Category: Personal development

Change is often a wise investment that pays off in decreased suffering.

Let’s say that you have correctly recognized that in order to be more healthy and balanced, you need to make some sort of lifestyle, thought, and/or behavioral change. Let’s also say that you are willing to ask for and receive some help for this. Furthermore, let’s assume that you seek some sort of help from a professional mentor, counselor, coach, or teacher and that this costs money that you don’t feel like you can afford.

What it costs. Is it worth it?

You are now confronted with decisions related to your priorities. Do you keep eating out, spending upwards of $500/month, even though you could spend $200 on groceries and just make your own meals?  Freeing up enough money for two $150 sessions per month is probably worthwhile. If are able to do this, then you are probably ready to take ownership back for your life! One way to notice that you are moving towards readiness for change is that you begin to feel more discomfort when you try to rationalize or justify unhealthy habits; once you notice the discomfort for what it is, you see that it (the discomfort) is just trying to motivate you to change something so that the discomfort goes away.

Now, what if you really are not justifying anything, and you literally cannot afford the help. There are places that provide sliding scale help; places that provide free help; places that will help you to see where you can make financial changes to free up money for self-care. Now you are once again confronted with truly owning your life; you see, it is extremely uncommon that help is literally not available in some form or another.

Real obstacles to change

Folks that struggle with depression, or other energy depleting conditions, may actually not feel the motivation to change; they may have the experience of giving up hope, sometimes to the point of feeling suicidal, sometimes to the point of self-sabotaging in order to feel some sort of illusory control. When somebody has repeatedly seemed to make genuine efforts at behavioral/cognitive change, yet reverts back, other methods of intervention may come into possibility; perhaps a new counselor, perhaps trying meditation, exercise, changes in diet, etc. When nothing seems to be working, or if you are at your wit’s end, consider talking to your doctor about medication. Again, if these cost money and/or effort, there may be a defensiveness to trying them. Eckhart Tolle would say that the egoic pain-body is getting in the way. I tend to agree. You may have more colorful names for this internal gremlin!

How the ego is the victim

Sometimes though, people will actually engage the new options, but without being truly committed to the change(s), often as a way to show their plight . . . “I’ve tried counseling, it didn’t work, I tried meds, they didn’t work, I tried meditation, exercise, healthy diet, changing friends, etc. and none of it worked. “Now look at all of the time, energy and money I wasted, only to find myself back at square one. Nothing ever goes my way.” Try to remember that as difficult as it is to watch this way of thinking, the person going through it never gets away from it until they truly own their life (though they may get the illusion of getting away from it by self-medicating with drugs/alcohol, or other addictive behaviors).

It’s all relative

If you really deeply want to change, then you also have to KNOW that you NEED to change in a very direct and genuine way. And accept responsibility for when you behave in ways that are not in line with the changes you allegedly know that you need to make. Thing is, you don’t HAVE to change. Nobody’s going to stop you from doing what you do in most cases – but there will always be some sort of consequence for your action—that’s the behavioral version of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: E=mc2. Do the things that are in line with what you want to achieve, and you improve the likelihood (the probability) that you will get what you are wanting. But that equation is not just for one fixed point in time . . . it stays accurate from moment to moment. . .for every moment there is. So, by the same token, when you do things that are not in line with what you are wanting or striving for, then you are less likely (i.e. you lower the probability) that you will get what you are looking for . . . said another way, you increase the probability of getting more of the stuff that you allegedly don’t want.

Self-sabotage and drama

So why do people continue to do the things that lower their chances of success? I guess it depends on who you ask, and who you’re talking about. But generally, it gives us something to continue to ‘work’ on, or gives us something to be distracted by, or something to complain about, or add to add to the story of our life . . . in other words, it creates more drama. . . and we seem to like drama. But when you look at excitement about something, there’s really nothing wrong with that, it’s just generally healthier and truly entertaining in the real sense of the word to create excitement in a more positive manner. . . I’m going to call it ‘adventure’ when you are being healthy about it—drama when you’re not; that is, one of them is for when you’re asleep at the wheel (in terms of your consciousness), and the other for when you are ‘awake.’

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

It’s when you wait until later to get something done that you know would be more useful to finish up in the now. We are more likely to do this when we are not clear about what it is we are really trying to accomplish—that is, when we aren’t sure which need is trying to get met by accomplishing the goal.

Mindful clarity helps follow through

Be genuinely clear about what you are really needing to accomplish, and you will be more likely to engage in behaviors that help move you towards “need fulfillment” (vs just getting the ‘task’ done).

For example, if you know that you need to wash your car, is it about cleaning the car so that the paint doesn’t crack, or is it about maintaining a sense of order and cleanliness in your life, or a little of both? If you think you are just trying to save the paint, when in reality keeping you car clean is part of a healthier “clean” lifestyle, then you may put it off because of the missed intention of living a clean life.

