Category: Depression

Understanding the Many Faces of Grief: Beyond Loss and Death

When we talk about grief, our minds often go to the loss of a loved one. However, it’s essential to realize that grief can take various forms. Regardless of the circumstances, grief is a natural and healthy response to loss.

Discover the different types of grief individuals may experience:

1. Job loss

   Whether it’s transitioning to a new company, receiving a promotion, or facing termination, losing a job can be a significant blow.

2. Relationship loss

   When a relationship ends, whether by personal choice, the other person’s decision, or mutual agreement, it’s normal to grieve the loss.

3. Being single

   Adjusting to a committed relationship may evoke a longing for the freedom of being single, and that transition can be challenging.

4. Childhood

   As responsibilities increase with age, the simplicity and innocence of childhood can be missed and mourned.

5. Home

   An empty room or a once-lived-in home can trigger feelings of melancholy and nostalgia.

6. “What might have been”

   Reflecting on alternate paths or regretting the loss of someone or something sooner than expected can bring grief.

7. Health

   Aging may involve mourning the loss of physical abilities that were once taken for granted.

8. “Shattered Assumptions”

   Experiencing a traumatic event can disrupt assumptions of safety and security, leading to a grieving process.

9. Traditions

   Changes in holiday traditions following the death of a loved one can be difficult to adapt to.

If you find yourself struggling with grief, seeking support is crucial. We are here to help. Reach out to us at (512) 771-7621 or through our Contact Us page. Remember, grief is a normal part of life, and with time and support, healing is possible.

*Updated July 9, 2023

Learn more about Counseling for Depression and Grief in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Understanding Your Teenager’s Emotional Struggles

Most parents understand teenage angst: the sometimes obnoxious independence and defiance, even seemingly random outbursts of anger and frustration over minor annoyances (which, well, are minor to the adult, but to a teen, often feel like a major issue).

If we look at “problematic” issues in teenagers as a pile of dirt, the first 6 feet of that pile are totally normal and nothing to worry about. If you aren’t sure, please get in touch with me. However, when that pile gets to 10 feet high, parents often think there are 10 feet of problems that aren’t normal and must be ‘fixed.’ But it’s not the whole 10 feet (and the teenager isn’t broken)! It’s only the dirt above that first normal 6 feet. That softens the blow a little as it’s less to be worried about. But let’s deal with that excess dirt–in this case, the top 4 feet of it (10 feet minus the normal 6 feet = 4 feet of excess).

Normal Depressive Episodes vs. Clinical Depression

I’m not going to go into painstaking detail about how to diagnose depression. But as I have already said, some degree of it is just a part of normal teen mood swings related to hormones, a developing brain, and increasingly complex thoughts, feelings, and social/academic pressures.

Basically, normal teenage sadness passes without major disruption of life. With more severe depression, you may see increasing isolation from both family and friends, appetite fluctuations (in either direction), dropping grades, loss of interest in things that were once enjoyable, and of course, the Big 3 of depression: sadness, irritability, and anxiety. In extreme cases, you may even notice self-injurious behaviors like cutting, and/or suicidal thoughts (or in very extreme cases, planning or attempts). If you are concerned about immediate danger to your child, call 9-1-1 immediately. In Central Texas, you can also call the MHMR Crisis Hotline at 512-472-HELP. You can also email me, or call me.

Again, most teenage depression is normal and will pass in a few days, or a week. If it persists for more than 2 weeks, please get in touch; it may still be normal, but it’s always a good idea to show them that you care about them and will respond to their pain, even if they think you’re overreacting.

How to Support Your Depressed Teenager

Listen Attentively

When your teenager seems ready and receptive to chat, try not to lecture them. Instead, look for a green, yellow, or red light to gauge their interest in the conversation. Green means they’re open to talking, yellow means it’s time to wrap up the conversation, and red means you’ve lost their attention and should wrap it up or give them an opportunity to speak. By listening attentively and patiently, you can create a comfortable environment for your teenager to open up to you.

