Category: Couples and Marriage Counseling

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Criticism

Criticism – The 1st Horseman

  1. the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes

Criticism is when you judge a person’s character instead of just their behavior. In the context of relationships, it’s like character assassination. While the least damaging of the Four Horsemen, Criticism is still destructive to a relationship because it attempts to paint the other person as completely bad. You often hear exclusive language like “You always” or “You never” when criticism is happening. This paints your partner as not just doing something bad, but as consistently being bad.

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What Criticism Looks Like in Relationships

Criticism is judging a person’s character, which can be hurtful and lead to defensiveness or contempt. It’s normal and healthy to complain about someone’s behavior, but it becomes critical (ie criticism) when you attack the person’s character. Criticism often involves “exclusive” language that includes words like, “always” and “never.” It may also take the form of an accusation, “You’re driving slow just to make me mad.”

What to Do About It: The Soft or Gentle Startup

The first three minutes of a conflict discussion predict the outcome with 98% accuracy. When a person starts with criticism (a “harsh startup”), the other person is likely to respond with their own horseman, usually defensiveness or contempt. This situation has a 98% probability of the conflict not being managed successfully and becoming worse. However, if the couple is able to recognize the criticism, action can be taken to get back on track. By apologizing, or even simply showing awareness of the criticism, couples can let go of the mistake and continue the conversation.

With a gentle startup, a tone of connection and understanding is established right off the bat. This helps your partner stay in an open, non-defensive place because they are less likely to perceive an attack. Softened startups often involve statements of the other person’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings, then asking how you can help. Expressing a sense of togetherness reaffirms that you are a team and that they are not alone. The soft or gentle startup creates a 98% likelihood of a successful outcome.

Building stronger relationships

While criticism is toxic to a relationship, working to keep it at bay helps prevent the other three horsemen from showing up. Remember, when a couple is arguing, they are trying unsuccessfully to have a conversation. Try to be curious about the criticism by finding what the complaint behind it is. By building constructive conversation skills people in relationships learn to let go of grudges, hear one another, and repair hurt feelings when they happen

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  • Criticism is judging a person’s character. It is character assassination and is toxic.
  • Complaints are focused on behavior, not the person. Complaints in this context are healthy when they are communicated effectively. In other words, complaining in this context is not the same thing as whining or nagging.

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Each of the horsemen, including criticism, tends to arise when a person does not feel heard and understood. Communicating your feelings and needs in an open and honest way, even if uncomfortable, helps couples feel closer and more at ease with vulnerability. It is this vulnerability that gives couples the opportunity to feel closer and to build trust.

It is not uncommon to hear people refer to couples as in a partnership or as being a team. This solidarity is the result of effective dialogue that minimizes the occurrence of the horsemen. Should criticism arise, acknowledge it and make a repair attempt to mend hurt feelings.

Next time you feel frustrated and tempted to criticize your partner, try initiating a gentle start-up. You might be pleasantly surprised by the positive responses and improved understanding you elicit by expressing your needs in a constructive manner. Together, you can apply this knowledge to make conflict discussions more productive, nurturing, and likely to achieve mutually satisfactory resolutions.

There are many other approaches to the softened startup, and the Gottman Method Couples Counseling helps you find methods that work in your unique relationship.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Defensiveness

