comfortable sharing. Examples of people you may trust include family, close friends, teachers, counselors, and clergy.
5. Meditate: A mindfulness practice like meditation can help you rewire your brain to be clearer. Practicing for just 3-5 minutes in the morning and evening can be effective, but 10-15 minutes is even better. When practiced daily, you increase connectivity and neuronal growth in the left medial prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for pleasant feelings and attitudes like gratitude and optimism.
6. Pay attention to your intuition: Your intuition is an emotion-based experience that comes from the unconscious mind. Trusting your feelings can help you make a decision without being encumbered by things like analysis paralysis.

Remember, gaining clarity on your decision is just the first step. It is important to communicate your feelings and thoughts to your partner and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

*Updated July 18, 2023

To learn more about relationship dynamics, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

What is Emotional Rent in Relationships?

In the world of relationships, the concept of “emotional rent” is a powerful one. It revolves around the idea that in certain relationships, one partner may feel they’re paying a price just to receive emotional support or have their needs met. This often manifests in toxic behaviors from the other person, like passive-aggressive guilt trips, controlling behaviors, entitlement, manipulation, and other similar actions. As a seasoned counselor, I’m here to shed light on this concept and guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships where you aren’t paying emotional rent.

Weighing the Emotional Rent: Is It Worth It?

It’s vital to remember that no relationship is perfect, and every partnership has its share of ups and downs. However, what truly matters is whether the cost of dealing with these difficulties is worth the benefits you receive from the relationship. Are you ready to explore how much emotional rent you’re paying in your relationship?

Navigating Emotional Rent: The Role of Couples Counseling

If you’ve found yourself in a relationship where the emotional toll is starting to outweigh the rewards, it’s time to take action and seek the support you deserve. Fortunately, there are resources available, such as couples therapy or counseling, designed to help you navigate the complexities of your relationship and make informed decisions about your future.

Your Well-Being Matters: You Deserve Better

At GateHealing, we understand that prioritizing your well-being and mental health is paramount. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and supported. We specialize in couples counseling and offer a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore the concept of emotional rent and its impact on your relationship. Our goal is to empower you to make choices that align with your happiness and emotional well-being.

Learn more about how Couples Counseling can help your relationship thrive!

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Tips for Couples Moving in Together: Navigating the Journey

Moving in together is a significant step in any couple’s journey. It’s a time of excitement, adjustment, and shared experiences. While it’s an opportunity to deepen your connection, it also comes with its unique set of challenges. In this blog post, we’ll explore practical tips for couples embarking on this new adventure, helping you navigate the transition smoothly and strengthen your bond along the way.

1. Communication is Key

Open and honest communication is the foundation of a successful transition. Discuss your expectations, boundaries, and shared goals. Address concerns or anxieties as they arise, and make a commitment to keeping the lines of communication open throughout your journey. It is critical that you and your partner be familiar with how to navigate conflict. It is a normal and healthy part of any relationship; do not shy away from it.

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What the Professionals Say

Did you know that 70% of conflict in healthy, happy, LIFELONG relationships is perpetual? It’s true! According to the Gottman Institute, most conflict in happy relationships is perpetual, or recurrent. This information can take the pressure off of couples when they move in together because it means that conflict does not mean a relationship is in trouble. Rather, relationship experts like the Gottmans and Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s agree that when communication is effective, conflict serves as a way to connect with one another. In other words, when conflict is managed effectively (vs being “resolved,” or “fixed”) instead of being stuck in gridlock, couples learn about one another and get to build a stronger relationship. Embrace conflict, but do so using healthy communication where you strive to understand the other person before striving to be understood. This is called “Postponing Persuasion.”

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2. Merge Your Styles

Moving in together often means combining two households, each with its own style and belongings. Take the time to blend your tastes and make joint decisions about decor and living arrangements. Compromise is key, and it’s an opportunity to create a space that feels like home for both of you.

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What the Professionals Say

When finding compromise it is important to first identify 1) Your dealbreakers. These are areas where are you not willing to negotiate at all, and 2) Your flexibilities, or places where you can negotiate. Begin by looking for overlap where each of you is willing to negotiate a bit. Be willing to concede some of your preferences in return for your partner doing the same. When dealing with issues where each of you is not willing to budge, look for adaptations like alternating days or weeks. A normal, healthy relationship will run into these when you move in. Healthy communication helps you find the compromises and adaptations.

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3. Define Responsibilities

Establish clear roles and responsibilities within your shared living space. Discuss chores, finances, and day-to-day tasks. A fair division of responsibilities ensures that neither partner feels overwhelmed or burdened by the demands of daily life.