Show Curiosity and Interest

When you get the green light, begin by asking your teenager to help you understand what they are going through. Instead of asking why they are feeling a certain way, try the One-down approach where you ask them to teach you about their experience. This approach sends a comforting message that you care and are paying attention. It may take some time, but your teenager will likely come back to you when they are ready to open up. By showing interest and concern instead of lecturing, you can plant seeds that encourage your teenager to share their feelings with you.

Validate Their Feelings and Link with Them

If your teenager does open up to you, it is important to validate their feelings and let them know that what they are going through is challenging. You don’t have to provide a guaranteed fix, but simply being there to listen and understand can be very helpful. If you have a personal story from your own teenage years that your teenager can relate to, share it briefly. This can help your teenager feel more understood and less alone. If they ask for advice, offer suggestions without being pushy. It’s important to ask if there is anything you can do to help, even if they don’t have an immediate answer.

Encourage and Model a Healthy Lifestyle

Encourage your teenager to be physically active by suggesting activities such as taking the dog for a walk or going on a nature hike together. Exercise is one of the best ways to combat depression. Additionally, it’s important to examine what kinds of foods your teenager is eating. Too many carbohydrates can contribute to depression, so encourage healthy eating habits.

Communicate with Teachers

Get in touch with your teenager’s teachers to see if they have noticed any changes in behavior or academic performance. If your teenager is doing well in school and has a good social life, their moodiness may simply be a result of exhaustion or teenage mood swings.

Be Mindful of Your Parenting Style

Your parenting style can significantly impact your teenager’s behavior. Catching your teenager being bad and punishing them is not an effective approach. Instead, try to focus on catching them being good and rewarding that behavior. Additionally, if you are going through marital problems or a divorce, be mindful of how this is impacting your teenager. Your behavior towards your spouse or ex-spouse can also affect your teenager’s behavior.

Identify and Address Stressors

Finally, take a look at your teenager’s life circumstances to identify any potential stressors. Recent breakups, fights with friends, or the loss of a loved one can all contribute to depression. Listen to your teenager when they discuss these issues and resist the urge to minimize their feelings. Help them identify ways to cope with their stressors and be there to support them.

Remember, there are many ways to support a depressed teenager, and this article only covers a few. By being patient, compassionate, and attentive, you can help your teenager navigate through their depression and build a stronger relationship with them.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Anticipatory grief, or pre-grief, happens when we know when in advance that we are going to lose something or someone that we care about. It may be due to terminal illness of a loved one, an impending job loss, the loss of a relationship or even knowing that we are going to move. In these cases, the grief still hurts and takes time to heal from, but the advance notice gives us a chance to wrap up loose ends, to take care of anything we may need to deal with before the loss happens. People often say that while in hindsight the advanced notice helped soften the blow, the reality is that while you are in the limbo of waiting, it may not seem quite so helpful. The confusion often arises from at once being grateful that you can take care of unfinished business, and at the same time, the grief seems to be prolonged while you wait for the end.

Terminal illness

Anticipatory grief is an unsettling experience for most of us (due to what we just discussed above) and requires no less self-care than more traditional grief or complex grief. Because of that limbo experience, sometimes we are not sure what to do or how to act. Some common questions when dealing with terminal illness are:

• How do I talk to my terminally ill loved one?
• Is it ok to ask them if they are scared of death or dying?
• Should I be strong or not let them see me cry?
• What if I am too scared to be around them?
• Should I let my younger children see them if they look very sick?

These are but a few of many, many questions that can arise from dealing with anticipatory grief related to terminal illness; all of your questions are ok to ask. Talking to somebody that is experienced with this can be a very comforting decision. It will help you get the comfort you need, and will often help you truly connect with your loved one, which is comforting for them as well.

When you know a relationship is over

Ever been in a romantic relationship where you knew that either your partner was done, or that you were done (or sometimes both)? Breaking up is a difficult thing to do (and often takes a few tries for it to stick), and sometimes our intuition is telling us to prepare for the end of the relationship. Other times, there has been a lot of conflict and resolution does not seem to be happening. Finally, when one or both partners are moving off to college, grad school or to a new city for a job, the end of a relationship is likely (unless you try a long-distance relationship; these are difficult, but not impossible in some cases).