Defensiveness – The 2nd Horseman

de·fen·sive·ness /dəˈfensivnəs/
noun: defensiveness
  1. the quality of being anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.
    “their supporters have reacted with defensiveness and hostility to the disclosure”
  2. behavior intended to defend or protect oneself [from a perceived attack].
    “defensiveness of the hive was related to the size of the colony”
    [av_button label=’Schedule an appointment’ icon_select=’yes’ icon=’ue85b’ font=’entypo-fontello’ link=’page,2894′ link_target=” size=’large’ position=’center’ label_display=” title_attr=” size-text=” av-desktop-font-size-text=” av-medium-font-size-text=” av-small-font-size-text=” av-mini-font-size-text=” margin=’,,25px,’ padding=” padding_sync=’true’ av-desktop-margin=” av-desktop-margin_sync=’true’ av-desktop-padding=” av-desktop-padding_sync=’true’ av-medium-margin=” av-medium-margin_sync=’true’ av-medium-padding=” av-medium-padding_sync=’true’ av-small-margin=” av-small-margin_sync=’true’ av-small-padding=” av-small-padding_sync=’true’ av-mini-margin=” av-mini-margin_sync=’true’ av-mini-padding=” av-mini-padding_sync=’true’ color_options=” color=’theme-color’ custom_bg=’#444444′ custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_bg=’theme-color’ btn_custom_grad_direction=’vertical’ btn_custom_grad_1=’#000000′ btn_custom_grad_2=’#ffffff’ btn_custom_grad_3=” btn_custom_grad_opacity=’0.7′ btn_custom_bg=’#444444′ btn_color_bg_hover=’theme-color-highlight’ btn_custom_bg_hover=’#444444′ btn_color_font=’theme-color’ btn_custom_font=’#ffffff’ btn_color_font_hover=’white’ btn_custom_font_hover=’#ffffff’ border=” border_width=” border_width_sync=’true’ border_color=” border_radius=” border_radius_sync=’true’ box_shadow=” box_shadow_style=’0px,0px,0px,0px’ box_shadow_color=” animation=” animation_duration=” animation_custom_bg_color=” animation_z_index_curtain=’100′ hover_opacity=” sonar_effect_effect=” sonar_effect_color=” sonar_effect_duration=’1′ sonar_effect_scale=” sonar_effect_opac=’0.5′ css_position=” css_position_location=’,,,’ css_position_z_index=” av-desktop-css_position=” av-desktop-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-desktop-css_position_z_index=” av-medium-css_position=” av-medium-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-medium-css_position_z_index=” av-small-css_position=” av-small-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-small-css_position_z_index=” av-mini-css_position=” av-mini-css_position_location=’,,,’ av-mini-css_position_z_index=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-10qggrk’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”]

Defensiveness in Relationships: What it Means

Defensiveness in a relationship occurs when one or both partners feel threatened, attacked, or criticized. This can lead to behavior that is intended to protect oneself, rather than to communicate effectively with the other person. Defensiveness can manifest in many ways, including:

Dealing Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

In order to overcome defensiveness, it’s important to take responsibility for your own role in the situation. Practicing mindfulness can help you identify what triggers you and adapt your behaviors accordingly. This will allow you to connect with your partner and communicate effectively, even in difficult situations.

When you feel defensive, it’s important to communicate your feelings to your partner in a non-blaming way. This gives them the opportunity to understand your perspective and take corrective action. It also encourages accountability from them, as they are more likely to own their role in the situation.

By taking responsibility for your own actions and communicating effectively, you can overcome defensiveness and improve your relationship.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Contempt

Contempt – The 3rd Horseman

con·tempt /kənˈtem(p)t/
  1. the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn.
    “he showed his contempt for his job by doing it very badly.

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Contempt in Relationships

Contempt is a feeling of worthlessness and scorn towards a person or a thing. In relationships, it takes on a slightly different meaning, but it is no less destructive. It is the communication of utter disrespect, a rejection of another person’s worth, and it is even worse than hatred. When contempt is present, the person arguing will frequently degrade their partner, call them names, and show facial expressions of disgust. This behavior is toxic and can destroy relationships if not addressed.

How to Address Contempt in Relationships

In Gottman Couples Therapy, we offer two antidotes to combat contempt: communication and appreciation.

Communicate Your Needs and Feelings

Being mindful of your own potential for contempt is essential. When you bring self-awareness to the table, you are better able to head it off at the pass. Instead of lashing out, use I-statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, say “I feel ____ when it seems like I’m not being heard” and “What I need is ______” instead of “I need you to stop ______.” By doing this, you communicate your feelings and needs effectively without degrading your partner.

Cultivate Fondness and Appreciation

It’s essential to cultivate the opposite of contempt by showing appreciation and fondness towards your partner. Regularly look for reasons to show that you love and enjoy spending time with each other. Share at least one passionate kiss each day, not just a quick peck, but a real kiss that gets the fire going. Do those little things like dragging your hand across your partner’s back as you walk behind them. Tell them how impressed you are with their accomplishments, their focus, and their desire to learn. By doing these things, you create a positive environment that makes contempt less likely to take root.