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What the Professionals Say

A healthy relationship shares responsibilities. Effective communication helps a couple define who does what and when. A great way to define things is for each person to take a few minutes and write down various tasks that they either enjoy or don’t mind doing, followed by tasks that you’d rather not do. Usually, when you compare these lists, 80% of the assignments are obvious. The main issue is when both people don’t want to do something. In this case, there are many options for managing this:

• Alternate days or weeks for the task
• Flip a coin when it comes time for the task to be done
• One person agrees to take on undesirable task A, and the other person agrees to take on undesirable task B.

The bottom line is to communicate. When you need help or would like to swap a task, just ask! You might be surprised how easy it is to compromise and adapt to responsibilities when both people approach them with the assumption of connectivity and optimism.

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4. Respect Personal Space

Even in a shared living situation, it’s essential to respect each other’s need for personal space and time alone. Create designated areas where each partner can retreat when they need a break or some solitude. Balancing togetherness with individuality is vital.

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What the Professionals Say

A dynamic that many couples who have moved in together face is quiet time together. In a healthy relationship, a couple can spend hours in a room together without speaking a word, and yet still feel deeply connected. That same couple is able to be away from each other and enjoy the break. It gives each person time to have their own interests and hobbies. It also allows each person the chance to miss the other person and look forward to seeing them!

Different people have different needs in regard to personal space; one person may need quite a bit, while the other may not need much at all. Once again, communication is critical! Most conflict couples experience when moving in will show up over and over again . . . this means that perpetual conflict is not something you need to worry about IF you have a solid communication skill set that helps you adapt and meet each other’s needs, or compromise around them.

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5. Financial Planning

Money matters can be a significant source of stress for couples. Discuss your financial goals, create a budget, and decide how expenses will be shared. Transparency about money can help prevent conflicts down the road.

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What the Professionals Say

By far, the number one issue that creates conflict among couples who have moved in together is money. Finances represent power, control, and security, and therefore have strong feelings associated with them. Talk to a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) about how to manage your finances and determine areas that you would do well to talk about. Examples include conversations about planning for long-term security (retirement) AND short-term security (trips to the hospital, or even protecting mental health with vacations). Start by simply hearing each other’s position and make an effort to see the wisdom, even if it is different from your perspective. You are NOT abandoning your position by simply showing that you understand theirs!

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6. Nurture Your Relationship

Don’t let the practicalities of daily life overshadow your romantic connection. Continue to date each other, plan special moments, and keep the romance alive. Prioritize quality time together to strengthen your bond.

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What the Professionals Say

A common mistake some couples make is that they stop “courting” each other after they move in together. It is important to show regular expressions of Fondness and Admiration (a dynamic discussed in the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling). Sweep her off her feet once in a while. Surprise him with a night of his favorite activities. The small gestures, like picking up a “Thinking of You” card and mailing it is a nice surprise (yes, snail mail . . . people love getting surprise snail mail!). Protect date nights and double date nights. They are the glue that keeps your relationship together.

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7. Patience and Flexibility

Moving in together is a process of adjustment. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you adapt to your new living situation. Flexibility and a willingness to compromise will serve you well.

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What the Professionals Say

When couples move in together, there are more opportunities to drive each other crazy! You start to see each other’s quirks and foibles. The smaller things like mildly noisy chewing seem to become bigger since they become more frequent, and you don’t have the option of escaping to your own place. However, some couples who lease apartments still have time left on their lease and this gives them the option to stay at their own home for a bit. Experts tend to agree that this should be a last-ditch option. Using effective communication helps couples see that they can stay in the same bed together even if they are upset. By making this a practice, couples are able to strengthen their bond.

At least for the first couple of months, consider having a planned meeting once a week where each of you has the chance to address any issues that could build into resentments if left unaddressed. Have a consistent neutral location for this, ideally NOT the bedroom. The kitchen table is a common meeting space. Be specific: One hour after dinner at the kitchen table. The meeting is 30-60 minutes (this can be extended). Have signals that indicate that a 20-minute break is needed.

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8. Conflict Management

Video: Managing Conflict Effectively
–Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s

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Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. Develop healthy conflict resolution strategies, such as active listening and compromise. Seek to understand each other’s perspectives and work together to find solutions.

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What the Professionals Say

According to Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. at the Gottman Institute, there are four types of communication that can impede a couple’s understanding of one another. He refers to these toxic dynamics as the Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling

He adds that Belligerence and Blame are also toxic, but tend to be seen as types of the other horsemen. If you feel like these are common issues during conflict, please get in touch so we can help you neutralize their effects. It is much easier than you may think!

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9. Seek Support if Needed

If challenges arise that feel too overwhelming to handle alone, don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist or counselor. Professional guidance can provide valuable tools and insights for navigating complex issues.