Whether you are the one breaking up, or the one being broken up with, knowing in advance can put you on pins and needles until the break up happens. When people do know that things are not going well, open communication that is not accusatory, shaming or judgmental can help a great deal. Be willing to hear each others’ perspectives, remembering that by showing that you hear them you are not saying that you agree with them. If the relationship is over, then fighting over these details will only make the breakup more painful. Some common considerations for long-term relationship breakups are:

• How do we handle our mutual friends?
• Who gets what furniture?
• What do we do about joint accounts and bills?
• Who gets the pets?
• What do we do about the lease/mortgage?
• If we enjoy socializing in the same places, how do we act if we see each other?
• Can we still be friends?
• Is “friends with benefits” ok?

Now you may be wondering what on earth do these questions have to do with pre-grief. Remember, when you know in advance that a relationship is ending, you can begin to become mindful of how you would like to see these questions answered; this helps keep you from feeling put on the spot where you have to struggle for an answer on the fly while your emotions are spinning.

If you have any of these, or other questions, about how to try and prevent a breakup, please get in touch.

Your job here is done

When it comes to employment, we may choose to leave a job, get fired or laid off. All of these mean that we are losing our work family and that we will no longer be spending 8-10 hours/day with people we have come to care for. Even if it is your decision to leave, and you leave on good terms, ending a job can be heartbreaking. And if you have grown to detest your job, but enjoy the people, it can be confusing as you feel joy to get out of the rut, but sad to leave people behind. Job loss involves its own brand of stress that needs to be managed (finances, changing hours, adjusting to a new job and co-workers, etc.).

Regardless of how it is happening, use the advance notice to try and repair any hard feelings. This may be with your boss and/or co-workers. Leaving on a good note, or at least a neutral one, helps you to feel better about the transition and gives you one less worry to deal with as you transition to your next job. Remember, any grievances you may have are likely moot points now, so you no longer have to fight those battles. You may feel angry that your co-workers have to continue to deal with them but remember, it is their responsibility to manage their own struggles–you can certainly be supportive though.

Basically, be nice. Don’t burn bridges. Try to leave on a relaxed note.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

• Do you feel sad most of the time?
• Are you having head and body aches? Sick more often than usual?
• Do you feel like you’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy?
• Do your emotions feel “blunted?”
• Has your life begun to feel like an ordeal instead of an adventure?
• Have you been isolating yourself? Not participating in life?
• Do you feel like you need drugs and/or alcohol to have fun?

Depression has been described as a dark cloud that just doesn’t go away. It has also been described as a deep, dark, suffocating reality that seems to have no relief in sight. Even things that you know would help seem unattainable. If you are here, please let me help.

Depression can act as a magnifying glass — it can take even the most simple problem and magnify it, while completely obscuring the positive or best ideas that could help. Somebody living with depression may find themselves feeling like ‘not wanting to bother’ to do things they know would help, or that they used to enjoy doing. They may describe their life as feeling like a ‘black cloud,’ where one bad thing seems to be consistently followed by another bad experience. This kind of depression can be triggered by life’s circumstances (divorce, grief, etc.), or by one’s genetics, or a combination of multiple factors.

Fortunately, we are learning that depression can be managed, and the more effort and follow-through you put into your healing, you will likely find that the results are longer lasting and become more accessible, even when you find yourself in a backslide.

A few tips to start with

1) If things are extremely bleak, feel free to check with your doctor. Your family doctor is a great place to start. . . He or she may refer you to a psychiatrist for further evaluation. But don’t panic, nobody thinks that you’re crazy — a psychiatric referral is just a logical step; consider this–you wouldn’t just stop with your family doctor when getting your heart looked at, you would follow up with a specialist. . . a cardiologist; A psychiatrist is just a specialist in the human mind and its chemistry. Your doctor/psychiatrist will be able to talk to you about the next ideas:

2) A healthy lifestyle that includes nutrition and exercise – Always check with your doctor before beginning any change in eating and exercise habits. Upon approval from your doctor, you will find that eating a healthy diet (this does NOT necessarily mean eating less!!) that is balanced in protein, carbohydrates, fat, and vitamins/minerals helps to balance your brain chemicals. Exercise also has a direct impact on your brain chemistry. When you exercise, you are causing your body to produce very healthy endorphins, you are pressing out toxins created by stress and anxiety, and helping your brain to metabolize (process) oxygen, protein, etc. in more effective ways. The result? You think better, you begin to feel better. If you are on any medications (including antidepressants) you will find that your body is also better able to use these. NOTE: A study at Duke University showed that 60% of a group of subjects that exercised 3 times per week, for 30 minutes each session, for four months, were able to completely manage their depression without medication. This is a substantial finding encouraging what our bodies have known for thousands of years–that a healthy lifestyle creates a healthy experience of life.

3) Counseling – As difficult as diet/exercise can be to accomplish (due to depression’s impact on motivation), some may find asking for help to be even more difficult as it may feel like a weakness. . . but do it anyway, despite it being easier said than done. . . living in depression is also difficult, or else you probably would not be reading this page.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training from the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

• Feeling depressed because of a recent loss (of life, a relationship, job, way of living, etc.)?
• Does your grief feel unmanageable or like it will never go away?
• Are you pulling away from people that are trying to help?
• Do you feel like you are living in a dream that you cannot wake up from?
• Are you concerned about your child or children’s grief? Do you have parenting questions about grief?

Grief isn’t just about healing from a loss through death. We also grieve relationships, jobs, homes, lifestyles, and even our own unhealthy habits. When a person or pet dies, this is often called “simple grief,” though it doesn’t feel simple. Grieving a relationship is “complex grief.” Find out why.

Five stages of grief

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969), there are five stages of grief. We all have different experiences, and these five stages should just be seen as a starting point for how to understand this healing process:

• Denial/Isolation
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

First, it should be understood that the ‘final’ stage, acceptance, does NOT mean that you forget the loss, or that you are happy about it . . . it simply means that you have made peace with the loss and have moved into a place where you can continue living your life.  I would also like to emphasize that these stages by no means include all possible experiences of grief. . .they are just a starting point; some people also experience guilt, shame, fear, etc. And these stages do not go in any particular order other than starting off with Denial and wrapping up with Acceptance. Bouncing around your unique stages is normal, but can be unsettling. Please get in touch if you have any questions or concerns.

Letting grief heal you

By beginning to take good care of yourself, you will find that each of the stages begins to last for shorter periods and occur less and less often. Likewise, as this happens, you will find that the initial ‘flashes’ of acceptance happen more often and last longer and longer.

Regarding self-care, be creative . . . but follow some basic common sense: have a healthy diet, exercise, get counseling if you need, talk to friends/family, set boundaries and let people what you do and do not need, cry, etc. You may find journaling, drawing, playing music/writing music, and other creative outlets to be helpful.

Own your own healing process

MOST IMPORTANT: Do not let people (including me) dictate how to grieve–take peoples’ suggestions and do what feels right for you . . . everybody has different timelines and different tools to use. As long as they are legal and not harmful to yourself or others, then trust your ideas–if they do not work, then try something else or ask for help with new tools.

As you go through the healing process of grief, you will find that there are times when you find you are doing OK, only to be hit by depression, anger, etc. . . seemingly out of the blue. Usually, these experiences are linked to some sort of trigger (known catalysts of discomfort), or landmine (unknown triggers that you do not know about until you encounter them), that reminds us (either consciously or unconsciously) or our loss. Some common triggers of grief are places and things associated with our loved one who has passed, TV shows that deal with loss, and songs that remind us of our loved one. There are a few major landmines/triggers that you can plan for: Birthdays, anniversaries of a loved one’s death, holidays, etc. Some people find that honoring their loved ones during these times can help to ease the pain. Plant a tree or make a donation in their name, write them a letter and bury it, burn it, put in in a bible or other spiritual book, etc. Be creative.

Learn more about Counseling for Depression in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.