Conclusion

Contempt is a communication killer. It communicates utter disrespect, and it is worse than hatred. To combat contempt, you must communicate effectively and cultivate fondness and appreciation toward your partner. With these antidotes, you can create a healthy relationship built on respect, love, and understanding.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Stonewalling

Stonewalling – The 4th Horseman

stone·wall /ˈstōnˌwôl/
  1. delay or block (a request, process, or person) by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies, especially in politics.
    “the highest level of bureaucracy stonewalled us”

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Stonewalling in Relationships

Stonewalling is a harmful behavior that can damage communication and relationships. It is characterized by a refusal or inability to participate in conflict discussions and can manifest as closed body language, a blank stare, or a look of contempt or annoyance. Stonewalling can be the result of the individual being overwhelmed by emotions such as anger, fear, or confusion, which causes a short circuit in the brain’s physiological response. This response is called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) and is a result of the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system being activated.

[av_video src=’https://youtu.be/11nDjWch78A’ mobile_image=” attachment=” attachment_size=” format=’16-9′ width=’16’ height=’9′ conditional_play=” id=” custom_class=” av_uid=’av-tsc9j5′]

What to Do About It: Take a Break and Engage in Self-Soothing

If you or your partner is stonewalling during a conflict discussion, it is important to take a break. This break should be at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. When calling for a break, it is crucial to do so in a neutral and non-critical manner. Using a buzzword or physical gesture can be effective in diffusing the tension. During the break, engage in self-soothing activities that slow down your heart rate and help you relax, such as breathing exercises, meditation, gardening, playing music, taking a warm bath or shower, or engaging in hobbies and interests. Avoid focusing on what you or your partner said during the conflict, and instead, focus on calming your emotions and thoughts.

Making a Repair Attempt

After the break, it is important to make a repair attempt by communicating your accountability, understanding, and desire for things to be better. This can be done by saying something like, “Hey, I’m sorry this got heated. Can we talk about it calmly now?” or “I understand how you feel, and I want to work on this together.” Making a repair attempt can help neutralize the harmful effects of stonewalling and create a safe and productive space for communication.

Overcoming Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a communication killer, but with the right tools and techniques, it can be overcome. By taking a break, engaging in self-soothing activities, and making a repair attempt, you can create a safe and productive space for communication and work towards resolving conflicts in your relationship. Remember, communication is key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and overcoming stonewalling is a crucial step toward achieving that.

How to Take a Break During a Conflict

When tensions run high during a conflict, it’s important to take a break to allow both parties to cool off and gather their thoughts. It’s best to request a break in a non-accusatory and non-critical manner, but if the situation is toxic, it’s important to honor the request and address repair efforts later. Many couples find it helpful to use a neutral buzzword or physical gesture, such as “Marshmallow” or tugging on an earlobe, to indicate the need for a break. This can help diffuse the tension and create a more positive atmosphere.

To ensure that both parties are on the same page, it’s important to be specific about the length of the break. A break should be at least 20 minutes but no more than 24 hours. It’s important to communicate how long the break will be before walking away to avoid leaving the other person wondering when the issue will be addressed again. This can prevent one person from following the other around and trying to continue the conversation, which can lead to both parties becoming flooded.

Self-Soothing Techniques

Stonewalling during a conflict can often be a result of a flooded nervous system. To prevent this, it’s important to engage in self-soothing activities that help slow down your heart rate and provide a sense of calm. Activities such as breathing exercises, meditation, gardening, playing music, taking a warm bath or shower, or engaging in hobbies and interests can be helpful. During a break, it’s important to focus on self-care and not on planning your rebuttal or dwelling on what your partner has said. Taking a break can help both parties approach the conflict with a clear and calm mindset.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Belligerence

Belligerence

bel·lig·er·ence /bəˈlij(ə)rəns/
noun: belligerence; noun: belligerency
  1. aggressive or warlike behavior.
    “The reaction ranged from wild enthusiasm to outright belligerence”

Belligerence in Relationships

Belligerence is a form of aggressive or combative behavior, often observed during conflicts in relationships. When a person exhibits belligerence, they appear to be looking for a fight and expressing their anger in an aggressive manner. According to the Gottman Institute, belligerent responses often involve unfair teasing or a dare, which can further escalate the conflict:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “What’ll you do if I say no? Hit me? Throw some dishes?! Go ahead! I dare ya!”

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Dealing with Belligerence

The best way to deal with belligerence in a relationship is to make a repair attempt. Repair attempts are actions or words used to de-escalate a conflict and signal the willingness to work towards a solution. By offering a good-faith attempt to repair any damage done during the conflict, you communicate accountability, understanding, and a desire for things to be better. Repair attempts can help to neutralize the toxicity of belligerence and prevent further escalation.