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What the Professionals Say

Seeking couples counseling is not a sign that your relationship is “broken.” As a matter of fact, the sooner you seek support, the easier managing conflict tends to be. Even complex conflict is manageable in couples counseling since it teaches you how to keep your cool and how to communicate effectively. A quality couples therapist will design your sessions so that you don’t need to have them around to manage your conflict for you; the idea is to graduate you from couples therapy so that you can manage things on your own. Of course, you are free to return at any time to manage circumstances or just to do some preventative maintenance.

If you feel like your relationship could benefit from couples counseling, please get in touch with us to get started.

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10. Celebrate Milestones

Moving in together is a significant milestone in your relationship. Take time to celebrate it. Create rituals or traditions that mark the occasion and strengthen your sense of partnership.

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What the Professionals Say

Celebrating milestones in a relationship, especially for couples who have moved in together, reinforces their commitment, creates lasting memories, and strengthens their emotional connection. Couples counseling professionals like Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s emphasize the importance of these celebrations as they contribute to a healthy and enduring partnership. It’s a way to acknowledge the progress made, the challenges overcome, and the growth experienced together. Celebrations create cherished memories and strengthen the emotional connection between partners.

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Conclusion

Moving in together is a journey filled with opportunities for growth, connection, and shared experiences. By prioritizing communication, mutual respect, and teamwork, you can build a harmonious and fulfilling life together. Remember that it’s a process, and with patience and dedication, you’ll create a loving and supportive home where both partners can thrive.

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Learn more about how we can help you find balance in your relationships.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

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A Guide to Breakup Etiquette for Adults and Teens
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Breaking up with someone is undoubtedly one of the most challenging and emotionally charged experiences we may encounter in our lives. Whether you’re an adult or a teenager, ending a relationship can be overwhelming and filled with a mix of emotions. However, it’s essential to approach the process with empathy and kindness to ensure that both parties involved can navigate the breakup without unnecessary pain. In this blog post, we will explore some valuable tips on how to breakup without being cruel, fostering respect and understanding during this sensitive time (see #5 below).

1. Choose the Right Setting:

Selecting an appropriate setting for the breakup is crucial to ensure both parties feel comfortable expressing themselves honestly. For adults, consider having a private and quiet space where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. For teens, choose a time when both of you are calm and relaxed, and find a private space where you can talk without distractions or interruptions. Consider going to your partner’s turf (their home, etc) so they do not have to drive home while upset, and so that there is not the risk of them potentially crying in public where they may be uncomfortable.

2. Be Honest, Yet Kind:

Honesty is essential in any breakup, but it’s equally crucial to be mindful of your words and tone. Express your feelings and reasons for the decision in a compassionate and gentle manner. It is important to remember that this is not the time to list the things you don’t like about them. This means you should avoid blaming or criticizing the other person and instead focus on sharing your perspective and emotions. Remember that the goal is not to hurt the other person but to provide clarity and understanding.

3. Listen with Empathy:

When breaking up, it’s essential to listen to the other person’s feelings and concerns with empathy. Allow them to express their emotions without interruption, and validate their feelings, even if you may not fully understand or agree with them. Remember that emotions are valid, and everyone experiences a breakup differently. If they are angry, this is a normal reaction to feeling hurt. You do not have to “fix” the anger; instead, show empathy and understanding, but stick to your message.

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4. Be Mindful of Timing:

Timing is critical when initiating a breakup. Avoid choosing days with significant events or special occasions, as it can intensify emotional distress. Be considerate of the other person’s schedule, and ensure they have enough time and space to process the news without feeling rushed.

5. Do not offer false hope:

After a breakup, both adults and teens need time to heal and adjust to the new reality. While the intention of remaining friends might seem comforting, it’s important to consider that it could create confusion or false hope. Give each other the space needed to process emotions and find closure. It’s okay to take a break from communication to focus on individual healing before considering a potential friendship in the future. Respect each other’s need for distance and time to move forward independently. Remember, when each of you starts dating again, a potential friendship will probably have to be re-evaluated out of respect for your new partner(s).

6. Avoid Public Breakups:

While it might seem easier to break up in a public place, it can be distressing for the other person and may lead to unnecessary embarrassment. Choose a private location to allow both of you to express your emotions openly without feeling judged or observed.

**The exception to this is if there is potential for violence. In this case, find a semi-public space where you feel safe, but that still offers some degree of privacy. A public park is a great example. If you are in an abusive situation, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

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Learn more about the National Domestic Violence Hotline
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Breaking up is never easy, but with empathy and kindness, it can be a more compassionate experience for both adults and teens involved. Remember to choose an appropriate setting, be honest yet kind, listen with empathy, be mindful of timing, avoid public breakups, and offer support during this delicate time. By treating each other with respect and understanding, you can navigate the breakup process with grace and compassion, fostering emotional healing and growth for both parties involved.
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*Updated October 7, 2023

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.