How the ego can sabotage us

We also put things off that threaten our ego’s way of doing things. If we are unconsciously more comfortable with chaos, we are more likely to leave things undone, and thereby create more chaos, which pleases the ego (i.e. it matches the unconscious expectation). This is why bringing consciousness to the unconscious (a mindfulness practice) helps us to re-wire our brain.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.

Self-love is not selfish!

• Struggling with feelings of worthlessness? Like you just don’t matter to anybody, including yourself?
• Noticing that you have been more negative about how you experience others?
• Feeling less empowered? Almost as if there isn’t enough of ‘you’ to go around?
• Are you feeling depressed and/or anxious?

Along with optimism, self-esteem can be practiced and improved. Moving towards what we do want, instead of only away from what we don’t, we can see how the brain wants us to go forward, moving towards our goals.

Self-esteem is a trait that describes how people feel about themselves.  With healthy self-esteem, people tend to be more resilient (able to bounce back from challenges), and happier. On the other hand, when people don’t like themselves, and/or believe that others do not like them, they tend to have difficulty overcoming difficulty; even their immune system may suffer. Low self-esteem can be both a symptom of other conditions like Depression and Anxiety or the cause of those conditions.

Fortunately, we can practice self-esteem and learn to feel better. It is normal to feel overwhelmed with this idea in the beginning. This is why we focus on the here-and-now and work with what is attainable in the short-term. As time goes on, and as you continue to work on it, self-esteem can improve to the point that you feel like a new person.

Learning self-esteem

Beginning with simply being genuine about your feelings of self-worth, begin to realize that these feelings are real and should be dealt with; however, they are not permanent and not necessarily accurate, given your other strengths (example, you took the step to read this page–this is already an action towards improving your situation, thus you do in fact have more power than you may realize at the moment). Genuineness often means that you meditate on the genuine strengths you also possess rather than only being genuinely aware of the areas for growth. A balance between the two is crucial–awareness of what you do in fact need to work on, and awareness of the strengths and skills you possess to work on them with.

Using your genuine assessment of strengths and areas for growth, you can move on to increase your awareness of opportunities to practice and build your foundation of self-esteem. In any given moment, strive to be aware of what you bring to the moment. . . if you find that it does not feel helpful, then gently notice the feeling, then actively do something that you believe may help–even if only a little bit, for just a little while. Remember, once you notice a pattern, you can do something to change it. This is one of the most important steps in building self-esteem, as, without self-awareness, we cannot possibly begin to take thoughtful action to change. Once you begin to make the changes you choose, maintain awareness of the results–again, no matter how small. If the action helps, then do it again and build on it. If it does not, or if things become worse, then rather than beating yourself up for that, strive to see this as useful information in that you know what not to do next time.

As always, trust your ability to act. This is much easier said than done when dealing with issues of self-esteem, depression, or anxiety. Developing your awareness through silent meditation will help (see exercises on meditation). Remember that you are already closer than when you began your journey. It is not only the results of action that carries weight–it is the intention behind the action that makes any result useful. When you are aware that you trust yourself to act in a way that is helpful, the act itself becomes secondary (obviously, this does not mean to choose unhealthy actions to further your development!). The intention of your action is what will operate at deeper levels of awareness that you may, or may not yet be completely aware of.

Have a little compassion for yourself! You certainly deserve the same courtesy that you no doubt offer to others! I often find that those who struggle with self-esteem are often some of the most understanding, compassionate people around as they are hyper-aware of what it is like to feel bad. When you begin to allow yourself to care for yourself, a new door opens that may have been previously unnoticed. The struggle for self-compassion is that most people with self-esteem issues believe that it is selfish to focus on healing the self. In fact, the best thing you can do for others is to care for yourself. Self-compassion is a concept that allows you to become more fully present at any given moment with another as you are not as distracted
by the constant barrage of internal dialogue and questioning of your abilities. Again, when you give to yourself, there is more of you to go around to others.

Which brings us to having compassion for others. When you begin to realize that many people struggle with some form of self-questioning, you can model for them through your actions how to remedy their own situations. Remember for a moment the last time you helped another person . . . how did it feel?

You will be more likely to be in a place to offer this help if you honestly address your own issues in a way that enhances your own life first. Self-Love is not selfish.

Learn more about Mindfulness-based Counseling in Austin.

Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s has worked in the helping profession since he started college in 1990. After completing his Bachelor’s degree at the University of Texas, Austin in 1994, he attended the highly-regarded University of Minnesota to earn his Master’s degree in 1997. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is recognized as a Board Approved Supervisor by the State of Texas Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Jonathan has completed Level-2 of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and in 1998 received training by the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation in Advanced Critical Incident Stress Management & Debriefing. To learn more about Jonathan’s practice, click here: Jonathan F. Anderson, LPC-s.