One example of a repair attempt is to take a break from the conflict for 20 minutes and come back to the conversation later. This allows both parties to cool off and approach the discussion with a clearer mind. By making repair attempts, you can communicate that you are invested in the relationship and willing to work towards a resolution. In the example above, either Zoey or Mark could say, “Hey, this got really heated and that’s not really what I was hoping for. Could we take a 20-minute break and start over?”

Conclusion

Belligerence is a toxic communication pattern that can poison any relationship. However, by recognizing this behavior and responding with repair attempts, you can prevent it from further damaging your relationship. Remember to approach conflicts with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to work towards a solution.

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*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Killers: Blame

Blame

blame /blām/
verb: blame; 3rd person present: blames; past tense: blamed; past participle: blamed; gerund or present participle: blaming
  1. assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.
    “The board of inquiry blamed the engineer for the accident”

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What it looks like in relationships

Blaming someone for something is assigning responsibility for a fault or a wrong. In relationships, blame often takes the form of score-keeping or overt assigning of fault, where one partner blames the other for something that went wrong. This blame game is associated with defensiveness and criticism, and it can further poison the relationship. Regardless of how it presents, blame is an attempt to vent pain. However, blame won’t help as much as you might think in the heat of the moment.

What to do about it: Accept Responsibility & and Look for Hidden Desires

The antidote for blame is to accept responsibility, even if only for some parts of the situation. Accepting responsibility reduces the strain on the conversation and in your own mind, allowing you to capture those chances for connection with your partner. Quite often, when blame is part of the conflict, taking a closer look at the situation reveals that the person doing the blaming is secretly longing for something they may not even be able to put into words yet. When you show them that you are willing to help shoulder the burden of the tension, they are far more likely to find the words to express those deeper needs and wants.

In the Communication Killers series of posts, blame is one of the six most toxic communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. They caution that these dynamics will poison any relationship, not just romantic ones. Moving away from blame is crucial for healthy communication and relationships.

Why it is important to move away from blame

Here’s a short (and funny!) video by Dr. Brené Brown about Blame and how toxic it is in our lives.

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To learn more about communication patterns and improving relationships, read other articles in the Couples and Marriage Counseling category.

*updated October 6 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Enhancing Relationships: The power of being listenable

Being listenable helps you be heard

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and mastering the art of speaking in a way that is easy for others to hear is particularly crucial in potentially difficult conversations that involve conflict. By developing the skills to convey your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully, you can navigate challenging discussions with grace and enhance the overall quality of your relationships. In this article, we will explore strategies for improving your speaking abilities in difficult conversations, facilitating understanding, and fostering resolution. Of course, listening well helps the other person hear you since they are less likely to be thinking about how to convince you to hear their side; in other words, if they know you understand them, they have more bandwidth to really hear you.

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  1. Cultivate Self-Awareness:

Before engaging in a difficult conversation, take a moment to reflect on your own emotions, triggers, and biases. Self-awareness allows you to approach the conversation with a clear mind and manage your emotions effectively. Understanding your communication style and how it may impact others empowers you to adapt your approach and ensure that your message is received more effectively.

  1. Choose the Right Timing and Environment:

Timing and environment play a significant role in how a conversation unfolds. Pick a time when both parties can dedicate their full attention to the discussion. Find a neutral and comfortable setting where privacy is ensured, minimizing distractions that could impede effective communication. Creating a safe and conducive space sets the stage for open dialogue and enhances the chances of a productive outcome.

  1. Use “I” Statements and Express Empathy:

When expressing your thoughts and concerns, frame your statements using “I” instead of “you” to avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational. This approach takes ownership of your emotions and experiences, making it easier for the other person to hear and understand your perspective. Additionally, demonstrate empathy by acknowledging their feelings and showing genuine understanding of their point of view. This helps create a supportive atmosphere and encourages reciprocity in the conversation.

  1. Practice Active Listening:

Effective communication involves not only speaking but also actively listening. As you express your thoughts, periodically check in with the other person to ensure they understand your message. Encourage them to share their thoughts and actively listen to their responses without interruption. By demonstrating that you value their input, you create an atmosphere of respect and mutual understanding, fostering a more constructive dialogue.

  1. Use Clear and Concise Language:

Clarity is key when engaging in difficult conversations. Be mindful of the words you choose and aim for simplicity and brevity. Avoid ambiguous or vague language that may lead to misunderstandings. Instead, express your thoughts in a direct and concise manner, providing specific examples when necessary. Clear communication helps reduce confusion and ensures that your message is received accurately.

  1. Focus on Solutions, not Blame:

Shifting the focus from blame to solutions is essential in resolving conflicts. Instead of dwelling on past events or assigning fault, concentrate on finding mutually beneficial resolutions. Explore possible alternatives together, actively involving the other person in problem-solving. By emphasizing a collaborative approach, you create an atmosphere of teamwork and increase the likelihood of reaching a satisfactory outcome.

  1. Maintain Composure and Emotional Regulation:

In potentially difficult conversations, emotions may run high. It is crucial to maintain composure and regulate your emotions effectively. Stay calm and collected, and avoid becoming defensive or confrontational. Take deep breaths, pause if necessary, and return to the conversation when you feel more composed. By modeling emotional regulation, you set a positive example and create a conducive environment for productive dialogue. Remember to actively listen to the other person’s concerns and validate their emotions, even if you disagree. Responding with empathy and understanding fosters an atmosphere of respect and promotes a more constructive exchange of ideas.

Conclusion

Improving your speaking skills in difficult conversations is a valuable investment in building stronger relationships. By cultivating self-awareness, using “I” statements, practicing active listening, and maintaining composure, you can navigate potentially challenging discussions with greater ease. Remember, effective communication is a two-way street that requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to find common ground. By implementing these strategies, you can foster understanding, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your relationships in the face of adversity.

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*updated October 6, 2023

To learn more about red flags to look out for and how to fix them, please visit my Couples Counseling page.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling Work-Life Balance By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

The “Time Trap”

Time time time, they say it’s everything. It can be the trap, and it can be the key to getting you out of the trap.

You come home from a long day at work, and immediately you are showered with questions, “When’s dinner?” “When are we going to plan that holiday?” “Can you help me with my homework?”

All you can think is, “If I only had 15 minutes to slow down and settle in. . .” And there it is, the time trap. It’s that time that most of us need to transition into home life, but we avoid it because that’s just how it’s supposed to go. Right?

No. That’s not right at all. To avoid the time trap all you need is mindfulness and effective communication skills. Once you realize that there is no rule that says you’re not allowed to settle in before having demands thrust upon you, you can avoid this time trap by setting some boundaries.

Give your spouse and family the gift of your downtime

Now how is it that you being able to have a little free time after work a gift for them? Think about it: When you’re already burned out from work, just how effective can you be helping your kids with homework? How often does that seemingly simple task turn into an outright fight about the condition of their desk? When you take care of yourself and recharge, there is more of you to go around. Unless the house is burning down, most of those needs can probably wait for you to power-up.

Great. So how do I set that boundary nicely?

I cannot tell you how many times I get asked this: “If I’m already stressed out from work and rush hour traffic, how do I nicely ask for that buffer time?” You leave out the stressed out part. You can imagine the perplexed looks that present themselves at this point in a session.

If you’ll just wait for better timing, it’ll go better. Look for a more relaxed time, and explain the need for a recharge period of 10, 15, 20, etc. minutes. Let them know how it will benefit them. Then create a little backup plan for when they forget: A reminder buzz-word or phrase: “Need my time, guys. I’ll be with you shortly.” “15-minutes starts now.” Whatever is easy to remember.

It’s ok to remind them

You’ll probably have to use this phrase for several days as everybody gets used to this new way of doing things. Stay calm. Breathe. Meditate daily. And try to understand that one day when your son or daughter comes home after a long week at college and they say, “Mom, Dad? Can y’all give me a few minutes?” You’ll know that you modeled a wonderful gift that your kids will pass on to their kids one day.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Communication Skills

  • Do you feel like people just cannot seem to get what you are saying?
  • Do people often tell you that YOU don’t get what they are saying?
  • 80% of our messages are non-verbal (eye contact, body language, facial expression).
  • Of the 20% that is verbal, we can learn to be mindful of which words work best for our message.

Communication skills are about how to listen and how to be heard, not just how to talk. Communication is a cooperative process; in other words, while one person is speaking, the other must cooperate by listening. While this seems rather intuitive, we have all experienced how difficult it can be. Read on to learn how to slow down and simplify the process.

Seek to understand first

I believe it is Steven Covey that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” This really captures the essence of listening.

We can all relate to times when somebody was talking to us and we were so lost in thought planning our response that we neglected to really listen to what was being said to us. This communicates disinterest and a lack of respect for the speaker. Seek to understand.

Tips on showing you are listening & understanding

Make eye contact–don’t stare them down, but show your
attention by looking into the speaker’s eyes occasionally.

Have open body language–try not to sprawl out on
the floor, but keep a generally ‘open’ stance that shows you are receptive
to the message being sent to you. Nod occasionally to let them know
you are listening. Use your facial expression to show interest, compassion,
or confusion, but make sure you are not being dramatic or sarcastic/judgmental.

Reflect back–say back to the speaker what you heard
them say (the ‘content’ versus the ’emotions’ (see validation below for
emotions). For example, “If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying
that the paint is the wrong color”. This is not saying parrot or mimic
them; rather it is to encourage paraphrasing and checking out your understanding
of what was said. . . this can prevent a great deal of confusion as if
you heard it wrong (or if they sent the message unclear fashion),
the speaker can then restate their point.

It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude
about their emotional experience even if you disagree with what they
are saying or feeling. Quite often, both of you are correct: if you hold
a quarter up with tails facing them, and heads facing you, then each
of your reports of what you see is ‘correct’ but different. When dealing
with conflict, it is easy for the ego to try and exploit this difference
as a place to attack. Do not fall into this trap.

Validate emotions–This is similar to Reflection,
however, it refers to the emotional experience of who you are talking
to. It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude
about their emotional experience. Even if you disagree with their
emotional response (i.e. they are angry that you like chocolate ice
cream . . . it makes no sense to most of us, but it is their feelings
and they have a right to feel that way; besides, you cannot usually
just ‘turn off’ emotions that don’t make sense to others).
You validate emotions by calmly letting them know that you see that
they seem to be feeling hurt, angry, happy, etc. Sometimes it is helpful
to ask if you are on the ‘right track.’

Take a one-down stance–this can help to nullify a perceived
power differential. These words can put you in a one-down stance, “Help
me understand. . . . ” By inviting the person to ‘teach’ you what
they are feeling or experiencing, you are showing them that you truly wish
to hear what they are saying–use Reflecting (see above) make sure you
have heard them correctly.

Ask ‘open’ questions–these are questions that are most
easily answered with a sentence rather than a single word like ‘yes’
or ‘no.’ These open questions invite more discussion, rather than
quick responses.

Watch your tone and word choice — 80% of communication is non-verbal. So use a calm tone
and words that are not ‘loaded.’ I would extend this to mean do not
be passive-aggressive in general. We all know the little communication
games that can be played where we ‘say’ the ‘nice’ words but with
an air of sarcasm or malice. Nobody misses this kind of game. And
it really never helps.

Listen well and be heard

Many people seem to believe that only children and teens struggle with how to interact with peers. In fact, the older you get, the more complicated this may feel. A child does not have to worry about dating or professional peers. A teen’s romantic interactions or job interactions may not be as intense as those of a high-level professional in a long-standing marriage. Thus, it benefits any aged individual who struggles with peer interactions at any level to deal with it directly and honestly.

Mastering communication skills fundamentals

Genuineness is the ultimate building block of peer relations. Both genuineness with yourself so that you can be honest with others, and genuineness to others, which actually is manifested by honesty itself. People are great lie detectors . . .we all have the ability inside of us that Robert DeNiro has in “Meet the Parents.” Most of us just do not have it as finely tuned as his character; however, our bodies know it–and we can all ‘feel’ a certain vibe when someone is not genuine, or congruent, with their feelings and actions. Alan Watts sums it up nicely in this quote from The Culture of Counterculture (pg 11):

“I was once associated in a business way with somebody who was
a complicated person. He always pretended that he was a great idealist
and that whatever he was doing was for the benefit of mankind, for the
furtherance of mutual understanding, and to promote unselfishness and
love between human beings. Actually, his dealings were very shady ethically.
And I couldn’t get along with him, because he wouldn’t come clean. If
he had said, “Look, I’m in a jam, and in order to get around it,
I need you to manipulate things with me thus and so. I know it isn’t
ethical, but this what I need you to do.” I would have said, “Well,
I’m entirely in agreement with you.” If he hadn’t come on in his
usual pious way, which I found sickening and offensive, but had come
on in a human way, we would have understood each other.”

This is a great example of how genuine action (coming on “in a human way”), no matter how difficult, will usually lead to more beneficial relationships and partnerships. Of course, this applies to not only professional interactions but also to social and intimate ones as well. In short, be honest about what you are feeling–both to yourself and to others, in thought and in action.

Being self-aware offers you the opportunity to monitor your interactions; being overly aware can, however, be a hindrance (usually this is an issue for those who struggle with self-esteem). Being aware of if you are being overly self-focused in the conversation vs. having a healthy balance of interest in the other person (or people, if in a group) is extremely helpful. If you find that you are too much on either side, then use your awareness to either pull back a little on your storytelling about yourself or to pull back a bit in the relentless questioning of others. . . whichever applies. Being aware of other people’s body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice will aid you in determining if you would do well to alter your level of interaction. If you find that you should, please do not beat yourself up–what will shine through to the other people involved is your perceptiveness and ability to adapt–not the initial interactions.

Trusting yourself can be difficult as you learn to improve your peer relations skills with others. If it has not gone smoothly in the past, you may have a difficult time trusting in the signals you are trying to be aware of. Seeking honest feedback from a trusted teacher, counselor, spiritual leader, friend, or family member who seems to have a solid grasp of social skills may be helpful. In this case, you may find yourself trusting externally before moving internally–this is only one perspective though. You have to trust yourself enough first to decide which person to approach. You will notice that you may have an initial impression of who it is you trust and can learn from–this immediately shows your ability to discriminate between healthy and unhealthy models. This trust of self can be expanded to help you realize your comfort in many peer situations.

Empathy for one’s self is most evident through the increase in comfort as one learns to negotiate the complexities of interacting with others.
When you have genuine compassion for yourself, you begin to relax a little, this relaxation shines through in your interactions with people. Remember that “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” As you find yourself giving yourself a little room to learn, you may find yourself offering others the same latitude in their actions–you begin modeling for them the balance you yourself have been working so hard to learn. When this happens, you have moved into a higher level of learning the social complexities involved in interactions.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Couples and Marriage Counseling Family and Parenting By new_cgekr3 0 Comments

Co-parenting

Ever see a divorced couple that seems to get along great and wonder how they do it? It’s effective Co-Parenting. There are skills that can be learned to cultivate a friendly co-parenting experience that benefits everybody, especially the kids! It can be tough in the beginning, but this is normal. Learn more about how to create a friendly vibe between you and your ex-.

Some ground rules to start with:

  1. NEVER use your children as pawns to accomplish your agenda
  2. NEVER put your children in the middle by asking them to tell you about what your ex- is saying and doing
  3. ALWAYS remind the kids that you both love them very much and that they do not have to choose between the 2 of you
  4. ALWAYS remind the kids that the divorce is not their fault; that only adults can create adult problems that lead to divorce
  5. ALWAYS offer the kids reassurance that both you and your ex- are there for them
  6. NEVER NEVER NEVER badmouth your ex- to your kids; this means that you must not take an easy opportunity to take a ‘jab’ at your ex- just because you are angry with them. Remember, your kids have done nothing wrong, and by bad-mouthing your ex- to them, you are punishing them, not your ex-.
  7. Should your kids tell you that your ex- has bad-mouthed you, ALWAYS remain calm and reassuring; let them know that you are sorry that your ex- said something hurtful, reassure them that sometimes adults say things when they are upset, but that it does not mean that they have to choose between the 2 of you. Remember, do NOT start badmouthing your ex- to the kids just because they did that to you (by the way, when you have some privacy and are in a calm place, you can check in with your ex- and calmly ask them if there is anything you can do to help them not feel like they need to say those things to the kids. . . this “one-down” stance can often diffuse tension and help the 2 of you get to a better co-parenting place. If YOU bad-mouthed your ex-, and they call you about it, calmly accept responsibility and see if you can use the opportunity to get some resolution. If not, you may have to agree to disagree about the tension, but re-affirm the commitment to NEVER put the kids in the middle like that.
  8. When you don’t know what to say to the kids, default to reminding them that you and your ex- love them more than anything and that there nothing they could ever do to change that.
  9. If you are in a situation where your ex- simply refuses to play by the rules, then be a soft place for your kids to land. . . don’t pile on to their stress by not following the rules yourself. They need to know that there is at least one parent that they can count on to be reasonable. Seek help from a counselor to determine next steps. Sometimes you’ll need to document what is happening, especially if it is abusive to the kids. We hope judges and lawyers will not be needed very much, but sometimes you’ll need what only they can provide.

Co-parenting reminders

Once you have the ground rules established and agreed upon, here are some ideas to help you cultivate a healthy co-parenting relationship. . . in some cases, this can even be a rather friendly relationship; it’s ok if y’all are not friends, but it is important to behave in a friendly manner when the kids are around.

  1. Your kids are masters at making things their fault, so it doesn’t take much to get them in a place where they think “they wouldn’t be fighting if I wasn’t here . . .”
  2. Bad-mouthing your ex- will backfire. As your kids get older, they WILL remember who tried to turn them against their own parent. This does not go well. “Parental Alienation” is the legal term for badmouthing each other to the kids, and judges do NOT take kindly to it
  3. You and your ex- are going to be in each others’ lives for the long haul anyway, so having as healthy/amicable of a relationship as possible will make it much easier, and much better for the kids. “Divided Loyalty” is the experience that kids have when they feel like they have to take “mom’s side” when at mom’s house, and then take “dad’s side” when at dad’s house. It is very confusing and very hurtful for children, tweens and teens (and honestly, for your kids as adults, too)
  4. Yes, it can be extremely difficult to behave yourself when you are around your ex-, try to remember that you are doing it for the kids’ sake (and for your own peace of mind so that when you reflect on your day, you can know that you handled yourself with dignity and integrity
  5. You do not have to respect somebody to treat them with respect
  6. You can disagree without being disagreeable
  7. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE SEEKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD!! You’d be surprised how effective this is at keeping things simple and peaceful!
  8. Sometimes, agreeing to disagree IS a form of resolution.

Co-parenting: How to do it

Communication is essential. Remember to not make assumptions–talk to your ex- if you are uncertain as to what they intended.

Planning can be very helpful so that surprises are minimal. The consistency this creates for the kids is very reassuring.

Focus on what you have in common: The happiness and well-being of your children.

Understand that in the beginning, this process will feel more difficult, and slip ups will happen. Acknowledge them, apologize when necessary or helpful, then move on. Try not to carry a grudge for slip-ups that your ex- makes. The grudge hurts the kids in the end.

Now that we are clear on what the real focus is *The kids*, let’s move to some specifics.

Regarding Visitation: Flexibility and communication

Because the kids are your number one focus, remember to show some flexibility. If your ex- needs you to take the kids one weekend, and you are able to do it, go ahead and help! You’ll get time with your kids, and your ex- will come to see you as an ally instead of an enemy.  And if you’re the one needing to change weekends, remember to be nice. Sometimes offer to take the kids for your ex-, it builds trust and a cooperative relationship. Remember, the kids benefit.

Be sure that you are specific about when you need help; try hard not to change the times or duration. For the one that’s helping out, please don’t back out unless absolutely necessary; remember that children make things their own fault. . . we do not want them thinking that you don’t want to be with them. Back to punctuality, please bring the kids back at the agreed upon time.

Now if what either of you needs in terms of timing/scheduling, communicate this as soon as possible, and do so with a polite and cooperative tone. Let your ex- know that you understand this change might be an inconvenience and that if it is, you will work with them to help get it straightened out.

Rules and consequences: Consistency and mutual support

Children (and teens!) need consistency. This helps them stay clear about what is expected of them. It also helps the two of you not be as susceptible to manipulation (usually by tweens and teens) using the “divide and conquer” idea where if one of you says no, the kids go to the other parent and ask, hoping for a ‘yes.’

To be specific, write the rules of your homes down. Do your best to get them as consistent as possible; when they are nearly identical, this is ideal. Have your rules posted in a clear place, or for older kids/teens, have them easily accessible.

When rules are broken, and there are consequences, then those consequences should be supported by the other parent. . . in other words, if your teenager is grounded for a week from X-box, then if they come to your place halfway through the grounding, then the grounding continues at your place. This can be a tough one because of the ‘divide and conquer’ method, as well as because kids are great at pulling heartstrings! Remember, the more you and your ex- are on the same page, the more reassuring it is for your kids.

Learn more about Couples Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.